Question:
Harry Potter fans - please read my Lily/Snape fanfiction (oneshot)?
ρяєтту♥ğяєєи♥єуєš
2010-05-16 10:53:53 UTC
I wrote this fanfic quickly so its a little rushed in places... but overall, what do you think of it? Polite criticism is always welcome and I'm open to advice, but no rudeness please :)

The title of the fanfiction is "Look at Me"
***
It was an idyllic summer in Spinner’s end; leaves rustled gently in the wind that swept along the tree tops, their shadows dancing on the grassy knoll. Severus liked the feel of it tickling his skin and exhaled softly, his eyes closed. Moments later, muffled laughter interrupted his reverie and he turned to glance upon the pretty, green-eyed girl sitting beside him; long, red hair tumbling down her shoulders.
“What?” He asked, his tone defensive. Giggling again at his confusion, she reached out towards him and Severus held his breath in anticipation, but her intentions soon became clear as she plucked a soft, white feather out of his hair and held it out in the palm of her hand.
“Oh,” he said, quickly rearranging the disappointment on his face so that his smile matched hers. “Thanks, Lily.” As she returned her attention to the large, heavy book open in front of them, Severus relished the opportunity to study her face in extreme detail. Parted slightly open, her lips were soft and pink in colour, sculpted voluptuously around rows of small white teeth. Her creamy skin, smooth and unblemished, was coloured only by the faint rose in her cheeks. Strands of glossy, auburn hair framed her heart-shaped face; his gaze following the imaginary line that lead from her cute, up-turned nose to a pair of stunning emerald eyes. A furrow formed in Lily’s forehead and, although the desire to continue staring burned inside him, he forced himself to look away.
“Sev?” He stopped ripping blades of grass from their roots and slowly met her gaze. “Why is there a potion for brewing mandrake blood in here? I thought you said they didn’t teach that one anymore.”
“They don’t,” Severus agreed, pleased by her curiosity.
“Then why-?“
“It’s my mother’s old book,” he interrupted, and comprehension flooded Lily’s expression like water to a sinking ship. “When she was at Hogwarts, they taught you how to make it in sixth year. But now they’ve taken it off the syllabus; they reckon it’s too dangerous for us to handle,” his tone implied much disdain.
“It does sound quite dangerous,” Lily offered, scanning the page of instructions. He snorted scornfully at this.
“Only for people like Potter and Black, who insist on showing off rather than paying attention.” Lily bit her lip, and Severus longed to know what she was thinking. However, she remained silent and soon the opportunity to answer had passed.
“So where did you find the book?”
“At the bottom of a box, in the attic,” he proudly replied. “There was a whole load of them.”
Lily frowned. “What on earth were they doing up there?” A little embarrassed, he shrugged and mumbled something about his dad. Silently, she placed a consoling hand on his to show she understood. Feeling like fire erupted inside him.
“Petunia doesn’t like it when I leave my stuff around the house, either. Do you remember Valerie? Tuney’s best friend? Well, she came round for dinner the other day and found my wand on the kitchen table. She thought it was a knitting needle and started waving it about, demonstrating how to knit a woolly scarf.”
Severus couldn’t help but chuckle at the muggle’s silly mistake. “I expect Petunia was delighted,” he added sarcastically.
“You bet she was! Now Tuney says it’s my fault that she can never have friends round ever again.” Lily’s enthusiasm had trailed off by the end of the sentence; the memory stinging more than she expected it to, and neither said anything for what seemed like an age. Eventually, the silence was broken by Severus.
“Do you think you’ll want a family some day?” He asked, settling on his back.
“Sure. Don’t you?” Severus ignored her question and continued gazing up at the clear blue sky.
“How many children?” he persisted.
“Gosh Sev, I don’t know!”
“Go on, just say.”
“But-“
“Just say!”
“Well... a few, I suppose.”
“And what would you call them all?”
“Sev!” she cried in exasperation; he returned a genuine laugh, enjoying the sound of his name on her lips.
“Go on, play along,” he encouraged, “For me,” and Lily tutted at his attempt at emotional blackmail.
“Well...” she conceded, “I was thinking... I mean, I quite like... Harry. For a boy.”
“Harry,” Severus repeated, considering the name.
“What about you?” She asked, switching positions from lying on her front propped up on her elbows, to sitting cross-legged, facing him. But even as she awaited an answer, Severus’ mind had already taken off into the skies. He imagined the two of them, older but essentially the same; smiling hand-in-hand. And then the scene morphed into another... and all of a sudden, Severus was gazing into a pair of eyes; Lily’s eyes, in the face of a little baby boy. Their son.
In the time it
Five answers:
?
2010-05-16 13:10:03 UTC
...constructive criticism...no rewrites...suggestions and examples only...



1. I like this fanfic very much. I like you know to call it a "oneshot."

You're already more of a writer than you perhaps realize.



2. You're having some trouble with prepositions.

I have occasional trouble with them too. That's the reason I've read and studied them.



3. The prepositions are often out of place.

The odd placement and some unneeded prepositions are what keeps your story from being really good.



4. The most frequent errors with preps (besides over-use) is the type you choose... "at" and "to" and "in" and "out" and "upon" and more. These are awkward and need a review.



5. The use of the word "emerald" to describe green eyes has become very cliche.

I really hope you can think of another word to describe extremely green eyes please.



6. You leave description of Lily a couple of sentences away from the beginning.

That's better than putting the description right away.

If you could leave all of it until you describe her as Severus sees her, it would be even better.



7. Do you want to describe Severus a little more?

His expressions and actions are a great way to describe any person, any character.

However, if you describe Lily's appearance as much as you do, why not Severus as well?



8. If you can avoid semi-colons and perhaps read this piece out loud to see where and how long you pause, you'll find it better to make shorter sentences in some places and leave long ones in others.



8a. Check spelling with a dictionary, or http://www.dictionary.com or http://www.m-w.com . "m-w" is Merrian-Webster's online dictionary. There are a few misspelled words. Just one or two.



9. The dialogue is good, always 'on the money.' You do well with it.



10. The end I just saw is excellent.

It's best in a oneshot to return in some way to the beginning of the story, and you did, in a poignant way.



I hope you work on it a little more and have fun doing so.

You're doing a good job.

A touch more and you're there.

Thanks for a good read.
2016-06-03 03:41:05 UTC
Pretty good. I'm not gonna be like other people and say '' that was bad'', i'm just gonna say dont use WE. Thats it really, its brilliant And using yahoo characters is good and funny but can i be in it? pretty please? anyway 9 and a 1/2 out of 10. =D
starfire4
2010-05-17 10:43:14 UTC
Amazing!Awesome!
justme...
2010-05-16 13:49:01 UTC
its really fun, i just hope that these arent harrys parents? (i only watched one movie and never read the books becuz they are "ungodly" if you know what i meam. so i dont know his parents names.)

but its awesome, and written pretty well.
2010-05-16 12:33:12 UTC
You are really good. I kept trying to find something to critique, but i can't. It's really well written!


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
Loading...