Constructive criticism? I like writing- Im just not sure im very good at it. Im 14, any comments will help.?

Question

Preface

I never thought that it would come to this.

That after everything we had been fighting for, we would have to forget. We would have to lose. I wanted to shout out, to voice my opinion. Wrong or right, it would buy us time, or make the choice for us, but for once, I just couldn't do it.

Would you save yourself? If you knew one way or another someone had to die? Could you live with yourself afterwards? Nobility seemed like the only route to take, but no one could quite make that sacrifice. Not yet.

Chapter one



I opened my eyes and shuddered. Another nightmare, I thought with the amount of sleeping pills I was taking that it would stop. Obviously not.
Strangely it had been different this time. I wasn’t lost anymore. I wasn’t running, but it wasn’t me. I wasn’t finding the objective. I was the objective, and to be quite honest, that was what made it scary.
I never told anyone about the nightmares, putting the dark circles under my eyes down to being stressed. It made it easier. I hated questions, and if anyone saw me in the night, having a nightmare, it would inevitably cause a lot of them.
It wasn’t that I didn’t trust my family. I couldn’t trust myself, and I didn’t want to get them hurt as well as me. Because inside I was tortured. Raw and bleeding all the time.
I quickly threw on some skinnys and an old shirt before heading downstairs, first day back and I was running late – again. It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy school, it was more; I preferred sleep to it. The teachers did get annoyed the first few times, but I guess they just got used to it.
“Late again Yasmine! At this rate you might as well only come in the afternoons!”
I glared at my maths teacher; yes I was late, no need to point it out,
“It is customary to apologise when you arrive late to class young madam!”
I gave her my filthiest look-
“SOZ!”
“Excuse me?”
“I said sorry”
I heard a few of the boys holding back laughter, that was good, but I shouldn’t have smiled-
“Go and sit at the back of the room-now”
She practically spat it at me, if you could do that through gritted teeth; I took my usual space beside Stan-
“Oh, you won’t be sitting there Yas”
I hated the emphasis she put on my name, I hated how every word she said to me was dripping in sarcasm, I hated her and all she stood for. The way she looked through me not at me, how every time she spoke she shook her head the tiniest bit. What was wrong with her? Did she have a nervous twitch or something? I didn’t even care, my eyes were too full of red.
I put on my sickliest smile.
“Where will I be sitting Mrs Kentley?”
She didn’t even speak; just a flick of her hand put my education on the line for the rest of term.
Jed Bullton? I didn’t think so!

Answer 1

Hey,



First of all I love the preface, nice rhetorical questions in there, really makes the reader think.



As I read on I was enjoying it, I love the humor and the slight change of tone from the nightmares to a usual day at school. It's realistic and people can relate to it :)



My only issue with this is punctuation... punctuation is used to control how the reader reads it, and there were a couple of errors here.



' Another nightmare, I thought with the amount of sleeping pills I was taking that it would stop'

I think you should either make it two sentences, or put a semi colon in, or a hyphen.

' Another nightmare - I thought with the amount of sleeping pills I was taking that it would stop'



'Strangely,(comma) it had been different this time.'

'I wasn’t finding the objective, (connect the sentences with a comma) I was the objective'

'It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy school, it was more...(three dots. Semi-colon didn't fit there.) I preferred sleep to it.'

'The way she looked through me,(comma) not at me'



I think apart from that you've done a great job. In other things... start your sentences with different phrases instead of 'I's. Remember to balance speech with description evenly.



I'm not being nasty, I'm hopefully being helpful - I hope that I have helped you, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I think you have a great talent, and you should keep writing. But it may help if once in a while you go through your work and read it out - that'll help you work out where to put certain punctuation.

Hope I helped!

J

xx

Answer 2

You can just delete the prologue. It doesn't say anything the reader needs to know. You don't need three paragraphs of "look how deep I am."



The actual first chapter? I thought it started off well - creepy dreams which have her scared enough to be taking sleeping pills. Then, I'm afraid, it went downhill, as she turned into a Mary Sue self-insert. Is that how you wish you dared to interact with your own maths teacher? How do you think she'd react if you did?



That's how Yasmine's maths teacher will react, too. I imagine Yasmine would be standing outside the head teacher's office, shaking in her shoes at the thought of explaining just how rude she'd been.



You need to think about how _all_ your characters would react in the situations you put them in. Not just your heroine.

Answer 3

I think it's really good. The preface is brilliant and enticing. I'm thirteen and I love to write also.



What I would say is be careful with where you're missing out vital punctuation in the dialogue - thankfully you haven't done it so much as to mar the story itself.



Happy Writing. I hope you have a successful future ahead of you.

Answer 4

My brother is fourteen and extra mature than I am part the time. I dont consider he even was once able. The first time i had intercourse, me and my boyfriend had been in a dating for 3 years earlier than we did it. I actually consider you will have to wait till you are certain your able. Sex alterations the whole thing. Also, at fourteen it's viable to get pregnante so till you are on birthcontrol and understand approximately STI's and such.. Dont do it. You'll frequently grow to be regretting it.. I desire you the excellent of success...

Answer 5

That's amazing! I seriously want to buy the book right now! I think that it's perfect. It was already suspensful, just in the preface! I can already tell this book will be great. Interesting topic, and brilliant first chapter, Great Job! Best of Luck!(:

Answer 6

I'm 14 too and I love to write!

I don't think you're a bad writer, I think what you've got so far is really good! I especially like the undertoned humour! Just keep at it!



And the prologue is amazing!