How is the start of my story?

Question

The camera looms down from a side angle to the front view of my secondary school, you catch a quick glimpse of the head cheerleader, and the jocks by the courtyard giggling and gossiping. Then the camera zooms up on my melancholy face, just sitting by the old tree stump getting an early start on some calculus homework. Yep, my life is pretty much a Hollywood movie on and off stage. My pen stractched against my paper roughly as I saw my twin brother just score another date with the head cheerleader, Shaylyn White. A Total b*tch if you ask me. During sixth grade (approximately five years ago) she cyber bullied my best friend Andrea Lovett over Facebook. Andrea and I have been friends since the fifth grade. We were the only two left when our class picked science partners.

Ah, Facebook. I haven't gotten one until six months back. I figured, if all the drama started on some site, then what's the point? I mean, all you do is post statues.. What am I going to post? "Doing my homework," "Going to the bathroom," "Fighting with my brother,." The sad thing being, I've actually seen some statuses identical to that on my newsfeed. However, lucky for me I've avoided Facebook fights and drama.

I just finshed my last problem on my worksheet when I heard the loud ringing bell dissmissing us from school. I flipped a piece of my blond shaggy hair away from my eye and began to look for Zeke. Zeke may be the older twin, but he still acts like a toddler.

"Duke!" I heard the familar voice call my name. I turned around, and no it wasn't Zeke. It was Andrea. She pushed her 3D pop out-like glasses up her crooked Italian nose. Andrea always hated her nose, but I loved it. It had personality, unlike every other girl's perfect little circular snout. . Andrea was about six inches shorter than I was, she had straight auborn layered hair, and short bangs.

"Hey," I shot a friendly smile at her while closing my notebook and cramming it into my already-full backpack.

"Duke! You'll never guess what I have!" Andrea squealed quietly. "The cinema up on Vernon Road is having a Harry Potter marathon at midnight! They're showing all of the movies starting from The Philosopher's Stone, all the way to Deathly Hallows Part Two!"

Andrea and I loved Harry Potter, for the last movie we dressed up as Fred and George Weasley. I was Fred, and Andrea was George. From the look on Andrea's face, we may just be putting on our neon orange wigs and our "F" and "G" sweaters back on. Not that I minded, some random group of girls even took their picture with us. Actually, I was kind of flattered. Usually I have to beg for attention.

"So! What do you say?" Andrea formed a huge grin on her face.

"I don't know, I'll have to check my schedule," I said jokingly, then Andrea elbowed me.

Answer 1

Just from reading the first paragraph I can already see some problems. You switch from past to present tense several times when the tense needs to stay the same. There are a few spelling errors as well.



I suggest reading this piece aloud to yourself to help see what is grammatically incorrect. That always helps me out.

Answer 2

Well I thought that you should stick to a tense. Usually, present tense doesn't work too well.



Also, there are a few grammar errors, but I won't go too much into those, since the content's more important (not disvaluing grammar).



I also thought that you should take more time to introduce your characters. You didn't even finish the first paragraph, and you already introduced three characters by their first and last names, so later on in the story, wether you call them by their first name or use Mr./Ms., you're expecting them to know this, which might make them go back for the names.



It also seems that (I don't know if you were trying to do this but...) you tried to fancy it up a little too much. Even though you used a lot of slang, there are still some parts which could be rewritten in a way which would sound much more...normal, I guess is the word...



Also, I haven't HAD one until six months back, since gotten makes it seem as if she hasn't deleted it. And until indicates a future tense, so SINCE six months back makes sense.



You even switch tenses in the same sentence. "I just finished...when I heard..."



A piece of hair doesn't sound as good as just my bangs or w/e.



Identical to that? Just say that the statuses were like that.



3D pop-out like...um...are they actual 3D glasses, with the red and blue lens or something? And how can they be like "pop out" if pop out is an adjective?



*auburn



Squealed...quietly? A squeal's already loud...so...



"Andrea and I loved Harry Potter" period.



Might have to put, maybe? "May be putting" makes it sound like theyre putting the sweaters and wigs on right then.



Someone doesn't really form a grin. A huge grin might form on her face, but that doesn't make sense.



then Andrea elbowed me doesn't sound too smooth...idk put and right there.

Answer 3

It's pretty good so far, although there are some grammar mistakes.

Just remember to have a goal (obvious) and to keep the story interesting. If you are an amateur writer, i'm impressed - it can be hard to write a story and yet have the reader be entertained. If you have any problems writing the story, DON'T give up. If you can write like this, you'll be fine. Just make sure you keep the plot interesting (make a mental note of that).

That's really all I have to say. I hope I can be able to read more of your story. :)

I also agree with the person who commented above. Be sure to pay attention to the details!!

Details in stories can go a looong way.

Answer 4

I LOVE IT!! You have a great story there!

Answer 5

GREAT, thats awesome :)