i want to know if this is a good beginning to a story?

Question

''ok so we have to board the next train in 3 minutes'', said ed looking down at his pocket watch and slipping it back in his pocket.''i can't wait until we see winry, and give her her gift''squealed al.''oh it's not that exiting it's only a few stupid auto-male tools.she said she's been needing some more because the last one she threw at be skull broke!''wined ed.''well im sure she didn't do it on purpose brother! al exclaimed.''she only threw it at my head as hard as she could al it musta been on accident because it only left a huge gash in my head!'' said ed sarcastically.''well your head is pretty hallow so it coulda been worse.anyway i hear the train coming so lets go wait over there''.said al pointing next to the railroad tracks.

so ed and al board the train and take there seats and as the train startes to take off ed gazes through the window and subconsciously thinks ''i wonder if winry is gonna like her gift, because she is an auto-male fanatic''well it is pretty funny thinking about the times where she nearly gives be a concussion 'ed thinks laughing to himself.''slowly ed dozes off thinking about winry.''.............................''ED! HEY ED WAKE UP''! yells a girls voice.a very beautiful sounding girls voice.ed slowly opens his eyes and finds winry staring right at him with her big blue eyes and a smile on her face.when ed takes the time to adjust to who he's looking at he realizes it's winry and notices something he's never noticed before about her apperence.''she's very cute when you look at her closely i guess i never took the time to really notice that about her''considers ed. but just the thought of it made him blush.''well what are you just sitting around for we gotta get going before the train takes off'' says winry.and pulls ed off his feet and leads him to the exit.they all slowly walk home with winry yacking away and ed saying nothing at all.''hey ed are you ok?''spouts out winry.i haven't seen you in a while i thought you would be more excited to see me''.oh no! im fine just a little tired thats all.(thats a big lie he's really thinking about winry!) ''so ed if you wanna play it that way.....'' says winry yanking off als head.hey wait a minute says al thats my...SMACK! right in ed's forehead. ''OWWWW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!'' screams ed.that was for not paying attention to me when i came all the way down here just to see you guys.''grunts winry.WELL COULDN'T YOU OF USED A WRENCH OR SOMETHING INSTEAD OF AL'S BIG METAL HEAD! ''well sorry it was the closest thing i has to a wrench'' snarels winry and falls on her stomach laughing her head off.we wait for a few minutes until she's done being an idiot so she gets up and we continue to walk.when we get to her house before she opens the door ed says"oh! i almost forgot here's a gift" and hands it to winry."cool thanks"she says, and we all walk in the door.

so basically this is something my friend wrote and she needed some advise on if it's good she's 12 :D i thought it was good because it was fma brotherhood and it was written well so tell me what you guys thinks please

Answer 1

Well it won't bring down the readers IQ points but its not very good. Like others have stated, Grammar problems are all over this.



How old are you? Because this kind of writing is what younger kids and teens would write like.

Answer 2

I'm sorry, I don't think it's very good at all. There needs to be more description of the people, places, and outline of the story. I wasn't really sure what was going on and I didn't know why the girl was hitting Ed or whoever. The story might make more sense if the spelling, grammar, and punctuation were better.

Answer 3

Honestly, I didn't think it was very good. There were a lot of spelling, puncuation, grammar errors and Lack of detail. I had no idea what was going on and who were the characters but then again, I didn't bothered to finish the whole piece.

Answer 4

Refine it. Paragraph by paragraph, phrase by phrase, word by word. Then refine it again. Add some descriptive words. You see the story in your head, because you created it. Your interest, is then, allowing the audience to see, what you want her to see. She can only see as clearly as you speak, while telling the story. Who is your audience? You must imagine who your main audience will be, then cater to them. Give them the things that you would want, and what would surprise you and keep you reading. If you will be verbally reading this book, practice your delivery daily. In the mirror, record it on video. Those are just tips to improve. I would also suggest praying to God, in the name of Jesus Christ, about it.

Answer 5

Terrible grammar... there are too many errors in grammar, punctuation, capitalisation, and subject-verb agreement.



And the writing is just.... bad. I'm also twelve, and I've seen very bad writing, but this is unexplainable - nothing makes sense.

Answer 6

Besides the obvious punctuation flaws, spelling errors, and lack of detail, it isn't bad. I don't read Fma Fanfiction (Sticking to Naruto mainly) but it still needs work. Tell your friend to keep it up!