Do you like my novel extract?

Question

I turn to Wolf, and smile, trying to seem reassuring, but obviously I'm not, for he returns my attempt at cheeriness with a cold grimace.

"You do know, don't you Melissa, that we'll never win this battle. We can never beat the Authorities."

It was only down to luck that we had managed to escape from the Authorities in the first place. You see, when you break the law, our demented society doesn't just throw you in jail, or even whip you. No. They brainwash you, and cart you off to a synthetic Earth to live out the rest of your days complacent, and peaceful. And the thing that made me bitter? The horrific crime of ours that warranted this torture? We stole one apple. We were starving, living on breadcrumbs on the streets of the Capital. Starving slowly, in a city where the paths are practically paved with gold isn't just. We stole a sole apple, and for that we must surrender ourselves onto the mercy of our "superiors". Surrender meaning, be carried kicking and screaming through the streets, stared at and mocked by the rich. The ones who could afford two square meals a day - and would have been soon getting a shuttle to safety. Fleeing the dying planet.

And this prison where we were living? That wouldn't last more than ten years. I had seen the guards, looking more and more nervous by the day. I had seen them fly of in rockets, probably laughing at our misfortune. Laughing because it wan't them trapped here.

Nevertheless, we had to continue. After all, the brainwashed masses, they might not have realised the truth just yet. And one or two of the guards had been forced to stay behind. Until the final shuttle would come. Saving them, and condemning us.

But I would survive somehow. I would find my way on that shuttle somehow. But until the day that the rocket arrives, we have to pretend that everything is fine.

I look away from Wolf, staring into the sunset that I know is only a projection, an illusion. "You don't know that we won't win, maybe they are only still in charge because no-one can dispute them. Because everyone's brainwashed, except for us."
Wolf glares at me. "I'm not giving my life for a maybe. Not dying, for a half thought out plan."
I sigh, knowing that he is right. After all of this, we are no closer to safety.
"You got any food?" I ask roughly, and Wolf hands me a brown paper bag, his eyes speaking a million words. The bag contains the last food we have. Don't you dare eat it all Melissa, or I will exact my revenge. And you might not survive.

I open the bag carefully, and empty it's contents onto my lap. A stale piece of bread. A scrap of meat barely bigger than my fingernail. Two rotten apples. A tomato, that looked as if it had been trodden into the ground. I resisted the urge to gag, and took one of the rotten apples, peeling off the skin with my grubby fingers. And as I began to eat it, savouring every bite - despite its foul taste- I knew that we were truly doomed.

I passed the bag back to the Wolf, and he smiles passively before the same flat expression returns to his face as if it had never left. I realise then that I had never thanked him for saving me from the mercy of the Authorities.
"Thankyou Wolf," I mutter.
"What?" He is truly confused, as if kind words are alien to him.
"Thankyou. Thankyou for saving me. Thankyou for knocking that guard out, for disabling the robot - for stopping me getting brainwashed."
He nods, not saying anything for a long while. And then, so quiet that I almost don't hear it he utters something before running off into the night. "Not that it matters now."

And he was right. Saving me from brainwashing had in a way been more cruel then leaving me ignorant - and after all, my fate would be the same either way.

Answer 1

Of course I do, you know I do, I always will. Let professional editors take care of the grammar. Keep writing it. Good work!

Answer 2

That does have possibilities!



Careful of your spelling.



Don't depend too much on flashback if possible, or if you must speak of what preceded the present action, try to isolate it into one paragraph and not pepper the present with bits of the past, lest it become distracting. Sometimes the past can be so intriguing that the reader begins to wish you'd started there instead.



Think of the reason the Authorities would have wanted to transport a bunch of bums to another planet, at great expense, and then leave them there. The idea of a prison planet I do find attractive, but you'd need a motivation that would be important to those in charge, and worth their time and money.



Also, there should still be food stores there beyond a sack with a stepped-on lunch in it. Those food stores can then become a source of conflict if the last of the guards leave.



Think of an alternate way of survival, other than hijacking the last shuttle to the original planet (Earth?) where the protagonist would again be a peon and unable to avoid arrest.



Still, great start for a science fiction story. Don't stop!

Answer 3

First of all... good so far. at least storyline-wise. I assume you realize it needs editing for grammar ,etc.? Keep writing.



Second of all.. WHY would you post this online?? Someone could so easily steal your plot or ideas!! Maybe you should seek a trusted friend on family member to give you their opinion instead of opening yourself up to having your creativity stolen?

Answer 4

Try writing in active instead of passive.