Version one or version two of the beginning of my first draft?

Question

Version 1: I was standing at the end of the largest Catholic Church in the Mittelsachsen district. I could only assume from what I have read actually, I had never actually been out long or far enough to be assured. My back dully ached from the years of terrible posture which mounted upon each other to produce the pain I still had yet to entirely ignore. The pews, sprinkled with generous amounts of brightly colored late afternoon sunlight streaming through the stained glass, held large amounts men, women and children all with such a stately posture and their hands folded in their laps. They must have been Gerolf’s friends and family; he was a rather charismatic man.

Uncle Niklas was the exception as he entrapped a dark clad knee with the opposite leg and folded arms across his broad chest as his thin, bloodless lips pursed quizzically. He did not like my betrothed very much at all, the man took on the role of a protective, sometimes even to the point of preposterousness, father. Though I much rather would have a liked a friend then a father in my company. I remember the one companion I had at the age of ten, a little brown mouse whose small black eyes which reflected the candle’s flames in an almost demonic sheen. I reminisced cynically how I was the one whose words filled the empty space of my musty room, it was more of a listener.

I felt slightly more poised in the gold tinged layered dress and the gossamer veil which cut abruptly before it caressed the dark rouge carpet. Still my thick, wiry auburn hair remained a curtain to conceal what I was determined to keep hidden even if everyone had already seen. My thinly lashed caramel colored eye which remained uncovered was fixed on the immense doors until they were to open.

It was not accustomed for the bride to wait for the groom but Gerolf always seemed to be late, always had something to do of the utmost importance. Niklas was the only one who appeared the least bit flustered, glancing back at the varnished rosewood, leaving very little time to hang in the air prior to repeating the process numerous times.

The priest, who captured the exact image of one that accompanies the word, stood entirely with a serene disposition and a bible clasped in long fingered hands, did not seem at all bemused at the groom’s absence as if it happened all the time. That his large, burly arms would open the doors and he was to walk down the aisle.

My heart beneath the elaborately adorned bodice did not beat any faster then normal, I did not love him in the least. But I knew that their would never be a man I loved who would love me in return so spinsterhood would be my fate should his proposal be refused. I could not understand how he could have any feelings for me, it was not merely by my looks and mannerisms alone that I drew my confusion, it was the fact I had only known him for two weeks. Life was a mystery I suppose.

The answer came to me as a decent sized rock hit my cheek and a small boy with dirt smudged cheeks stood slightly with his hands removed from his knees. Soon stones and boisterous, mocking laughter filled the room as everyone’s hands were unfolded. Had it been larger rocks to increase the pain I would not have to focus so much on the terrible degradation. Hot tears scalded my rough skinned cheeks as I ran from the church, Niklas in tumult behind me, shouting curses at the jeering crowd.

I hated my father; it was not at all an exaggeration to say it was his fault, not a childish assumption from a brat who attempts to escape all responsibility.

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Version 2: I was standing at the end of the largest Catholic Church in the Mittelsachsen district. My back dully ached from the years of terrible posture I had yet to correct or simply ignore the sensation The pews, sprinkled with generous amounts of the brightly colored late afternoon sunlight , held large amounts men, women and children all with nearly posture and their hands folded in their laps. I do believe they were Gerolf’s friends and family. He was a very charismatic man, an actor if I remembered correctly.

Uncle Niklas was the exception as he entrapped his knee with the opposite leg and folded his arms across his chest as his thin lips pursed quizzically. He did not like my betrothed very much at all; the man had the tendency to take on the role of a very protective father. Though I much rather would have liked a friend then a father in my company.

I felt slightly more poised in the layered dress and the delicate veil which cut abruptly before it touched the dark carpet. Still my wiry auburn hair remained a curtain to conceal part of my face though I was certain everyone had seen or heard. My eye which remained uncovered was fixed on the immense door.

It was not accustomed for the bride to wait for the groom but Gerolf always seemed to be late. He always had something to do of the utmost importance. Nikl

Answer 1

First one, although I would cut the part about her being cynical and use another word...maybe amusedly?

Answer 2

Now for the actual modern-day version of the tale. there became a grasshopper and an ant. The grasshopper's grandparents were demanding workers and had bought each and all of the land for miles around. The grasshopper partied demanding from the day he became born. ultimately, the grasshopper's grandparents died, leaving him possession of the farm. The grasshopper delegated administration of the farm to the folk who were working it under his grandparents and persevered the demanding artwork of springing up each social gathering. The ant became a hardworking soul, working twelve hours an afternoon on the land owned via the grasshopper's kinfolk, rather making ends meet. at some point the government became finding out who could pay for the firewood to maintain the farm heat in the process the wintry climate. The Elephant social gathering stated it may be unfair to make the grasshopper pay when you consider that he labored so demanding to earn his money. The donkey social gathering stated it is going to come from the grasshopper when you consider that he had greater advantageous than adequate to spare. ethical of the tale: in case you prefer to guard grasping self-indulgent heirs, vote for the elephants. in case you prefer to guard workers, vote for the donkeys.

Answer 3

Really good. The question was cut toff, but I really liked the first one. Good job! I want to read on.

Answer 4

2nd one



help me with mine plz?



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