Have I put in too much detail?

Question

Hi so I was wondering, I rewrote part of my 1st chapter, there was not enough detail in the first draft. So anyway I want this detail in this draft but a few have said its boring and I dont need the flight detail but I do because the flight is the major storyline, so what do you think?

I heard the high pitched ring of the phone coming from down the hallway. It came, just as I had placed my hand on the door knob, to leave the house. I turned around and hurried to answer it. It was the one phone call I should have never answered, the one I shouldn't have run back for, the call I should have just ignored and continued to walk out of my front door.

It was my brother Ryan. He said that mum hadn’t been feeling too well, he had asked if I would go and see her. He was dealing with separate family and work commitments and couldn’t go. Ryan is such a joker, I didn’t know whether to believe him at first, but the more the phone call continued, the more I realized he was serious..

Not long ago dad passed away and mum was suffering from severe depression. I was no longer working, so I agreed it was better that I went. It was, in fact, better for me to go rather than Ryan; he didn’t know how to say the right things to mum the way I did. Plus, if I didn’t go, I would worry myself sick anyway. I’m always worrying about mum, especially since my father’s death. Mum and dad moved to Australia just about 3 years ago, so it’s hard for Ryan and I to check on mum all the time. She doesn’t have any family out there, and it’s hard on her. Of course, she has her new friends, but at a time like this, she would just want us close by. I was thinking about just telling her to come home with me; she would be better off. I needed a ticket A.S.A.P.

Ryan booked my ticket that night and the next day I was on my way to Heathrow. I had my ticket to collect at check-in, as it was a last minute booking. When I arrived at the airport, about 3pm, I was starting to get nervous, I found myself concentrating on a family behind me in the queue, mum, dad, and their two kids.
"No, Shaun, stop it right now" The mum was saying to the little boy.
"I want my toy, now" Shaun demanded.
"It's packed away until we get home, now no more crying" she ordered.

I tried to focus on them to distract me from the upcoming flight, they reminded me of my own family, when we were little; Ryan would always stress mum and dad out, I was the angel. The only difference with them was that they were Australian. It was then, when I looked away from the little girl shaking her head at her brother, I noticed the flight was full, and I started to wonder how Ryan even got a ticket in the first place.

As I lingered over my last coffee in the airport lounge, It was cold, but I was determined to finish it, my thoughts turned to my mother. I wondered what had caused her to take an unexpected turn for the worst. The days before Ryan's phone call, when I had spoken to her last, she appeared to be getting better.

"Final boarding call for Virgin Atlantic flight 830 to Sydney" boomed the tanoid. The ticket agents' voice was bored, she didn't care if I made my flight. I grabbed my book and carry-on, and rushed through the lounge towards the gate. People were staring, but I didn't care, I had to make this flight. As I reached the gate, a woman in uniform closed a drawer at the counter, locking it with a key, as she talked to another woman in a matching suit. They looked at me, exchanging superior smiles.
"Flight 830" I gasped.
"Passport and boarding pass, please" The ticket agent sighed as she unlocked the drawer.

I hurried down the ramp and onto the plane. I hoped the family that was behind me in the queue, at check-in, would be seated near me, I would rather focus on them, than my own fears during the long flight. The plane held at least five hundred passengers. My seat, 16A, was in first class- thanks to Ryan. Where did he get the money from? I heard the family board, they must have been late too.
"I want my toy" Shaun was still crying. They turned the other direction and settled into their seats in coach. Fifteen minutes later we were preparing for take off.

Answer 1

A constructive critique; no re-writes, a few examples, suggestions; excuse length:



1. There are too many commas in incorrect places. Suggest you read this out loud to see where you pause. It should help you decide.



2. There are too many prepositional phrases.

They make a piece passive, which may be why some call it "boring" - though I wouldn't. Still prepositional phrases are frequent and become a liability.

Prepositions can be found in a good dictionary but I can list a few you use repeatedly: 'to, at, in, as, of' and more.

Drop them and see what happens.



3. There are many passive verb forms.

These make a piece passive also. Examples are: "was still crying... were preparing... hadn't been feeling too well" and more. They are identified by overuse of '-ing' and extra words around verbs.



Here is an old Wiki example I recall - a clear explanation:

-Passive-voice: "The cheese was eaten by the mouse."

-Active-voice: "The mouse ate the cheese."



4. "Strunk and White: The Elements of Style" includes an important tip:

"Omit unneeded words." Try it and see what happens.



5. The details of the flight itself are fine, it's the writing that needs work.

Please recall all good writers do many revisions.

Many have mentors or trusted and educated helpers to aid them.



6. Continue to write, read a wide variety of good books, observe all life around you with imagination and be persistent.



Best of luck.

Thanks for the share.

Answer 2

LK has some good comments. I would have to say it's boring, not because of all the details per se, but because most of the details are ordinary. Most people have flown on a commercial airliner these days, so you don't need to tell them what it's like, unless something is different from what they might expect.



On the other hand, not so many people will have flown first class, so you might want to elaborate on that, and contrast it with the narrator's previous experiences of flying economy. The ticket would say "first class" on it, so the narrator would know when he got it that he was travelling first class. Therefore, you need to mention that sooner than you do. First class typically has its own check in desks (sometimes shared with business class), so the queues are much shorter than economy. If the Australian family were in the same queue as the narrator, they would presumably be travelling first or business too.



You might want to check the seating plan for the aircraft - row 16 sounds too far back for first class. Actually, that's a detail I would cut. Even if it's important where the narrator is sitting relative to something or someone else (like the emergency exit), I would just say that the thing or person was so many rows behind or in front.

Answer 3

I think, that your story is well written but it's also kinda blah. I didn't feel my self being pulled in. If this is meant to be a part that moves the story to forward then you could expand on it. There is to much of a whirlwind between the character getting the call and having to leave on the plane. The is no one that she/he has to check in with boss or friends. Who is Ryan. Yeah i know he is the brother of the main character and a joker. But who is really? an older or younger brother, What does he do for a living. Married or single. Who was your dad character? how did he pass away?. there is more to your mom character then just her depression. Maybe throw in a fond memory of all of them together.



You could describe you surroundings a bit. What is your home like what is airport like.



What about that family really reminds you of your family? More than just how the main character and Ryan acted. Their would also have to be more differences then they were Australian. Your mom character is a beautiful blonde but that mom was a brunette or something like that. Maybe she was mean sounding then your mom character would have been.



No kid says i my toy. I want my hot wheels car/ elmo/ barbie. that is more believable.



ticket agents don't sight they are overly chipper. Even when they have a bad customer, they don't let their frustrations show.



realist question does anyone have landlines anymore. use a cell phone makes more sense.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

you used "hurried" a few times...try to think of a few different words for that, like "quickly" or something... www.rhymezone.com I believe gives you synonyms for words along w/ antonyms, and rhymes.