Question:
Am I Good Writer? Please Help!?
2011-02-23 00:30:02 UTC
I've posted this before, but I deleted it by accident. Here's an extract of my story, honest feedback please. I'm 13 years old.
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1
There are things that I will miss about our damp flat in Glasgow.
I'll miss when the electricity went off and we had to huddle together on the sofa, shivering under a moth-eaten blanket that Dad tugged out of the hall cupboard. I'll miss my cosy pink bedroom, with the squeaky floorboards and the window looking out onto Clyde Park. I'll miss the smell of sweet scented candles, apple and blueberry and orange and cherry. I'll miss winter, when me and Dad sipped lukewarm hot chocolate speckled with fluffy pink marshmallows, and talked and talked and talked. I'd moan about Amy McWinter and Miss Elberry and homework and tests. Dad would moan about the rent and the landlord and the envelopes that were pushed through the letterbox every morning, filled with rows of black printed numbers.
There are also a lot of things that I won't miss.
Like the batty old man who lived downstairs, and always used to bang on our door and shout that we were playing music too loudly, at 2 o' clock in the morning when we were fast asleep. I won't miss Clyde High School... or Amy McWinter.
Every class has a popular girl, right? Well Amy was probably the most popular person in the whole school. Even the teachers simpered over her. She had glossy blonde hair, with a neatly trimmed block fringe. The kind I'd always wanted to have, shiny and neat. She was effortlessly pretty, with big blue eyes and long eyelashes and pale white skin. She never got a spot or a pimple or any blemish at all. Amy McWinter reminded me of a perfect Barbie doll.
She wasn't pretty inside, though. She was horrid horrid horrid.
I didn't get good marks, simply because of her. I was at the very bottom of the class. She prodded her sharp plastic ruler right into my back, she'd kick my chair so I couldn't concentrate, she'd mumble cruel words into my back. She'd pick on me in the playground too, laughing at my shoes, my bag, my second-hand school uniform, my haircut.
That's why I pushed her.
Amy was saying stuff about my mum. Horrible stuff, that made my cheeks burn and my eyes prickle with tears. She was standing at the top of the staircase, the big one that spiralled round and round and round, like one of those big green slides you get a fairground.
'No wonder she killed herself,' Amy hissed, her eyes shining. 'Having you for a daughter.'
'She didn't kill herself,' I said uncertainly, not quite believing it
myself. 'She left. She ran away. She'll still alive somewhere, probably living it up in a fabulous lifestyle as an actress, with a great big mansion
and...'
'We all know you're a little liar,' Amy snorted. 'A mansion! Yeah, right. If she's alive, which I doubt, she's probably sleeping in a doorway somewhere, begging for spare change.'
'She was a writer,' I lied, having one last attempt. 'So she'll probably be in a caravan, somewhere, because she told me she has to travel a lot. A really nice one, with a double bedroom and a bathroom and a living room and a...'
'Double bedroom?' Amy demanded. 'Why would she need that? It isn't like she's asked you to stay with her, sleep for a night. Is it?'
'She doesn't know our address. We've moved heaps and heaps of times. We've travelled all around the world, in fact,' I said lightly, shrugging slightly. 'She probably thinks about me every day, longs to see me, but can't because she...'
'That's rubbish,' Amy suddenly cries, taking a step towards me. I flinched, even though I knew she wouldn't actually physically hurt me. I could beat her in a fight, easy. I was small and skinny but I certainly knew how to punch and kick.
Amy continued, her words sharper than any hit she could give me. 'You live in that minging council flat, near the Kiosk, with mould on the windows and those big leafy vines climbing up the bricks. You've lived there since you were a baby, since she left. Of course she knows your address! She just can't be bothered. Doesn't want you, obviously. But who would? Not me, not anyone. Especially not her...'
It was then when I lost it.
She was on the top staircase, her fingers resting loosely on the banister. It only took one sharp push to get her flying down the stairs, shrieking and screaming, landing with a bump on the polished marble floor.
I looked down at her, sprawled across the floor, missing one Rocket Dog pump, her golden hair webbed across her face. One hand was outstretched, her fingers clenched into a fist. I waited for her to get up, to yell, to get me in trouble. But she didn't. She remained still, her face pale, her eyes closed, as if she was in a peaceful sleep.
I screamed.

--
THIS
Eight answers:
DonBambiiGirl
2011-02-23 02:48:10 UTC
wow, for 13 this is pretty dam good. I couldn't write like this at 13.



Anyway, onto the feedback. I agree with Shadow and Britt. There are a few grammar errors and I think (like me! lol) that you like to over use commas. Don't worry about it though. Just re-read what you've got and i'm sure you'll pick up when to take away a few commas. Just read it out loud and you'll see them =)

Also, the beginning seems to go for a bit too long? It doesn't really add a whole heap to the story. Maybe you could shorten it down and what you don't use, add in to the next scene or something.



I gotta say, I hate that Amy McWinter girl. She's so mean >< !! Oh and speaking of, skimming back over this I don't remember the Main Character's name being mentioned. Or maybe I just didn't skim hard enough lol



My last little thing I gotta say is get rid of the I screamed bit, or add a bit more into it.

She remained still, her face pale, her eyes closed, as if she was in a peaceful sleep. I couldn't help the scream that forced its way out.



Hmm, that was longer than what I thought it would be haha. But don't think that this is bad at all. I really liked it. Keep up the awesome work =)
2011-02-23 08:58:22 UTC
It's pretty good, just a few suggestions

1. The first part can be shortened. The piece is about Amy, and you should get to her a bit sooner. I would take out the batty old man bit for starters. And the scented candles. You could smell those anywhere.

2. What school in Glasgow has marble floors? Quite ritzy!

3. I would take out 'I screamed' at the end, but that's just me.



Otherwise very nice
Shadow Lor
2011-02-23 08:36:32 UTC
There are a few technical and grammatical things that need to be fixed, but other than that I'm quite taken with the story ^_^ I enjoy the voice and life you've given your main character and the attention to detail. Very well done! Especially for your age



9/10
Fizzdude
2011-02-25 03:44:34 UTC
Very good, I think the dialog is a little confusing. There are things brought up in the dialog that are kind of out of place.
2011-02-23 09:01:25 UTC
I've 14 and ever since I started writing 2 years ago, I've been trying to get as good as you have. I love it, especially for your age! I love it, it hooks me in so much.



Keep writing, you have a wonderful gift. :)
Angelchic
2011-02-23 10:24:42 UTC
It is realllllllyyyyyy good! I want to read more of it. :-)













Please, email me the rest of your story too, aaron.teresa@yahoo.com. I love a good read. By the way, if you do not feel comfortable emailing me your story you do not have to send it.
Joseph
2011-02-23 08:40:36 UTC
Wow! I want to read more!
?
2011-02-23 09:59:58 UTC
OMG THIS IS SO GOOD, YOUR SO TALENTED!! PLEASE SEND ME MORE TO MY YAHOO ACCOUNT WHICH IS: tinasalvatore71@yahoo.com :)


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