What do you think of this small excerpt? (story beginning, new and improved)?

Question

Hopefully, improved anyway hahaha
So I just want to set the mood with this quick, first scene.
What do you think of it?
Would you read more?
Any suggestions?

Petra swallowed the last of her drink and placed the glass down with a sigh. The bar was crowded and full of men in business suits who were undoubtedly celebrating the end of their ‘grueling conference’ which one obnoxious, pinstriped man continuously gloated about. They disturbed the usual polite chatter of the bar and despite having finished her martini, Petra was not feeling relaxed. She was used to the modern cocktail lounge being fresh and spacious, but the stainless steel bench was messy, crowded with drinks and the air was hazed with smoke. She relied on the familiar surroundings to be of comfort, her relaxation destination, but tonight she felt irritated.
Plucking the baited toothpick from her glass, and placing the two stuffed olives into her mouth, Petra stood. She adjusted her sheer-gold, loose fitting singlet just as Claude wandered over.
“Another, Miss Lock?” He asked in his French accent. “One martini with two olives?” He winked.
“Not tonight thanks Claude,” Petra sighed, jerking her head towards the mass of rowdy men. “And anyway, it’s a school night. Only one martini on a school night, don’t you remember?”
Claude laughed and nodded. “Of course Miss Lock, I shall see you!”
Petra turned to wave a goodbye before heading towards the exit. She was about to leave when a slurred voice caught her attention.
“Hey, sparkly, leaving so soon?”
Petra turned to the source of the noise, another business man in a crumpled suit, and shook her head. His eyes were blood-shot and by the way he was staggering, it was obvious he had had too much alcohol already. Petra didn’t even bother making up an excuse before turning and walking out the door, into the crisp, evening breeze.


Petra goes on to walking along the street and having the drunken man from the bar follow her which arouses some action ;)

thanks in advance

Answer 1

Hey



Overall, you do have a real knack for writing, it's quite detailed, but also quite enjoyable to follow.



* “Another, Miss Lock?” He asked in his French accent.



Just because the dialogue ends with a question mark, it doesn't mean the pronoun following should begin with a capital letter (the same applies for exclamation marks). So it should be:



“Another, Miss Lock?” he asked in his French accent.



* In the first paragraph, we learn a lot about the setting, the mood and Petra (so, well done for that) - however try slimming it down. In some places the detail is good in order to give the information I just listed, however sometimes it's quite distracting and the reader might just skip it.



* Don't be afraid of the tag 'said' - in fact, embrace it. In writing, said is the tag best used and should be used whenever possible - there are exceptions ('asked' being the most often) - you can slip in an occasional sighed - but try to use said most.



Why? 'Said' is an invisible tag - meaning it simply tells the reader who is saying something - using 'grumbled' is often distracting and the writer sticking his nose in the scene - whereas the *dialogue* itself should tell us how something is said - not the tag.



* Personally, I try my best to avoid adverbs now - it's equally as distracting as grumbled, and in most cases, uneccesary.



But I must say, I enjoyed reading your excerpt, and you clearly are a good writer - the words and how you use them is what makes it a great writing style



Good luck, keep writing



~ JLT

Answer 2

This caught my attention. I'd love to read more! You did exactly what sucks a reader in; you gave them an idea of what was happening, and you leave them wanting more.

And may I add, MGMT is freakin' amazing.

Answer 3

you definitely caught my attention - what happens next? Good job. I didn't see anything wrong with grammar, and you had a good amount of dialoge and narration. :)

Answer 4

That was very good! I fear for Petra...I hope the stupid drunken man doesn't rape her....?