I'm writing a short story and I want to know if you like this line or if it sounds cheesy....?

Question

Ok. In my story, a familys mother dies, she looks just like the main character, Ellie. Ellie's father cannot get over the death, he becomes pretty much insane. Ellie's mothers name is Lily. Ellie goes to tell her dad that he needs some serious help and she tells him what her actual name is and he says: "Who is Ellie Marie Welch?" And her response is:

"Ellie Marie Welch stands before you, cold, and somewhat alone, my soul was murdered by an unstoppable, and impenetrable force.... Love. Here I stand plainly before you...yet I am not seen."

My friend said that she loved it and she wants me to send her the entire story when I am finished, but I still think it is somewhat cheesy, what do you think?

Answer 1

OMG TAY i luv it. (: (:



i feeel special being in yo story (:



its very deep and i love it.





-Erin <3



and dont worry i didnt take the emo part offensively cuz well i kinda am emo that kinda described me lol



-Erin [Ellie]

Answer 2

Sorry your explanation is a little confusing.

Ellie's mother dies and her father begins to think of Ellie (his daughter) as his wife?



I don't think that bit sounds like something a person would say. Can you imagine a person saying that? I really can't. I can imagine someone writing it possibly in a journal or somesuch.



Even so, the line itself doesn't make much sense. How can you be "somewhat alone" ? Why is she cold? Is that a figurative cold or is she actually physically chilly?

Being murdered by love sounds very poetic, but it's also very cliche and I think you need to be careful in your presentation that you don't get lost in the poetic language and end up with a bunch of empty words.

Answer 3

I don't really know how to react to it seeing as I don't have anything to work off of, to make that statement so profound. I mean, I love the line, and I understand why she says that, but it seems a little dramatic compared to the little bit of information you gave us, when you told us that her father asked, "who is Ellie Marie Welch?"



It's a great idea, and I love love love the plot. The line doesn't sound too cheesy, just dramatic and very bold. Maybe if I understood the situation a little better I could offer you what you're looking for.

Answer 4

Ok #1 I read only the first part and I'm totally not confused! That was beautiful! I wouldn't mind reading the rest of it myself! (oh and for the record, I CARRY TPB IN MY PURSE TOO! Both the book, movie, my personal fan fiction, and screen shots! and it's even the background on my phone, and a main theme in my blog! If you EVER want to talk for hours about TPB I'd love too, I'm totally obsessed!! I know all the trivia, I even wrote "Revenge:The Life and Times of Inigo Montoya" For goodness sake!! ^.^)

Answer 5

I think that this line is very profound and very well written, and that your story sounds very good.



A couple things I would consider:

Does the seriousness of the line fit with the overall tone of the story?

Does the line fit the education level, background, and speech patterns of the character?

Does the line fit the section that it is in?

Answer 6

I really believe that the story line is great. If the story is set around modern tmes, it may be a little bit too strong or dramatic, but if it is set around a setting like one of those american girl one's it will be perfect. (probably the 1700's or 1870, something like that.) And you could say that happened from a desiese (sp? I was never good at speeling that word) or from giving birth. I hope that I helped!

Answer 7

Maybe give in more context? It seems rather calculated and not very free flowing, not really the way someone would talk, not sure if that was intended



I think it's good though

Answer 8

I think it's good. Seems like a very strange response to that question, but maybe if you read the whole story it makes sense.

Answer 9

"Ellie Marie Welch stands before you, cold, and somewhat alone, my soul was murdered by an unstoppable, and impenetrable force.... Love. Here I stand plainly before you...yet I am not seen."





I love it.



Well done ;)

Answer 10

I think that is an amazing line. It has depth and the cheesyness adds to how heart felt it is. very mature. Keeping going!

Answer 11

it's kind of random,

but I LOVE the line. I'd delete it offa here before someone takes it.

i won't, but someone else might. but i think it should be more of the wind whispering it in his ear, like a hallucination with a flashback or something.

Answer 12

i'd change somewhat alone to alone



it's trivial words like "somewhat" that can really mess stuff up



i can see why you think it's cheesy, but god knows cheesiness has never stopped anyone. it's still well-written. i'd keep at the story and just see if you want to change it when you're done.

Answer 13

It's somewhat cheesy, but i think it's really good no matter what (I think it's cheesy because i'm reading Twilight too much, nothing compares to how good it is).

Answer 14

I think its great. You should write a lot more!

Answer 15

I'm confused. Why did she say that?