literary agent query letter?

Question

i have been writing a query fro my novel and i wanted feedback on it - this is it so far -

I would like to introduce you to my first novel entitled, 404 Memory Not Found.
404 Memory Not Found is about two ordinary people who form a cyber relationship over the internet, the novel explores their love story which features a twist that changes everything they thought they had between themselves.
In this day and age, readers aren’t too interested in typical love stories as they once were. 404 Memory Not Found is different as it isn’t like the typical love story, it takes upon a certain theme that will have the reader drawn to it and anxious to read on to uncover the twist it holds.
Many great love stories such as Romeo And Juliet or Dear John feature a grand twist in their tale about two lovers who are supposedly meant to be together.
404 Memory Not Found, is an affectionate love story about a young man named Ben on a quest to find who he believes is the girl he is destined to be with but he soon discovers fate has other plans for him as this girl isn’t who he thought she was.
This novel exposes the true heartache that love can bring, however along with pain it all exposes the elegance and grace it brings to two people who find comfort in each other. It does this in many unique and different ways as the two characters first express their feelings for each other through an online relationship but tragedy strikes and this is when the reader realises 404 memory not found isn’t like any ordinary love story.
It is a story of one man’s passion, determination and commitment to the person he believes is his soul mate.
I am currently in my final 2 years of secondary/high school and I am studying English Literature and Language. I am doing this in order to get a better understanding of the subject and therefore I could become an even better writer in the future.
As a very young writer in England, I am looking for an agent based in London. Your agency looks very authentic and a great place to begin my career and it would be an honor to work with you on my very first novel.
With me being of a very young age and all, it is completely understandable if I am not taken seriously enough but I would like for you to know I have dedicated many thoughts and ideas towards my work and I sincerely believe it has the potential to succeed in this industry.

(In this section i would go on to leave a brief synopsis of the novel and a p.s. stating that i could send the first 3 chapters upon request)

sincerely
my name

Answer 1

You still haven't started the synopsis? Scrap everything you've written. Seriously, scrap it all. Delete it from your computer for good and never look back at it.



In a query letter, you start off with your greeting, then give a two or three paragraph summary of your novel. Then, you mention the wordcount. When you mention the name of the title of your novel in a query letter, you either capitilize all letters, or italicize. Then, if you have any credits, list those. Do not add a biography of yourself, or about why you wrote the novel. The query letter needs to be one page--front only. And you need to know the name of the specific agent or editor you're sending to--not just the house name.



That's all you need to include in your query letter. Nothing like you've written so far. Like I said, scrap it, burn it, delete it, whatever. Just do it.



Check out Miss Snark's blog for more help on query letters: http://misssnark.blogspot.com/

Answer 2

I don't see how the Romeo and Juliet and Dear John reference has a relationship with your book at this point. Why don't you say what sort of fans will appreciate your book?

"Who he believes is the girl he is destined to be with..." is a bit rambling and unnecessary. Just shorten to "the girl he is destined to be with".

"Unique and different" is also redundant, just choose one.

I think "the two characters" would be better as just "the two"

I think "when this becomes unlike any ordinary love story" would sound a lot more dramatic than that "when the reader realizes..." bit.

I think all this "believes" stuff is too mysterious and vague for a query letter, I'd cut it and be more matter of fact, saying "to his soul mate".

Honey, don't talk about yourself. This is supposed to be a query letter.

Don't express your desire for them. The desire is mutual and implied since you are querying them in the first place and they are already interested in your type of novel, it doesn't need to be acknowledged.

Have more positivity. Don't make excuses or sound drained and depressed that you won't get picked. If you're worried about being too young, show them that that doesn't matter by sounding wise and hopeful and professional. Age is irrelevant, they don't need to know you're young, they won't tremble with anticipation at the thought, nor will they be angry that you've misrepresented yourself, if you can call it that since this isn't an eHarmony bio. Don't keep an air of mystery about yourself either.

I think you should talk more about the plot, a lot more. Cut all the stuff about yourself.

I think it could benefit from some realistic claims, describe your novel using adjectives, though not "epic" or "life-changing" because they are old.

Of course you think that your book has potential, so this testimony means nothing. Don't make any rude demands but try to find a way to assert yourself more, professionally.

And unless the agency specifies otherwise, you SHOULD include sample pages with the query anyway, not as an email attachment though because they will likely not open it.



Anyway, sorry there is so much, this really wasn't abysmal or anything I just wanted to be thorough. You do come off wisely and tactfully, it just needs a bit of tidying :)

Answer 3

I just read the first few lines and it was repetitive and sorry, but poorly written which will not win you any points - You end the first sentence w/the title and then begin the next sentence w/the title - where else would a cyber relationship be if not over the internet? A twist that changes everything - well, what else would a twist do?



In this day and age - [ so you are going to tell them what people are not interested in? - they know. And that is not your job to tell them theirs. ]



I am sorry to be a little harsh but I can find things to edit out of nearly every sentence - agents are looking for all stars and they get flooded w/requests - they are not looking for someone to help hone their skills - if your writing is good, near perfectly written, your age won't matter - "being of a young age and all" - take out the "and all" - but I am sure they will be impressed that YOU think they are authentic -



*** just a note - you need a serious editing of your own work but if any agent offers to edit for a fee - it is a scam - if your writing looks anything like this letter, it needs a lot of work - sorry, but honestly, it is extremely difficult for even extremely well written work to get published these days -

Answer 4

an honor to work with you on my very first novel.



-- Telling an agent that this is your very first novel screams that you're an amateur. They're not looking for amateur writers. They're looking for seasons writers who can write publishable materials. Leave this out unless you want to bias the agent against you. This whole paragraph is a suck up to the agent. It's already assumed that you want them to represent you and that you think they're a great agency and that maybe, just maybe you'd be honored to work with them. Else, why would you submit to them? This paragraph is a waste of words and I'd delete it.





With me being of a very young age and all, it is completely understandable if I am not taken seriously enough



-- Don't insult and agent by telling them that they're turning you down because of your age rather than because of your manuscript. They're not stupid. They've been in this business for years and many have been agenting for decades. They know a good manuscript when they see it and if they turn you down then it wont' be because of your age but because of your novel. I'd also delete this paragraph.



Look, this is a poorly written mess. It's an auto rejection. You don't have to listen to what I say because I don't care; This isn't my novel, this is YOUR novel, and you're the one who's going to get rejected. I've read your work and you do have a good grasp of grammar, so I'm going to assume that this is a rough draft and not the completed, polished version. Either way, aside from the bad grammar, it's a poorly written query that will get you a rejection.



Firstly, it's boring. The number one rule to get an agent to read your manuscript is to ENTICE them to read it. What's interesting in this query? From an objective point-of-view (as a writer, you're not objective) nothing is interesting. You waste time about what the reader wants and how the reader will feel and what's on the market and how other books don't cover XYZ in romance. Yet, you don't SHOW how your work is different. Secondly, you do nothign but TELL the agent how everyone will feel about your work. Unless you're psychic, I'm not sure how you can gaze into the minds of millions of romance readers. This is my opinion. You're young, your ego about your work is getting in the way of writing a good, objective query letter, and you're making common newbie writer mistakes. Agents aren't looking for newbie writers.



Take the time to put your ego in check and learn how to write a proper query letter. there's all kinds of information online. A query should: tell who your character is, what s/he wants, what happens if she fails. What are the stakes?



And, I've read the sample of your writing for this novel. My advice is to keep practicing and honing your writing. It takes years of practice and lots of reading before you write something publishable.