Is this other story good???? Orginal?

Question

I'm only tweleve:An orginal story
I'm Serena. I have a boyfriend named Nate. He was just recently relased out of jail. It dosen't really make any difference to our realonship. He thinks it does, though. He won't tell me why he was in jail, he won't tell anybody. We haven't been dating that long, only a few weeks. I'm in the sixth grade. I have one friend. His name is Mario. He's my ex, but we're still friends. We don't get to see each other that much, he goes to a priviate school. "hey." It was Nate. "Hi." He hugged me. Something about him kinda freaked me out, like he had something planned for me. But nate would never hurt me. "So do you want to go somewhere?" He asked. "Yeah." My mom really dosen't like him. She liked Mario way better. Well Mario also wasn't in jail. We were going out since the third grade. But it ended this year. Then his mom made him go to a priviate school. Nate rented a movie and we watched it. It was a little creepy. He rented The older virson of nighmare on elm street. he laughed at viloent scenes. Creepy laughs, likee got an idea from it. I walked home after it was over. I tried to call Mario but he didn't answer. I missed him. The next day at school Nate wasn't there. I asked his brother if he was sick. "No, he's taking care of some business. What do you mean? You don't want to know." What? I don't want to know. What's that suppose to mean? During lunch I tried to call him. He picked up. "Where are you? I'm at..." A moment of silence went by. "I'm at-." I heard a scream in the background. "What was that? Um... I'm watching a movie, bye!" He hung up. It didn't sound like a scream that came out of a movie, louder. I also tried to call Mario. "Hello? Hey, how are you doing? Okay I guess. I miss you." Did I just say that? "Um, me too." He said it like he didn't mean it. "Bye." I hung up. I can't believed I told him that I miss him. After school I walked to Nate's house. I knocked on the door and waited. I did that a few more times. Then I opened the door and walked in. I went into Nate's room. There were a bunch of guys and girls dirty and dressed very, very not really tweleve. Booties skirts and shorts,short tops,tank tops,high heels, and more. There was blood on the walls and floors, some on people. All of them looked scared. Some were crying. Two of them were doing it. Nate turned around he had a huge watt of cash. "What are you doing here?" he snapped. "I wanted to come to see you. Well now you work for me." He grabbed me and gave me a change of clothes. When I dressed into them I looked just like the others. I wanted to talk to them. "What's gonna happen? We all use to be his girlfriend but he was using us." Said one girl. "What's your name? Cherry. he was in jail for being a pimp and having protests. How did you guys come like this? We came to his house not knowing like you. Sometimes he totures us. I hat-. Why are you talking?" Nate yelled. "I was just saying-." Nate grabbed a belt and beat her reaptly. She started to bleed. "stop!" I yelled. "What?" He screamed. He grabbed a knife and cut me a few times. Someone walked through the door. Nate turned around. "Micha my man! Which one do you want? Her." He pointed to me. He handed Nate money. Nate pulled me up. "You can't do this. Oh really little girl?" He whipped me with the belt and shoved me on the bed. I was being forced. "Bye." Said Nate to Chris. I was terrifed. I sat down on the dirt floor with the other girls. But Nate raped me. Nate went to use the bathroom. I ran. I went home. "Where have you been?" Asked my mom. I couldn't tell her what just happened. "I was visting Nate." A few days later I was vomting and peeing like crazy. I had to take the test. I bought a two from rite aid. I'm pregnet. Nate was at school the next day. I tried to avoid him. But at lunch he sat down next to me. He flashed me a smile. "I hate you." I said trying to get up. He grabbed my arm aggresivley. "Meet me at my house after school." I was not going there. Anyway I wanted to see Mario. So after school I tried to sneak past Nate. I did. I walked to Mario's house. i knocked on his door. He answered. "Hey, I have to tell you something." He let me in. We sat on his couch. "What do you want to tell me? Mario I'm... pregnet." he just stared at me. he didn't have anything to say. I explained everything to him. "Did you break up with him? I'm getting ready to. Do you want me to come, just in case he tries something? Yeah." "Nate we're do-." Before I could finsh breaking up with him he held a gun to my head. Mario was outside.

Answer 1

You're twelve? Oh sweetie please stick to what you know, this just... well I don't want to be rude but it's not good. And rape, sex, and jail in a story (unrealistic showings but still) about a sixth grader and written by one as well is just horrible. If it's original it's because no one else would dare.

It's wonderful you want to be a writer and you should keep it up, but not like this. Study English and writing in school, learn proper grammar and dialog. From the basics you can hone skill in making it legible. From there you need to create realistic characters, plot lines and over all development.

At twelve years old please write what you know, and rape and all this isn't that. Originally shouldn't be key for you right now skill should be. Because until you master skill, no matter how original the idea you won't get anywhere.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh at some points but I really do wish you the best of luck in the future.

Answer 2

Too fast and poorly written. The characters, storyline, and plot are just mediocre. What the hell a 6th grade dating a guy from jail? What parent will let this happen? Plus, she gets rape and pregnant.Just lame. Sorry for being rude, but in writing you have to put up with criticism. Want to be a writer? Then listen to everyone who have been doing it for a long time. This is okay for a first time writer but there is no way that this piece of....could be publish.

Answer 3

Sorry, but I stopped reading after I found out a sixth grader has a boyfriend who was in jail...



You need to work on SHOWING the story, not telling (if you don't know what I mean, look it up.)

You should work on how to properly format dialogue.

And you should watch your spelling (there is no way realonship was a typo)



So sorry you had to hear that, but I encourage you to continue writing! Good luck.



PS. You may want to refrain using the names Serena and Nate in the same story, as they are associated with Gossip Girl.

Answer 4

Unoriginal. Cliched, fast paced, poorly written, overladen with cheap teenage romance, and worst of all, I don't care what happens to the characters.



Oh yeah, and don't even mention the grammar, spelling and, ugh! A hodgepodge of poorly written run on sentences all smashed together in a smelly train wreck of incoherent blathering.



I would also like to mention that you have a nasty, immoral and disturbing storyline that no one should write or read. I really can't respect that at any age, specifically yours.



I'm sure you wanted honesty.

Answer 5

Try to nick one from a library. That will make for a nice battered copy to give it some sentimental value too. Then make a big donation so you can sleep at night. (Or get them the new Amazon copy...) Btw, it should be red and blue print. As a worst case scenario you could print it out from the gutenberg project online, and maybe burn the paper edges a little. CHeers, I love that book too.

Answer 6

I didn't like it. It was too fast, and the spelling and grammar was bad. Plus, it's about a girl in sixth grade getting raped and pregnant. I can tell from your story that you have no knowledge of how girls get pregnant, better yet, the chances and how long it takes for them to figure it out. It was also choppy, and not descriptive. So sorry, hun, but you have a long way to go.



Help me out?-

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100610152350AAMcmqS