What do you think? Please be honest and tell me about any grammatical errors, also fix them too?

Question

“Chloe, go clean your room” I yell after looking into my little sister’s extremely messy room.

“Later!” She yells back, her face glued to the television screen in front of her.

“Chloe!” I warn her and then hear her pick herself up and shuffle toward me. I squeeze past her in our tiny hallway between rooms. Then I meet up with two others of my sisters, Cadence and Charlotte, in the living room, which at night becomes my room.

“Hey Carly” They greet me in unison without even glancing away from the television. I go to sit on the couch which at night pulls out into my bed and on a commercial, Charlotte finally looks away from the television long enough to join me on the couch.

“Cassie! Come join us!” I called throughout the house and my last sister; Cassie comes into the room to join Charlotte and me on the couch just as Cadence moves to meet us also. The four us squeeze to fit on the couch and when Chloe comes back, finished with her room, she has to lie on top of us making all of us laugh.

“Stop all that noise!” My drunken father yells, walking into the room with a half naked 22 year old walking behind him, and rubbing his shoulders as if he is about to go into a boxing ring. The half naked girl behind me laid against his lap once my father had sat down. She has big curly blonde hair, a pink lace bra, and matching underwear. She is about number 1,000 of my father’s one night stands in the last 13 years.

Answer 1

Hii.

It is really good and you should keep going. The detailing is good, just fix up 'she has big, curly, blonde hair'. It just doesn't sound right. You could try something like 'She has very thick, curly, voluminous, blonde hair. Or maybe, 'She has curly blonde hair, which was a bit messy.' Just some ideas. I also just fixed up the last line "she is about the 1,000 of my fathers one night stands in the last 13 years. Below is a version i copied below and i just fixed up any grammatical errors. I put a () around whatever i added or changed.



“Chloe, go clean your room (,)” I yell after looking into my little sister’s extremely messy room.



“Later!” She yells back, her face glued to the television screen in front of her.



“Chloe!” I warn her and then hear her pick herself up and shuffle toward me. I squeeze past her in our tiny hallway between rooms. Then I meet up with two others of my sisters, Cadence and Charlotte, in the living room, which at night becomes my room.



“Hey Carly” They greet me in unison(,) without even glancing away from the television. I go to sit on the couch(,) which at night pulls out into my bed(,) and on a commercial, Charlotte finally looks away from the television long enough to join me on the couch.



“Cassie! Come join us!” I called throughout the house and my last sister(,) Cassie(,) comes into the room to join Charlotte and me on the couch just as Cadence moves to meet us also. The four (of) us squeeze to fit on the couch and when Chloe comes back, finished with her room, she has to lie on top of us making all of us laugh.



“Stop all that noise!” My drunken father yells, walking into the room with a half naked 22 year old walking behind him, and rubbing his shoulders as if he is about to go into a boxing ring. The half naked girl behind me laid against his lap once my father had sat down. She has big, curly, blonde hair, a pink lace bra, and matching underwear. She is about (the) 1,000(th) one night stand (my father has had) in the last 13 years.

Answer 2

The four us squeeze to fit on the couch and when Chloe comes back

in this sentence u need to put "of" right after the word four





other than that the rest is really good

Answer 3

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