1 year later (my version hp story) what do you think...?

Question

having just finished dinner, the assembled people sat back down for the remembrances, it was exactly a year since they had all fought at hogwarts. they were all here now at the burrow to remember those they had lost. they had 5 minuits silence and respect before harry stood up and said "we all know why we are here, we are here to remember those we lost fighting for everything that is good in the world,and i am sure that none of our lost friends would mind us turning this day around into one of hope for the future. now i will leave it to ron to begin" ron stood and taking hermione's hand said "you know i love you, i have loved you longer than i would admit, even to myself, you once told me i had the emotional range of a teaspoon, well, id like to spend the rest of my life disproving that" taking a ring from his pocket and going down on one knee he said "hermione, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife" hermione by this time choked up with tears could only nod, ron threw his arms
29 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.
Additional Details
16 minutes ago

around her before giving harry a 'your turn' look, harry stood up and took a bewildered ginny's hand in his and said "last year when i saw bellatrix lestrange aim that killing curse at you i knew that if you had died, i would have wanted to die too, i love you more than life itself and i never want to know what my life would be without you" taking a ring out of his pocket and going down on one knee, he said "ginny will you marry me" at this she gave a little screech and flung herself into his arms, kissing any part of him her mouth could reach, when she had calmed down a little bit he asked "was that a yes then" "yes, yes, OH GOD YES" "you won't mind having me in the family will you" harry asked mrs weasly who was already too preoccupied to answer "girls" she said "we have a lot to think about, when, where, 1 double or two singles" the girls who had been talking about this for a while, without a thought whether it would or wouldn't happen looked at each other then at mrs weasly and
14 minutes ago

said in unison "double, here 1 years time.


ok so what do you think? honest answers please, and if you think you can do better

Answer 1

OK, you asked for it...



1) The story hits me like this:

HP: We're gathered for a memorial dinner.

Ron: Marry me, babe!

Hermy: Boo hoo!

HP: Me too!

Ginny: [Can't say what I'm thinking about her reaction. Let's just say that her words are a little...clichéd for another emotion...]

Molly: Enough chit chat, why are you two still on your knees? Get up, we have 2 weddings to plan...



It's all *very* **VERY** rushed.



2) Now, your story makes sense to me, mind - these two couples being married a year after book 7, that is. *HOWEVER*, In the epilogue (19 years later, remember), HP & Ginny's first child was born about 2005

http://www.hp-lexicon.info/wizards/potter.html#children



and Ron & Hermy's no earlier than 2006 (Hugo)

http://www.hp-lexicon.info/wizards/weasley.html



*This* means 6 years of marriage without children - certainly possible, but seems unlikely. Of course, 7 years without children seems *extremely* unlikely to me in any case, you'd think they would have married, at the latest, within two years of DH and begun having their first children in the third year...I think all (except maybe Hermy) would have been very interested in starting a family right away. Ron & Ginny are from a large family, and would think it normal to begin the same, and HP would very badly want at least two children so that one would not be alone as he had been.





So, it mainly needs more "fleshing out". First, we don't need to see the whole memorial dinner (probably VV day), but we should have a little more "memorial" to start out with, at least a paragraph's worth.



Second, HP is in the lead role - the "emcee" as it were. I would expect a more mature member of the Order to be Master of Ceremonies and begin the after dinner speech - perhaps me (Arthur), but maybe McGonagall or even Kingsley. A brief introductory speech of one paragraph by an esteemed older member seems a good way to introduce the story. Then, *they* can pass to HP or Ron (see below).



Third, it seems as if Ron and HP are in cahoots with the proposal thing, yet HP defers to Ron. If "cahoots" is what you intended, HP shouldn't be losing his nerve and passing to Ron. I think it would be more fun if Ron and HP didn't know each other had planned to propose - but it's very reasonable that they *would* have told each other.



The main thing that this story needs, though, is more length.



Finally, I'm not sure that this is better, but here's my "HP & Ginny" story

http://www.life-after-harry-potter.com/fanfiction/proposal/page1.html



Warnings:

a) no adult content

b) Draco appears as a villain *again* (he's been "on the lam", evading a prison sentence in Azkaban for his many serious crimes)

c) HP *does* get around to proposing...well, sort of, at the very end



I would be happy to receive scathing criticism, as it helps me to improve my stories.



Jim

Answer 2

Ignoring the grammatical and spelling errors, the fanfic's nice, cheesy, but nice. But, I like mushy and cheesy, so I like it.



I agree with steph_ it looks a bit rushed (or maybe because of the run-on sentences.) Give more details, like mentioning who else is there. It looked for awhile that there were just the four of them. Maybe you could insert what other people's reactions or facial expressions were while Ron or Harry were delivering their proposals. And Ron's emotional range of a teaspons bit was good. Harry's was so-so. I don't know about the timeline and all regarding the 1-year after. =D

Answer 3

Major grammatical errors!



I couldn't find one full stop at all until the very last sentence!!! and it's rather rushed if you ask me, but if you made it longer and more detailed, then it'd probably be good ... and get someone to proof read it for you!