Critique my 1st Chapter please?

Question

Read until you get tired YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE THING. This is the beginning of Chapter 1: The Encounter. Be brutally honest. If anyone is wondering, I'm 15.

Beep! The scoreboard sounds my victory. I take off my helmet and I feel my hair falling down to my shoulders, vivid against my white uniform. It sticks to the nape of my neck. Trying to shake my hair away, I walk over and shake hands with my opponent.

“Good game,” I cry sincerely, over the whoops.

“You too,” he says, looking slightly dejected but trying hard for good sport. I smile at him as my team mates surge forward, congratulating me.

“Thanks guys, but I really need to wash off,” I protest.

“Good job, Gem!” A couple of my teammates say, clapping me on the back. Smiling, I walk on in pursuit of the locker rooms. Once I step inside the smell of sweat, deodorant, and hairspray hits me; a disgusting yet soothing fragrance. Walking over to my locker, I begin stripping quickly out of my padding and put away my epee.

My muscles tighten as I tiredly step into the shower, perspiration clinging to every part of me. I stand still as the hot water massages my body, easing my aching muscles. Opening the bottle of shower gel, I quickly wash away the sweat plastered on my body, while the citrus burst of aroma slightly wakes me.

Stepping out of the shower, I dry myself quickly. Putting on a pair black cords and a yellow save the earth t-shirt, I pull up my hair in messy bun and grab my fencing eco-friendly bag. I walk up to my instructors and thank them for a great season. A couple of my lingering teammates say good bye as I walk out the door.

The summer sun gently warms my back. That was a good game I think to myself. Smiling I begin to walk home. Now that fencing is over for the season I wonder what I will do for the rest of the summer. I am supposed to help at the community garden I remember and I always plant a tree every summer. Maybe I could go and visit the animal shelter that’s taking in animals found from the oil spill. You think now that its 2010 people would stop being inconsiderate and spilling oil in the sea, the poor animals, and all that pollution, it’s disgusting. I’m all into saving the environment stopping global warming and that kind of stuff, but it’s so hard when the whole world doesn’t cooperate. I’m thinking about other ways to be green this summer when a group of birds fly away chirping, while I look over at the birds a sudden loud crash shatters the peaceful silence of the street. A weird whizzing sound follows.

What on earth? I think, and run nimbly towards the sound. My bag bangs against my legs as I run so I walk slower and stop suddenly at a sound I recognize. My breath quickens in anticipation- it’s the sound of fencing. I turn the corner and freeze at the strange scene. There is a broken vehicle in the middle of the road that looks like it had a crash landing. There are also a group of people. Three guys, one gangly guy, with hair a golden brown. Another one has a big strong build and blond hair, and the other one looks pretty average with a shock of black hair. There are also two girls, one really tall with brown locks down to her waist and the other about the same size as the gangly boy with the same shade of golden brown hair.

They are all wearing blue, but that wasn’t the weird part. They were all holding weapons. The gangly boy is holding bow and arrows. The guy with the black hair is holding a sword; the blond guy is holding a sword as well. The girl with the long hair was holding a pair of Bagua Iron fans, and the other girl was holding a pair of knives.

I cry out in surprise. Damn it I think but it’s too late they heard me and they all turn around with bewildered faces. Something whistles by my face missing my cheek by centimeters. It’s an arrow. I back up against the building behind me, shrouding myself in shadow, my breath quickens in alarm.
“What are you guys doing?” I cry, trying for brave, but my voice sounded and octave higher. They walk towards me, and I freeze in fear. I’m screaming at myself to move when finally my fencing instinct comes in and I pull out my epee from my bag. The blond haired guy, appears to be the leader of the group, jumps forward with a thrust from his sword. His sword is wide and looks heavy, the hilt is engraved with writing and there is a sapphire embedded to the end of the hilt as well. My thin epee was no match for it.

I block his thrust and put in a thrust of my own. We start to plunge back and forth getting a feel of each other’s skills. He is a really good swordsman, I think to myself. A nice opponent if it were under different circumstances. I try my luck and plunge my epee to disarm him, but since my epee is just a fencing weapon the top half of it breaks off. Taking advantage of my confusion and sorrow he jumps forward with a roar and easily disarms me.

I freeze in shock; no one is ever able to beat me in fencing, than ag

Answer 1

I think that for a first chapter there is too little information establish about the narrator and situation for the reader to care about them, thus making it strange to read. the narrator should be established at the beginning in more ways than just being a fencing person.

also it is lacking in dialogue, interesting action, and mood. however, the descriptions are pretty good.



this just doesn't feel like a first chapter to me, it seems kind of random and underdeveloped; the writing isn't bad it just needs work.



hope this helps!

Answer 2

It's really good except for the part about the oil spill. Unless your gonna get the book published in the next couple months, I'd take it out.

Answer 3

you're able to restore grammar. it is incredibly in no way exciting even nonetheless strange issues are going on. You tell way too plenty you should assessment to teach. You did not incredibly describe something aside from exclaiming her hair became blonde. i don't probable see it going everywhere nor do i prefer to confirm it pass everywhere. So in this fantasy form e book at this factor there isn't plenty you're able to do to make it stand out different than once you're making the girl a deranged ninety 365 days previous lady who has venture letting pass of her ex-dragon/wolf/witch/wizard years in the past she became like banished from the appropriate kingdom of blondie land abode of dragon/wolf/witch/wizards.

Answer 4

i really like it as an opening, and the paragraphs are all a good length and in balance. i love that she does fencing!