how want to read my story !?!?

Question

Plz read my story , its for essement and it has to be 600-800 words .
I know that the ending is really rushed so plz help me in that area and other things u think will make it good. :) thx xoxo

Shattered memories

Twenty years on, and I can still hear the shattering of the glass, the screams of fright, the blood and the tears all at once. The four of us met in preschool. Lara was a brunette but sometimes she acted like a blond. Whitney was the most athletic in our group, she loved to dance and when she went out on the floor she was so elegant and calm. Brittany had always been the shy one and usually you would find her reading a book in the library or adding her finishing touches to her assignment. Then there was me, Kristin. I guess you could say I kept everyone together.

Walking to the plane I could feel the cool breeze blowing against my back, and as I turned around I could see the sun finally going down as another day had passed. After a couple of hours on the plane had gone, I remembered looking at the beautiful scenery that we were flying above, and it seemed so unreal, but just so beautiful. Then suddenly the plane started to shake, and that’s the last thing I remembered.

I woke up to white swirls of fluffy mist, I struggled to my feet, and I frantically rushed to find the girls. When I finally found them, we sat down and looked around at what we had woken up to. It was dark, cool and scary.

We decided to find shelter for the night, as we walked around we found huge chunks of plane debris.

We could see a very dark looking house in the clearing and we all rushed towards it. The house was surrounded by white swirls of mist, we went inside and when I looked all around the house it was covered with cobwebs and dust and dirt. I thought in my head should we stay here? What could happen in under twenty-four hours? But my conscious told me, to run and get the hell away from this spooky house.

Whitney started to walk over to the stairs. I remember Lara asking her why, but she just ignored us.
We looked around for a bit, and then we heard a loud crash from upstairs. We yelled out to Whitney to investigate, but we heard no reply. I remember the three of us hearing noises coming from outside and we’d jump every time.

It had been less than Ten minutes and we hadn’t seen Whitney anywhere, so I decided to go and look for her.

I can remember the noises that came from each stair as I climbed the staircase. I suddenly heard the downstairs window shatter and screaming and crying. I ran down to see what had happened. As I looked around the room I could see glass on the ground and in the corner next to the piano, lay Lara. I rushed to her aid trying to make the bleeding stop, but it was too late. I ran to the kitchen, and written across the walls it said, “The game’s begun”, and I was puzzled for a second when I finally realised what it meant.

I continued to run towards the violent screams. Then I heard loud heavy footsteps coming downstairs, I ran outside and quietly closed the old wooden door. I looked back to the dark kitchen and saw a person who was wearing all black and had red thick blood dripping down from his hands. In one hand they had a shovel and in the other they had Brittany by her hair.

I had to stop myself from screaming with fright. The shovel hit Brittany more than a thousand times, and the bones started cracking and blood pour out all over the kitchen floor. As I looked up into the bathroom window I could see Whitney tied up screaming for help, I looked back to the kitchen, but he was gone.

I went back inside the house to the kitchen, it was dark and I struggled to find a knife. I could still hear Whitney screaming. I could hear the stranger upstairs, one step ahead of me. When I finally got upstairs I couldn’t see him anymore. I rushed to the bathroom and I slowly saw his back as he opened up the door to Whitney. Her screams became louder than ever.

I slowly moved my hand back, ready to go in for the kill. I stabbed the knife in the back of the killer and he slowly fell down to the floor. I rushed to Whitney’s aid, and I walked her downstairs. We walked outside hand in hand.

As we were walking I heard the shatter of a window. Brittany slowly released her hand and she fell to the ground. I looked back and there he was.

I ran for my life. I didn’t know where I was going until I found myself on a road, I quickly moved from the truck coming towards me and I looked back and all I could see was the killer lying face down on the bitumen.

Soz if it was too long :)

xoxo

Answer 1

Your story flowed very well (a little surprising, since your title was in text speak and all) and the grammar was eloquent, as was the vocabulary. There are just a few sentences where the structure is a little awkward and I've edited it:



I woke up to white swirls of fluffy mist, I struggled to my feet, and I frantically rushed to find the girls. This should be "I woke up to white swirls of fully mist. Struggling to my feet, I frantically rushed to find the girls."



When you say 'dark, cool and scary', the word 'cool' seems a little weird, considering how the word 'cool' is used nowadays. You could use cold instead.



"The shovel hit Brittany more than a thousand times." Is that a typo? Because that seems to be exaggeration, and it doesn't fit in with your story. You can say ten or fifty, but a thousand?



"I rushed to the bathroom and I slowly saw his back as he opened up the door to Whitney." This sentence is generally okay, but there are too many sentences with similar structure. I would edit it to "Rushing to the bathroom, I slowly saw his back as he opened up the door to Whitney."



Your story isn't bad, just a few minor edits. Good job and hope I helped!

Answer 2

I desire that you just dont brain however i might love to increase at the origins of the tale slightly; Its a excellent tale written by way of the deobandi i.e wahabbi, salafi persons within the UK funded by way of Saudi and taught from Saudi Imams, i do know them good as a institution, here's thier ideals on different matters: All females must put on niqab and put on black, that is not anything perscribed by way of Islam All females must keep residence and no longer paintings external of the residence (for that reason why i used to be known as to be with the spouse of a sheikh while she used to be so in poor health within the medical institution when you consider that she used to be 28 years ancient and certainly not have been round a male as opposed to husband or father so she didnt know the way to manage the male medical professional who used to be seeking to store her and her infants lifestyles) There isn't any Tasawwuf (Information concering the conventional Islamic technology of self-benefit and spirituality) its pushing a worry Allah SWT schedule, Its no longer Islam to worry, its Islam to like. If it used to be as much as those persons there might be no Sayyida Zaynab mosque and Egypts variation and knowledge of Islam might be very specific, compliment be to Allah swt that there'll continuously be persons in Egypt and the leisure of the sector which will be in contrast ideology. Please any person dont misunderstand what im announcing, im no longer announcing that Islamic dawah isn't a quality notion and motion however the variety of Ideology and the have an effect on of that on any society and persons is what demands to be measured. I in my opinion wouldnt love to are living in an international run by way of the Saudi- wahabbi schedule of Islam. Allah is aware of quality

Answer 3

Good

please read mine

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20110226191845AAXYUCz

Answer 4

tl;dr

Answer 5

can I use this idea?