What do you think of my writing?

Question

The blue energy barrier in front of your cell flickers out of existence. Only someone with the authorization code could have deactivated it... Hope surges within you. Has the guard come back to let you out?


Then she appears beyond the bars, her beautiful face marred by anxiety.


"Princess!" you gasp.


Her eyes light up as they meet yours.


"Quickly, take it!" she says, pressing a laser rifle against the bars. "I couldn't find the key. Shoot the bars."


A million questions spring to your lips. But you take the weapon, turning it so you can pull it into the cell. Illaria flits aside, clearing your line of fire.
ou step out of the cell, knocking the damaged bars aside.


"What happened? Who-"


"It's the Centurians," she replies. She's already moving down the corridor, her laser pistol raised. She gestures for you to follow, and you move to match her pace.


"How did they get on the ship?" you ask.


"I don't know. They... they just appeared. The sensors didn't detect them."


"But-"


You fall silent as the two of you near the doors which lead out of the prison, into the atrium beyond. The sounds of combat are close now. Questions dance across your mind, attempting to penetrate the confusion. But now isn't the time.

Centurian soldiers are outside, their backs to the prison as they fire at targets out of your line of vision. You signal for the Princess to stay back, but she's already pressing herself against one of the prison doors, her weapon at the ready as she prepares to attack. You nod, and follow her lead.
n the atrium a group of Sian Guardsmen are exchanging fire with more Centurian soldiers. They're outnumbered, and several of them already lie dead. But the survivors are holding their ground, fighting on.


"We have to help them," says the Princess, already moving and firing.


A cry goes up from the guards as they see the Princess in their midst. They throw themselves into the combat with renewed vigor, desperate to protect her. You do the same, firing at the advancing Centurians.

A ragged cheer goes up as the last Centurian falls. For a moment there's calm, though the noise of distant weapons fire shows that you're simply in the eye of the storm. All around your fragile bubble of safety, chaos still rages.


You turn to Sergeant Tarik, the highest ranking guardsman there.


"What's our status?" you ask.


He shakes his head, his expression grim.


"The ship's lost, captain. They've got the bridge."


"We have to take it back," says Princess Illaria.


"There's too many of them, Highness," replies the sergeant. "We need to get you to the nearest hangar. There's still time to get you out."


"I won't surrender the Child of Heaven," she says.


Sergeant Tarik turns to you, a look of appeal in his eyes. It's mirrored on the faces of the other guards. None of them can bring himself to contradict the Princess of the Sian Empire, but you read the thought on all their minds.


"We'll all die for you, Highness," you say, gesturing at the bodies of the fallen. "But don't let us die in vain. If you escape the Centurians, these men and women will have fallen doing their duty."


She opens her mouth as if to make a retort, then closes it. You know her well enough to read the subtle emotions which play across her face, bespeaking the flow of her thoughts. Her sense of discipline, of duty to her empire, overrides her passion. She nods.


"Form up around Her Highness and the captain," says the sergeant. Then he adds, before you can protest, "If we get to the hangar, you'll need to fly her out."


He's right. You're the only pilot there. In that moment you realize just how bitter it must be for Princess Illaria, knowing that others are dying so you may live.


Together you round the corner and charge along the atrium, towards the hangar at the far end. Centurian soldiers stand at the entrance, and their crimson lasers rip into your formation as you run. Sergeant Tarik collapses beside you, dead before he can even cry out. You fire towards the soldiers, hoping you can pick them off before they can cut you all down.

The commander staggers back against the railing, gasping for breath, and falls to one knee. The arrogant smile is gone, his face now twisted in hatred.

"I don't have time for this," he rasps. "If Rahn wants the *****, he can gather up the pieces!"

With a quick movement he snatches a grenade from a fallen Centurian soldier's belt. As he stands back up, the lights on its surface flash, a blinking red to herald the destruction that will come. But before he can throw it, you're on him. One of your hands clas

Answer 1

I like the use of 2nd person, present tense. I think you handle that very, very well. But the idea of a Sci Fi/Historic plot does not appeal to me, and though I admire your creativity I think you should choose just one or the other.



"The blue energy barrier in front of your cell flickers out of existence. Only someone with the authorization code could have deactivated it... Hope surges within you. Has the guard come back to let you out?"

That is one of the best opening lines to a story I've ever read. It's so simple, yet immediately snags your attention. I love it. Usually I don't read through these #and I'll admit, I sort of skimmed through this about halfway through because it confused me and again the Sci Fi/Historical fiction thing...# but that hook is just perfect.



Your writing is good, though there's always room for improvement. This is one of the best pieces I've seen posted on here, however, so I'll give you props for that. If it weren't for the plot/genre you're going for here, I'd definitely read it.



I'm sorry if this was a little harsh, because all in all I do like your writing :)

Answer 2

You show unusual form in transporting first-person to the reader. Your action is good, but some of your punctuation habits needs to be corrected. Whenever a tag ends with a question mark or an exclamation point and then a connecting narrative explains, a comma must be inserted between the punctuation mark and the ending quotation mark of the dialogue. Consider using the tag, 'she exclaimed' when following an exclamation point.



Focus on avoiding what are called "intruder" words--words such as 'I saw, he saw, he heard, I remembered' and other such verbs that overstep their bounds in good writing. Instead, describe the action of what is being seen, heard, or remembered.



Otherwise, well done!

Answer 3

What a nice piece of writing. I couldn't have done better than you did!

Answer 4

Yes! I think your writing is very very descriptive. Well done.