10 POINTS TO THE MOST HONESTLY BRUTAL CRITIQUE!!?

Question

They made another appearance. Thin jagged tongues licked the ground carnivorously while some writhed feverishly from their rabid mouths. The man whimpered, he was at the mercy of these beings that conquered the earth. Satisfied, the forked tongued Devourers vanished again into the darkness, back into their sinister lairs. In an instant all was silent.

The soldier wrapped his thin slippery jacket around his muscular torso, the only armour he had at hand. The trees scattered on the landscape bent terribly backwards, as if they were trying to break out of the ground. He prickled all over, the small hairs that covered his body threatened to join them. Years of military pride shushed his terror and kept his toes curled into the ground.

Warm rain clung to the man’s clammy skin like thick saliva. For a cowardly second, he almost gave in to his terrible desire to burst into a run. A cool sweat of shame began to seep out of his every pore. The patient soldier in him straightened his posture and stared up daringly at the dark silent sky. Content, he finally turned away.

The man took a few liberating steps forward. Several hasty steps later, he glanced back anxiously at the menancing darkness. A faint smile creased his face. He was proud of standing his ground till the end. Deciding that the worst was over, he let out a relieved chortle. A few seconds went by. He smirked.

Hidden in the darkness, the Devourers responded with a ground-shaking bloodcurdling roar. He shivered and slowly turned his back on them. The wind wailed in their temper and the earth trembled beneath him. The man staggered down to his knees. Flying debris and sharp twigs pierced bullet holes through his thin rain-jacket. The man gasped for air and coughed through fumes of dirt and acid rain.

Forever the storm seemed to rage. Then it ceased, and all was still. The man let out a series of silent sobs. The icy current of air from the Devourer’s wrath had finally blown the courage and pride right out of his him. Scalding tears fell out of his grayish blue eyes. He was going to die. In shame the man took off, and the thunderstorm rumbled behind him with victorious mirth.

Answer 1

Ok here goes:



I don't get the whole point of the first paragraph. I'm assuming the man in that paragraph died but I had to read back up after the second and third to make sure it wasn't the same man. For that fact you might want to help clarify that by allowing the use of a name, or using soldier more consistently for the second man.



If the first paragraph was intended to introduce the Devourers then you might want to add a little more to it.



I wasn't too sure what the soldier was doing. Running from the Devourers I thought at first. Then the paragraph about him standing his ground, then fleeing again. I'm left wondering why he was out there anyways.



Using powerful descriptions are fine but use them in moderation or they start to lose their impact. You certainly can create a colorful environment but don't be too afraid to allow the reader to create some of it in their mind. The why is often more important that the what.



You make some irrelevant passages of time. ie... "The man took a few liberating steps forward. Several hasty steps later," and "Deciding that the worst was over, he let out a relieved chortle. A few seconds went by. He smirked". You can generate this passage of time without needing to highlight it to make a point. Most readers will assume a reasonable amount of time passage based on the events in the story anyways. It seems your trying to control too much of what you want the reader to understand.



There are some sentences that could have been combined and others are redundant. Beating up the same one i used above "... he let out a relieved chortle. A few seconds went by. He smirked." A chortle is a suppressed laugh. But the transition between this laugh and the smirk doesn't hold any meaning in advancing the story or even in understanding the character.



I don't pretend to be an expert editor, but I think everything that stood out to me is the result of what I already said. You are trying too hard to describe too much.

Answer 2

This felt less like a story and more like a display of pretentious vocabularly. Inexperienced writers are easy to pick out, not because they are necessarily "bad" but because they try too hard -- i.e. confiscating for age and skill by using as many different adjectives as possible. This passage reeks of an automatic thesaurus. I apologize if you did manage the majority of descriptions on your own, but the use of them is a bit gaudy and amaetur. There is such a thing as "too much" description, and your wording in this story distracts completely from what is going on. The action. Your readers don't want to struggle through mounds of words, they want to be entertained.



An author using a thesaurus is like a poet using a rhyming dictionary. It's unnatural. Write what you know, or else you will come across as trying too hard. Until you use certain words naturally, you will not be able to utilize them correctly in prose.



I don't know what you were expecting with this "brutally honest critique". Perhaps you have put so much effort into your piece or you are so cocky, you don't expect anything to be wrong with it. Well, it's nowhere near brilliant, even verging on annoying. Aside from the extreme abuse of vocab, you have decent sentence structure. Your writing has potential. Once you grow out of this excessively wordy phase, you might even be good. All you can do for now is read, read, read, and practice. You get better all the time, I promise. What I'm telling you now, I was told about six or seven years ago on this same site. And you know what? My writing's gotten better as I've grown. Yours will, too.

Answer 3

Very descriptive and original. I felt like I could have been in the man's place. One thing I don't understand was why the Devourers returned to their lair; why didn't they kill the man? It kept my attention and wanted me craving for more.

Answer 4

Well no i wouldnt dislike her... there is no reason 2... you just resent her a bit because you miss your friend :( she didnt knw she hurt you by being this guy's girl friend... may b if you even talk 2 her she might turn out 2 b a good person :) give her a chance :)

Answer 5

You use very good language, but I found it hard to get into. Like the other answer, at some points in the story I was a bit confused of what was going on. All in all I was very impressed by this, I just found it hard to get into it. Good luck with your story, and please finish it!

Answer 6

I'm soo confused!

But the writing and descriptiveness is REALLY good :)