Extract from the story I'm wirting. Please send in your opinions.?

Question

Amy was sitting by the small pond of the huge garden of the mansion writing the next scene of the play. Mark was strolling a few feet away from with his guitar trying to compose a new tune for the up coming play. It was a very peaceful day. There was no noise of the traffic from the road. Birds were chirping in the trees surrounding the garden. The freshly mowed grass smelled good to both of them. Butterflies fluttered above the colorful flowers which surrounded the garden. A light was blowing which made the day bright, sunny and breezy. It was the perfect day to be outdoors.

As Amy wrote, her mind was only concentrating on the story. The sound of Mark’s guitar did not disturb her. She often sat besides this pond to write. When she was young, beautiful white swan’s found home in this pond. Since then this corner of the garden was her favorite place.

Mark on the other hand was not able to concentrate. It was difficult for him to be in proximity with the girl sitting across him. Her persona always overpowered his which pinched him inside. He was always the ‘strong personality’ guy. But these days his confidence was shaking because of the calm faced beauty who was presently engrossed in her thoughts.

The wind started blowing with a little more force now. As Amy wrote yet another page, a strand of her hair fell on her forehead, covering her right eye. Distraction was something which irritated her the most. She curled the strand behind her ear and was immediately at her work again. Mark saw from the corner of his eyes that the strand loosened from the back of Amy’s ear and fell again on her eyes. He smiled to himself as Amy pulled it back to its place.

The wind was feeling as naughty as Mark’s smile. It kept troubling Amy by blowing the same strand of hair again and again on her eyes.

Every time her hair covered the eyes, Mark could not hold back his thoughts. She looked extremely beautiful. The sun illuminated her dark brown hair. Her white skin looked transparent enhancing all her features. Her green eyes were curious, cautious and bright. Her thoughts were floating through her eyes and her fingers more than her mind. Her lips moved silently as she wrote.

Mark moved closer to Amy as the wind once again played its part. This time Amy did not bother to move the hair out of her face. She tried to shake her head once to move them out of her sight. She was writing excitedly. Her thoughts were flowing down on the paper effortlessly now. She knew what she wanted clearly.

She did not even look up when Mark was standing right next to her. Though she did not appreciate his presence, she was unaffected at the moment. The wind was now blowing harshly. Probably irritated, as all its efforts to trouble Amy were going unnoticed by her.
Her hair fell loose from the small clip that held them.
Before Amy could reach up to tie them again, Mark hands found the disarranged hair on her face. With the lightest of touch, he freed her face from the blowing brown almost silk. He took the butterfly shaped clip from Amy’s fingers and tied them up for her. The guilty strand again fell on her forehead. Mark held the strand with his finger and rolled it behind Amy’s ear gently patting it to stay there.

Amy could not understand anything that just happened. She had ‘confusion’ printed right across her face. Mark’s gesture was definitely unpredictable but the look in his eyes troubled her the most. There was no pride and ego there. His deep blue eyes were looking at her, appreciating her. But for what reason she could not speculate.

Mark turned around as a thousand questions started building up inside Amy. He grinned to himself, with his back to Amy.

Amy wanted to call out to him but before she found her voice again Mark was playing his guitar again. A piece of music he had just composed. Without any guidance, his fingers hit the right note and a melodious, flawless composition started taking shape.

She tried to concentrate back on the story. Nothing held her more than the music which was being played around her. This was the first time when something else felt more important to her than her passion. The wind still blew through her soft curls making them dance to the tune of the exotic notes leaving the strings of Mark’s guitar.

Answer 1

Great story. The story needs more of a twist if you want a bigger audience, if they become boyfriend and girlfriend the story will have a small plot, you should if you haven't explain the hardships before, maybe she meets someone else likes but grows to like the character, I suggest you don't make the "rival" or the other guy she likes, popular, people often do that and it gets boring. You could also point out that they all childhood friends and would add conflict with the main character because if they did have a more complicated relationship and broke up they would grow apart and never be freinds again, I hope your book or story becomes popular. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Wow, that's detailed! I wonder what is going to happen next...about the play and how Amy and Mark's lives turn. Great job!

Answer 3

WAY too much passive voice. The details are nice, all you need to do is change your verb tenses--it will read vibrantly once you do that.