Question:
please read this and tell me what you think? any suggestions??? =)?
Potato within =)
2009-07-03 16:17:54 UTC
ok so I just randomly began to write this, I didnt really have an idea of how the story would plan out so it kinda just worked itself out.

i was just wondering whether it was any good and whether I should carry on with it? any sugestions would be greatly apreciated.

i apologise in advance for any spelling mistakes or grammar errors! =) (im only human! lol
"Trinnadon," I hesitated, "Trinnadon, is it true what they say?" I turned my head around. Slowly emerging out of the darkness was a small hooded man with his face completely covered. "I mean about the creatures that the scouts found near the outskirts, is it really true?" a weary old man stepped into the light. The light revealed a tired looking man. His face and hands were scared with the tales of his life, each one more exciting and breath taking than the last.

Trinnadon was the last of the elders. He was the oldest man alive now, and had been for some time. He was the only one that can remember what it was like, I mean before everything happened. He was the last connection that I had to the surface, and to my parents.

My eyes followed his every move. Slowly he waddled over to a dust covered, battered chair underneath the fading light from the old world lamp. His legs seemed to give way as he crashed down into the chair. A huge cloud of dust rose up into the air. I watched as it began to fall again and slowly faded into the shadows. He grumbled to himself, almost seeming impressed with himself for landing on the chair. I smiled and turned my whole body round to face him.

Trinnadon looked up at me. His small round eyes more alive and wild than I had seen in a long time. they didn’t look like the eyes of an old tired lonely man. no they looked like the eyes of a young boy ready for an adventure, excited about life. Trinnadon was not like that. no and he hadn’t been for a long long time.

i had heard the people talking about him once. they said how amazing he was, anything that was broken he could fix, no matter what it was. leave it with him and in about 3 or 4 hours it was fixed, better than new.

he was always coming up with new crazy inventions, he wanted to change things, he wanted to make them better for everyone. he truly believed that there was good in everyone, no matter what they had done, or were doing, he always saw the good in them and gave them a second chance!

I began to feel uncomfortable. Slowly his glare wore off into a soft gaze that looked from my face down to my twitching hands, and then finally rested on a book in his hand. "I don't know my dear! I wish I did." I smiled to myself and stood up. Trinnadon didn't even look up as I walked over towards him. I had to dodge bits of metal and other broken piece of junk that lay on the floor.

Trinnadon kept everything from the old world. He would always say that you never know when one day we might need it again, or maybe even one day we will return to the surface. Over the years he had tried to modify things so that they worked down here. He had a few successful inventions, but there was always something missing.

He was never satisfied with what he had made. He would stay awake, sometimes for weeks on end, just going over and over the things. Looking for something, something that he was missing. But he never found it. he became obsessed. it ruined him. Lately he has just given up. He hasn't invented anything, or fixed something for little over 3 years now. He just sits alone in his darkened house staring at the pages of those books he has. They are written in some kind of old language.

All the animals, and the technology, I have never seen anything like some of the things in the books. Sometimes I can't even imagine them they are so strange. They are so amazing and so perfect, they don't seem real. It really makes me think, if they had all this technology, then why did we end up here, in the darkness. what went wrong up there for us to end up down here?

Trinnadon always say it is because we got greedy. We started to mess with things that we shouldn't have messed with. We brought this on ourselves, and it is up to us to do something about it.

I stared entranced at Trinnadon. He just sat there flicking through page after page after page. Never stopping or looking up to see if I was still there! "Trinnadon," I hesitated again. He didn't even move. I sighed and slowly got to my feet. "I will see you tomorrow." I said as I walked out of the room. The light in the kitchen began to flicker. I stopped dead in my tracks. I held my breath, praying that the lights wouldn't fail again.

Eventually they settled. I turned to wave goodbye to Trinnadon, but he was to interested in his book to notice me leaving. I gathered my back pack up of the kitchen table and slung it over my shoulder. I took one last look before exiting out the old rickety door. I closed it behind me and turned to face the darkness that lay before me.

the streets smelth of oil, and
Eight answers:
?
2009-07-06 15:42:41 UTC
omg for my live i couldnt find u lol



its really good and im so proud of u :)



some bits need some work but apart from that its great :)



no joke took me 4ever 2 find lol



keep up the good work n remember if u do u could be a great author just dont forget me ;) lol i no u wouldnt lol



hope u reply, ur best friend :)
ghost
2009-07-04 06:43:30 UTC
It needs some padding in the section involving Trinnadon's recent lack of adventure and ageing body.

But apart from that a good beginning to a post apocalyptic story line, as usual your use of the descriptive is excellent and apart from making him "waddle" to the chair (the image made me laugh lol) maybe make him hobble or shuffle, your use of words is also of a high standard.

But I want to read more, although I'm not a fan of sci-fi, and hold an interest in what the creatures maybe.

So with a little work and padding it will be another great piece of work.
pizzaman
2009-07-03 16:33:01 UTC
It sounds quite good, probably needs some more tweaking in parts. If you're planning to write a novel with this you'd maybe need to pad it out, slow the pace a little bit e.g like the Trinnadon description part could have more depth, maybe tell us a bit more about him, well thats what i think anyway.
2009-07-03 16:47:09 UTC
Good beginning. I really liked it but you should fix it up here and there - punctuation and the like. My only suggestion would be to just keep editing it until you're 100% sure that it's perfect. Go with your instinct.



If this were a book, I would keep reading it. It's really cool. But your last sentence got cut off.



Answer mine? https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20090703163544AAcL0wN
Menchi
2009-07-03 16:32:17 UTC
Delicious! Good ****, your metaphors are a bit messed up and it tends to focus on characters impressions than surroundings, for a good balance read Ian Banks "Wasp Factory", but other than that with some teaching (college) you could be a new author!
radamclaren
2009-07-03 23:00:57 UTC
Back on top form again! I see your writers block has gone:) Brilliant writing, you really have got a vivid imagination! Keep up the good work:)
answers
2009-07-03 16:39:21 UTC
Great stuff although you might want to add dialogue. It seems its easier to tell a story so long as you don't have to add dialogue. Just an observation
Kal :)
2009-07-03 16:25:09 UTC
Please continue!

it sounds really good, and the plot seems interesting.

If that doesn't move you to keep me writing.

I was called down to dinner and missed 10 minutes of this because i couldn't stop reading it. Grammar errors should be fixed, but otherwise good.

Check out my question please

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20090703161512AAia3ie


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