What do you think of my writing.....any suggestions?

Question

I wrote about a paragraph out of my fantasy story that I plan on writing for fun soon.Here it is.....


Karen Numasse proceeded cautiously down the dark, rather frightening, hallway that seemed to go on for an eternity. She would never have guessed that this was part of the same structure as the glorious Temple of the Light. Even the lower quarters of the white robes laid several stories above her. The stone floor was damp for some reason and Karen shivered as her foot stomped on something that squished under her weight, then shivered again simply because of the cold. She refrained from looking down at whatever it was she had trodden over, partly because of her fear that it may be yet another deceased rat and partly because she knew it would not have done any good. The corridors of the floors several stories beneath the ground level of the temple were very badly lit, and there were large gaps of darkness between the pools of light that surrounded the lanterns hanging on the walls. The servants often tried to skip their duties when they were ordered to light the lanterns this low in the temple as it was usually useless. Karen stared at every dwindling flame on every lantern that she passed fearing that it may go out any second. She could use Cal’Aldazar to light the hallway easily, but keeping the hallway lit for long would begin to drain her energy slowly, and the Father knew she needed all the energy that she could muster for this task. She scowled and gripped the note she clutched in her hand tighter as she stepped in yet another puddle, causing the hem of her dress to become even damper than before. Father of Light! She could have wept! No, she would not let her guard down; she needed every ounce of concentration she possessed to do this. Grinning slightly with relief as she entered a pool of light, she lifted up the letter that had brought her down here. Unfolding it and carefully smoothing it out, Karen read it yet again…..

excluding the parts that you have to have read the rest of the story to understand,was it interesting?What did you think of it?Any suggestions on how to make it better?Any input would be greatly appreciated

Answer 1

take a course in writing.

then remember: less is more

Answer 2

Its excellent though a bit dull. You need people talking to one another, or in other words, a dialogue. Overall keep up the good work! 8/10.

Answer 3

I liked it a lot! It sounds like a really cool story. all you need to do is fix your grammar in some places, and also, it kind of sounds like you used a thesaurus to be more descriptive. there's nothing wrong with that, but be careful because it's almost overdone. other than that it's awesome!