Feedback for my short, short story?

Question

I went to Erin Morgenstern's blog (author of The Night Circus) and heard about these short, short stories that she writes called Flax-Golden Tales. (They are basically short 10-sentence stories, which she writes based on a picture.)

What do you think of mine?

"Come on," I say, knocking gently on the pumpkin's lumpy skin, "Come on out, I won't hurt you."

Nothing. The pumpkin remains the same, creases on its skin like tiny rivers, lumps in between them like little boulders. A beeswax candle flickers nearby, the scent warm and familiar.

I grasp the stem of the pumpkin with both hand, and grunting, hoist it up. It feels uncomfortably gnarled and twisted beneath my firm grip. I lower it onto the gentle fire; it licks the waxy skin for a moment's breath, and then...

CROKA, comes a noise, and I am not holding a pumpkin anymore, but the leg of a orange, lumpy toad. It struggles in my grip, and I release it.

"Hallow's Day is over," I tell it, "you're free to go."

It looks at me curiously with bulging glass eyes, then shakes the orange paint off of itself and hops away.

Answer 1

Interesting. It's very good, and I like the idea of a ten sentence story. The descriptions are exceptional and the story itself is excellent.



Really want to challenge yourself? Ernest Hemingway (author of Old Man and the Sea, et cetera) once wrote a SIX WORD STORY!



His six word story: "FOR SALE: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."

Kind of cool, isn't it?



Now try one of those. It's easy to start by choosing "My life story" as a topic. I've written a couple, and they're pretty bad, but they're also a lot of fun.

Answer 2

ha. Very nice! Too many descriptive words in the third paragraph, second sentence. eliminate "firm." But really great story.

Answer 3

"gentle fire"? "croka"? "orange paint"?

Answer 4

That's honestly awesome. I never would have thought of that.