Can someone critique this small excerpt? Please?

Question

This is only an excerpt. I can't really give away anything except that they are all derived forms of witches and can do magic. Blythe got really drunk and Charlotte (MC, her roommate) took her to the nurse before she could get the full bouts of alcohol poisoning. Madame Monteluz is the principal and Maudie is assistant nurse. You're doing me a huge favor here!

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Ugh. It feels like someone bashed my head in. I open my eyes, blinking out the stray tears that follow. Bits and pieces of last night flash in my mind, dim recollection of Blythe’s heaving, Maudie’s grumbles of pain, and the fist that swung into my face when I knelt too close.

I lift my head, lightly pressing on my face. Yep, definitely bruised. When I catch my reflection in the mirror, I’m sporting a larger black eye than when Logan hit me. I guess I learned one valid lesson from all of this:

Never try to sustain Blythe when she’s drunk.

“Oh good, you’re up,” Maudie says, scooping up the pillow my head was resting on beside Blythe’s legs. “I was just about to wake you. You’re going to be late for class.”

Sitting up, my back shivers and cracks several times as I stretch. A very attractive sound escapes my throat, a risible variety of “ungaahh.” I wipe the drool off the side of my lip. Maudie snorts.

“What time is it?”

“About time you got up and maybe showered. I can still smell her puke on you.” She tilts her head in Blythe’s direction, who I hadn’t noticed was awake until now.

She’s gently combing her hair back, oblivious to the conversation going on around her, eyes so far off and distant it’s like she is in a parallel universe. An IV is positioned along her inner elbow, hooked up to a drip chamber, and an oxygen tube under and up her nose.

I wave my hand in front of her face. Nothing. “Is she okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. Or as fine as you can be after alcohol poisoning. She has to stay here for a while so we can monitor her, make sure she doesn’t relapse.”

Madame Monteluz steps up from behind the counter, clasping her hands together, radiant as ever, though somewhat haggard with bloodshot eyes. “She must also visit the guidance counselor and onsite psychologist for weekly sessions in order to unravel and control the debilitative thoughts she is having.” She walks closer and puts her hand on my shoulder, gazing at Blythe. “You did the right thing by bringing her in Charlotte. Do you have any idea where she might have gotten the intoxicating beverages from?”

I open my mouth to tell her but Blythe’s eyes cut to me, fury unleashed in those brown eyes of hers. She drops the brush. “You don’t need to ask her because I brought them. I disguised them with magic and snuck it right under the tip of Akenhead’s hairy nose. You have got to get better security around here.”

Akenhead, a stringy old man as chief of security at Monteluz, scoffs from the back of the room.

“Have you not told anyone else of your valiant endeavors to remain a nuisance at this school, or have you paraded your gallantry to your fellow peers?” Madame Monteluz’s voice is uncharacteristically harsh, sarcasm laced within, and her fingers tighten against my shoulder. “It would implore you not to be so vain, Miss Buchanan. Your royal lineage may be an integral part of the Council but do not doubt that your parents wouldn’t be as ashamed of you as I am now.”

Blythe’s scarlet cheeks are trailed with shining tears, her lips quavering. “Please, please don’t—”

“Spare me. I shall give you one more chance and one more chance alone to move onto recovery. Your parents will not be told of this little impediment, but let that be warning enough for you. Do I make myself clear?”

Blythe nods speedily, nearly ripping out the tubing beneath her nose. She looks like a Labrador that has been reprimanded for peeing on the carpet. I hardly believe this is her last time having a sip on campus.

“Excellent. Master Akenhead, if you would please escort me to your security check in area. We have some matters in breaching to be dealt with. Miss DeAuria, I believe you must leave as well; you have your Charoite lesson to get to. Good day to you all.”

She exits after Akenhead, her orange robe billowing like fire behind her, a blazing trail of flames extending with each and every step.

Answer 1

I'm honestly impressed! And that's saying something because I'm a nitpicker.



I get a genuine sense of each individual character's personality, and through actions no less! Like how Blythe struck Charlotte when she tried to help her when she was sick. That's very telling of her personality. Most people I review rely so heavily exposition, but here you rely on action and dialogue to get you through and that's very promising.



I really like Madam Monteluz and her stiff manner. However, I'd like to mention I found her dialogue to be a bit too stiff, robotic sounding. Try injecting a little more emotion beyond her cold disapproval (a student's life was endangered, a little fear maybe?).



Anyway, I'm really interested in this story. Do you have the full text posted somewhere I could read it? I'd be happy to give the occasional review.

Answer 2

I don't do this kind of factor. But considering you ask, kinda get-ho. No, I imply that till now people would just ask for opinion about vampire studies that they'd written. So this is from a ghetto standpoint. I did not mean it in any derogatory means.

Answer 3

It's definintly very interesting, It might need a bit of re-wording... At some parts of it but other than that I thought it was very good.