Is this a good beginning for my story? HELP!?

Question

I am writing a story about a police officer named Evan Michaels who is trying to solve the murder of a sixteen year old boy Nate Crawford, the son of a wealthy businessman, while at the same time trying to find justice for his seven year old son Matthew's death. The story contains newspaper articles, phone calls between the suspected killer of Nate and a susposed hit-man( a truck driver
named Bud Holiday and an illegal immagrant Jose Cortez), and emails Evan has been recieving from an unknown source about Matthew's death as well as the regular story. Here is what I have so far. Tell me if you like the plot, the beginning, and please suggest a title for the story.

Chapter One

“What do you got?” “Nathaniel Jeffery Crawford, sixteen years old. Found him in a ditch, eighteen stab wounds to the chest and strangulation” I said. “Oh god, do they have any leads?” “No, so far we have one witness, a truck driver who goes by the name of Bud Holiday. Jack is interviewing him right now.” In all my eighteen years of police work, I had never seen such a gruseom crime as this. “Apparently he had just moved here from Deleware. His dad was the head of Crawford and Co., the major car manufacturer, they were an incredibly wealthy family.” “Hm... do you think the dad had anything to do with it?” “Nah, there is nothing that links the dad to the murder.” Heather paused for a moment and I suspected what she was going to say, “Officer Michaels, I’m not so sure I find you fit enough to handle this case at the moment.” “Heather, I’m fine. I can do this.” “Evan, please. You need to take some time to rest and grieve on your own.” “It’s been two months, I’ve already grieved more than I can take.” “Are you sure? It’s okay Evan if you want to take some time off.” “No, I have to support Cynthia and Gabby, we still have funeral bills to pay and-” I suddenly felt myself crying and I didn’t know why, I hated this, I wanted the crying and the grieving to stop. Heather stood up and patted me on the back. “I just... I don’t know what to do.” “I know, I know” she replied in a calming voice. “Here, solve this boy’s murder for Matthew. You can provide the closer for one family like your son never had, help them out Evan.”

Answer 1

I'm not even going to read it. It's a huge block of text and you need to break it up. There is WAY too much dialogue. And may I shout to the heavens: BLATANT EXPOSITION, LAYING OUT THE STORY FOR US!



Show don't tell. Rework it completely. Actually, maybe only a bit, and show us more of the main characters. Have this begin after 10-30 pages.

Answer 2

Well, first of all I really like the summary you gave. I especially like haw you have sub-plots that support the main plot, this make the story much more interesting to read. So kudos to you. I would also like to point out that this is a very good way to begin the story. It's very important to start with a hook that will grab your reader, and by starting with a murder...it's already interesting :)



But I do have a few critiques. The main one being your format. I know all the other answerers have mentioned this but I feel that it deserves repeating. You need to start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. This means you have to hit ENTER and indent at the beginning. For example, the beginning should look like this: (---- this means indent)



----"What do you got?”

----“Nathaniel Jeffery Crawford, sixteen years old. Found him in a ditch, eighteen stab wounds to the chest and strangulation” I said.

----“Oh god, do they have any leads?”

----“No, so far we have one witness, a truck driver who goes by the name of Bud Holiday. Jack is interviewing him right now.”



This makes it easier for the reader to comprehend, and it also looks less intimidating than a massive block of flat text ;)





Also, I think that your plot idea is very strong, it's obvious that you've thought this out. But your story will flop unless you add more depth, you need to make your readers know the characters, and care for them. Try adding more description and emotion to the writing. Here's some ideas:



----"What do you got?” The secretary (or whatever her job title is) asked, a little bit reluctantly, I knew she hated hearing about all the gruesome sob-stories.

----“His name's Nathaniel Jeffery Crawford, sixteen years old. We found him in a ditch, eighteen stab wounds to the chest and strangulation” I told her, looking down at my hands. I didn't want her to see how upset this case was making me, but it was reminding me of the incident with my son, and I couldn't help the tears that stung behind my eyes.

----She sucked in a shocked breath, “Oh god, do they have any leads?”

----“No," I replied bluntly, trying to keep my voice from wavering, "So far we have one witness, a truck driver who goes by the name of Bud Holiday. Jack is interviewing him right now.”



You don't have to like my revisions, they're just a basis, so you know what I'm talking about when I say try to add more description and emotion.



Great job so for,, you're off to a good start. E-mail me if you want some more editing, the link is on my profile. :)



EDIT--Oh right, sorry I forgot titles. Here are some suggestions:



Closure

Mystery in (location)

No Leads

Dead End (a bit cliche, sorry)

Not a Clue

Aftereffects



Or try taking a important phrase from the text and incorporating it into the title. Good luck in the future.

Answer 3

I really like the idea, reminds me a little bit of Law & Order mixed in with some CSI. I think (and this is just my opinion here). The boy that was killed really isn't Nate Crawford instead the killer mistaked him for the boy and Nate get's kidnapped by the killer. You can also have Nate go on live TV and he can do this whole speech about what has happened to him and how long he has to live. . . Again I'm just saying this is my opinion, your story is already great enough!



As for a title how about:



Time Bomb

Murder Trials

The Trial of Nate Crawford



That's all I could think of.



Return the favor?





https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20100710123214AAgbK08

Answer 4

Didn't read it because your format is iffy. You have to create a new line whenever you switch dialogue.

I would suggest being more descriptive and also add more emotion to the dialogue.



As for the plot... instead of Nate being murdered, how about he is kidnapped. There could be more action that way and besides, you want to give the reader something to look forward to. Evan's son's already dead so you got that hunt for justice already, plus kidnapping would allow for more tension and climax. Will he be found in time? Who has him? Is he already dead? There are so many more questions than if he were known to be dead.



Good luck

Answer 5

Unlike the other comments, i actually liked it, except for the unbroken text. That's all i'd say, to make it easier to read. But it was very good.

Answer 6

yes its amazing <3 i want to read on XD xgood luck hope you get published x