Critique my short story?

Question

Many years later, he told of his first experience with ice.

“What, do you want to sit around and talk about feelings?” he asked sarcastically as he poked the campfire. Glowing sparks shot skywards, and he flinched to avoid getting burned. He kicked off his boots and his new socks --which he had already worn a hole in-- and stuck out his feet to warm them over the flame. The sight was so comical, Sarah would have laughed if he hadn’t been in such a bad mood.

“No, I just thought we could... Get to know each other better. Give me something to work with here,” said Sarah. She looked at him with those doe eyes he loved so much, knowing it would get him to crack.
“Fine. You want me to talk? I’ll talk, Mark said.

“My dad was an English professor. We moved from Florida, where I grew up, to Boston the winter I turned fourteen. Shakespeare was his idol. He’d read me Shakespeare’s complete works by the time I was twelve.
“This one time, he decided to take me camping. He wasn’t a real outdoorsy guy, but he wanted to be the kind of dad who took his kid on male bonding trips. We packed up our stuff and the dog and set off at four in the morning. It was a long drive, and my dad thought it would be a good idea to get an early start. It was March, and the roads were still icy. We skidded a couple of times on the road, but no one was hurt and we made it to the campground.
Mark paused to take a bite of stew with the spork Sarah had packed in his mess kit.
“After we set up our campground, we went to take a hike in the forest. We walked into a clearing that had a little pond. It was still frozen over, so my dad thought it would be fun to slide around on it for a minute. I’d never seen a frozen pond before, or really any ice now that I think about it. I didn’t want to go, because the dark water underneath scared me. My dad walked out first to show me that there wasn’t anything to be afraid of.
“I heard this terrible shattering noise, and my dad screamed. It looked like the pond was swallowing him. I was screaming for help, but there wasn’t anyone around. He was flailing around in the water, but his clothes were so heavy and the water was so cold that he couldn’t pull himself out. I should have been able to save him. I was fourteen, nearly a man. I was weak and I’ll never forgive myself.
“It was too late by the time they pulled him out. He was blue and his heart had stopped from the shock. The funeral was the next week.”
Mark choked back a sob as Sarah pulled him close and kissed him on the forehead. Her gentle touch comforted him, and he didn’t think he’d ever felt so safe before. He doused the fire and climbed into the tent, Sarah following after him. They did not sleep together that night. Instead, Sarah took Mark’s head in her arms and stroked his hair until he fell asleep. Sarah lay awake, marveling at the things left untold when one gets married after a month.

Answer 1

Your creativity is remarkable. The heart in your story shows through particularly in the last three paragraphs, describing the loss Mark has had to deal with. I understood who Mark was referring to when you wrote, It was too late by the time they pulled him out." but as a writer there is a fundamental need to be crystal clear. It was because at one moment Mark stated that there wasn't anyone around, and then he mentioned after his father had fallen through the ice, submerged by the water that "they" pulled him out. Try rewriting that sentence to state who they are. Perhaps you don't have to let Mark even say the word "they". Another part which begs for some clarity is the last sentence of the last paragraph. "Sarah lay awake, marveling at the things left untold when one gets married after a month." Because of how the sentence is written it can be perceived that Mark and Sarah have been married for just a month, (which I believe is the case here) and the other perception is that after a month the two got married. A minor revision will remedy this.



I only see the need for minor changes to fine tune your writing. In the second sentence of the third paragraph Mark says, "We moved from Florida, where I grew up, to Boston the winter I turned fourteen." You may need to either break this sentence into two separate ones or try another way of stating it. (eg.: I grew up in Florida, then we moved to Boston the winter I turned fourteen." There are some punctuation errors such as missed quotation marks and the improper use of an ellipse (...). The most common and formal use of ellipses is to indicate an omission. The opening sentence,“What, do you want to sit around and talk about feelings?” should be changed to "What. Do you want to sit around and talk about feelings?" to convey the the impact of sarcasm moving throughout the statement. Try using the word "stoked" to replace "poked" so as to describe what Mark is doing to the campfire.



In summary, you have a knack for eliciting emotion in your work. With a few minor changes to refine and bolster your sentence structure, your writing will be beyond satisfactory.

Answer 2

No offence, however it kind of feels like the opposite solutions do not rather recognize what they are speakme approximately. Especailly the one that stated it used to be slightly a paragraph. You had been doing the fast tale 50 phrases on reason. It's exciting if you are taking the time to learn it. At first I skimmed, and did not rather get it. Like a knock-knock funny story. So the characters John and Jennifer walked right into a room, observed a fellow university pupil at the flooring, bloodied with a knife beside it, and...shock? Suprise as in a haloween trick? If I would recommendation you to difference something, it might be the primary sentence. Something quick, however nonetheless grabbing. The simpistic language grew to become on my 'skim reflex'. EDIT: Amber, you are now not an writer. You're just a author, and certainly an amature at that. You've most effective self released a ebook, and anybody can do this. No subject how crappy it's. My 8 12 months ancient neighbor self-released a tale ebook, however that does not imply she has the correct to parade round like she owns the publishing buisness. I suppose you have got to get off your prime horse

Answer 3

“What? Do you want to sit around and talk about feelings?”



I’ll talk,'' Mark said.



campground.''



These were the only little glitches I found. Well done. A good bit of writing.

Answer 4

I didnt read it all but from what i did read it actually sounds pretty good. Reminds of an author i like a lot name R.A. Salvatore. Its not my genre, but from an unbiased perspective its pretty good.