how does this part of my book sound? -revised-?

Question

its a vampire novel part. its been revised considering my last question :3


The sound of the bear became clearer by the second. My eyes flashed in its direction. A black shape emerged from the mass plant thickets and I hissed. The bear’s beady black eyes widened at my sight as if he knew what was coming. We began circling each other as if we were doing a deadly dance. The bear knew I was going to make the first move so as we danced he slowly inched away. But I always win. I crouched on the floor while still moving. The bear sadly did not know what was coming. I lunged like a panther, pushing off from my legs with my arms outstretched waiting to grab the prey. My dinner roared in defense and started to flee but I was too quick.
My incredibly strong hands gripped the bear’s rump and pulled my body toward it. The rough fur of the bear served as a very good material to cling onto. I slowly crawled to its neck. Under my sensitive finger tips, I felt the bear’s heart beat. It was quick and I started to feel guilty about killing such a wonderful animal. Yet I had to survive didn’t I? I exposed my fangs and bit into the flesh. The bear finally got that no matter what; he was going to die today. I withdrew sweet bear blood. In a few moments, the bear collapsed to the floor, dead.
I wiped my mouth with my hand. I fell to my knees and began stroking the bear’s side, as if thanking it for giving its life so that I could live.

Answer 1

Better. But bears don't generally run from prospective dinners, and there's still the whole thing about clinging onto the bear's butt and crawling up it while it does nothing. And I still think a bear's neck would be too big to chomp on.

Answer 2

well done for trying again but to be honest I don't think this whole bear thing is working. Try a more easier animal for her to sink her teeth into. Perhaps a deer or a rabbit or a hog. And again the bear wouldn't go down without a fight or turn his back on prey.

Answer 3

this is really good. i like the bear as the meal. but i think the bear should be more realistic... which means it should fight back while it can

Answer 4

Much better.



Get rid of the "Didn't I?" after "I had to survive." It doesn't fit with the rest of the story.



Overall this is some great improvement! Imagine how good it'll be after your NEXT draft! (: Keep up the good work.



GL

Answer 5

Scary, but well done.

Answer 6

I think its really good :)