Question:
Okay, the beginning of my story ive already posted and more additions.....what do you think?
amy
2009-05-27 12:42:13 UTC
sorry its longer I would just like opinions....and PLEASE not so much on the grammer....i know i KNOW its not right, this is a ROUGH draft. :)

Thanks!

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He stared into her eyes those eyes that were unfathomably deep and consuming, and trying his hardest to tell her what he was thinking, all he could manage was a kind of gulping sound that had escaped his throat.
A betrayal of breath, he thought to himself.
What was she thinking letting him stare at her like this? Doesn’t she know how easy it is to get lost in those deep violet eyes of hers? He couldn’t believe the power that he felt draining woozily from his soul.
She just stood there merely inches from his face with a smirk that lasted only at her mouth. As if the smile never reached her eyes.

“Did you have something that you wanted to ask me Seth?” questioned Athene knowing very well what she was doing.

Alright you…you…GIRL…I don’t know where you came from or why you have decided to follow...no STALK me… but I think it’d be best to go our separate ways from now on. And if you have a problem with that I don’t care, because, just because you are beautiful doesn’t mean that you can get away with being clingy, and let’s face it…a little creepy!

All those thoughts running in Seth’s head, all those things that he wanted to scream at this violet eyed awkward girl and all that came out was another gulp, this time more of a choke. Athene just sat there staring at Seth wondering when it was that she could get him to break. Maybe if I stare at you like this, and she squinted her eyes in crescent shapes trying to see into the boys mind. Or maybe you like it like THIS, and she proceeded to open her eyes wide showing the full force of their violet vehemence.

Seth just sat there incredulously almost turning a hint of blue and he finally realized that he had stopped breathing. He strained his eyes and tried to force them out of the path of Athene’s but the girl held them where they could be stable.
His initial thought was that he was dying, and when he sat there unable to blink he realized that wasn’t the case, not at all. Although he was not able to intake any breath outwardly oddly enough oxygen was still flowing in and out of his lungs.

Athene, unable to unlock this boys mind, was getting very frustrated at the fact that she had never failed before. So she tried harder than she ever had, concentrating on a key turning in circles trying to unlock this boys head.
There must be something very wrong with you Sethus Morgan.
She pushed once more trying to break through, and with no budge, she released his gaze.

Seth Stumbled and automatically reached to surround his hands around his throat. Even though he had been able to breathe, it wasn’t voluntary, and it felt as if something had taken over his body. This girl who had been following him everywhere he went, who had the audacity to trick him into even looking in her direction had just made the wrong move. The boy regained his poise and stared directly at the violet eyed girl. She no longer wore her smirk as she looked as if she had finally realized something she was trying to figure out in her mind. Athene, as if she had heard a faint warning, wore a face of shock and horror and she dodged out of the way of Seth’s arms trying to strangle her.

As fast as Seth had advanced on Athene, she was gone. All that was left of the violet eyed girl was a whirl of charcoal colored dust still twirling around and finally it dissipated into nothing. Seth stood at the exact spot where the girl had vanished and quickly thought to himself,
If I knew that all I had to do to get rid of her was try to kill her, I would have tried that hours ago.
He quickly pushed that thought out of his mind and moved his face into a contorted posture. He wouldn’t allow his old self to even touch the surface of his new life.

A Ruby colored flash distracted Seth, and sent his vision to the west of him. He scanned the area to see where the flash could have come from but found nothing. It almost saddened him to think that he was alone again. Even though he hated Athene it was at least company. It had been years since he had anything more than a sideways glace in his direction. Another burst of ruby this time to his east side had shone a reflection off a broken shard of glass. Seth whipped his head up and turned to make the reflection out but it was only a piece of broken glass. He brought his sleeve up to his head and wiped off a long bead of sweat from his forehead. When he brought his arm back down the ruby color had this time flashed in the lower corner of his vision.
Am I crazy?
As he tried to explain these freak ruby appearances he felt a trickle of liquid fall and hit his shoe. Absently he looked down to inspect the liquid and saw that it was strangely the tint of ruby. Stricken with curiosity the boy shook his foot around in circles
Twelve answers:
anonymous
2009-05-27 13:48:57 UTC
Wow, that's really good, i could see the scene in my head and it brought out emotions in me, which is the best comment you could get as a writer!

It's really descriptive and i leaves me wondering who she was, what was going on and i sooo want to read more!



also ignore that ^^ twilight comment, because like you said, it's nothing like Twilight, at all.



I loved it :)

Happy writing! :)
Melissa D
2009-05-27 14:10:39 UTC
I totally agree with BookWo.... I really liked it and want to read more! It was intriguing and well written.



The only thing that confused me was the 2 lines about the ruby color to the east? ---> Another burst of ruby this time to his east side had shone a reflection off a broken shard of glass. Seth whipped his head up and turned to make the reflection out but it was only a piece of broken glass.

Maybe get rid of the the 2nd line?
SamyJo
2009-05-27 13:56:32 UTC
Your story is good but a little confusing. You have both characters thoughts running around in this part and it greatly confuses me. Try to put each persons thoughts starting in different chapters. I can't wait to read the whole story. If you post the whole thing on a book site can you let me know? You don't have to if you don't feel like it but I'd really appreciate it. My email is booknerd813@yahoo.com. Bye. Really good.
Diana
2009-05-28 04:48:18 UTC
I think it's good, and original- people sem to think everything is like twilght!...Good luck with it. It was a bit confusing but I suppose that's because, as you say, it's the middle of a chapter. I like the name Athene, by the way!...*
sanaya t
2009-05-27 12:50:39 UTC
its good writing, and i don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything but i really have no idea whats going on or what its about. if your going to have two peoples thoughts at once you should have different chapters for them. like the same scenario but how it went down according to them. otherwise it gets confusing like this. but you had some really good sentences in there.
4Wheels
2009-05-27 12:48:07 UTC
I really like it.

I want to know more about what the girl can do

Nice job



Have a nice day

4wheels
anonymous
2009-05-27 12:50:47 UTC
So far, I enjoyed it! Can anyone answer mine? https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20090526122158AAWgpYz
Matty
2009-05-27 14:32:03 UTC
this is good :)

its not my sort of stuff

but im pretty sure girls would like this :)
?
2009-05-27 12:54:18 UTC
great writing, but... wannabe twilight much???
anonymous
2009-05-27 13:50:51 UTC
its really good
anonymous
2009-05-27 15:10:29 UTC
wonderful! that is all i have to say!
anonymous
2009-05-27 14:42:51 UTC
great stuff :)


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