What do you think of my descriptive writing?

Question

Im 15, so im in the middle of my gcse time. And as part of my english anthology , i am to write a descriptive piece about anything we want. what do you think so far then, any ideas and suggestions will be appreciated also......

As I watch, the waves from the shore look fun and almost innocent as they crest and then crash over one another. I can taste the salt in they air and watch little rainbows glisten through the prisms of the ocean’s spray. The warm ocean water toward the shore is covered with foam and bubbles from the rumbling waves as children and their families play in the gritty tan colored sand. I think to myself, “This is perfect”.

I make the final preparations on my Yamaha Waverunner. All of the fluid levels check full and there is a faint smell of gasoline mixed with the aromas of salt and fish in the air. I am now ready to brave and jump the mighty ocean waves of South Padre Island!

Before the truck backs the trailer into the warm waters at the dock and lowers the Waverunner into the blue-green abyss, I crank the engine for a final systems check. It roars powerfully, drowning out the sound of the birds circling overhead, as thick black and gray smoke initially pours from the exhaust and then slowly drifts away on the wind’s light breeze. I turn the impressive machine off to finish my final preparations.

As I put on the Jet Pilot lifejacket and tighten the thick blue straps, I remind myself to stay calm and not to make stupid or impulsive decisions during my journey into the ocean. It is easy to push oneself to the limits and lose track of reality. I must remember to respect Mother Nature at all times and keep in mind that I am not invincible.

I climb aboard the Waverunner and grab hold of the handbars, warm from the bright sun. Now the truck begins to back up, gently lowering me on this powerful machine into the calm waters of the docking area. As I drift from the trailer, I take a moment to look around and enjoy the peaceful serenity of the smooth, almost glass-like, water.

As I push the start button and the Waverunner roars to life, the power vibrates my seat at first and then settles into a soft rumble. I navigate my way through the docks until I am in the channel. I can now press the throttle and hang on for a fun ride! While the waves through the exit channel are only half of the size of the ocean’s mighty waves, this gives me time to warm up and get in sync with the powerful 135 horse powered Waverunner. I am now ready to take on the Gulf of Mexico!

I drive out far enough to stay out of the foamy white surf. Suddenly, the ocean begins to crest around me. As I drive into the waves, I am careful to only depress the throttle to a maximum of half power. Any more would be foolish and could cause a wipeout. I approach a wave with a perfect peak and at the ideal time. I gently squeeze the throttle and the loud roar of the engine fills my ears as the power pushes me up to the foamy white crest of the wave.

In an instant, I am no longer floating on the water, but I am soaring like the beautiful white birds through the misty air. In one brief moment, I look down and estimate that I am eight to ten feet in the air for a split second before I begin my descent back to the briny waters. In a flash the back end of the Waverunner sits down into the ocean with the front following in a rocking motion. All around me is a fine spray of the salty water. I have landed!

Salt and sweat mix to run down my face and into my mouth. I swallow some of the brackish mixture as I wipe my face with my hand and then run my hand through my dripping hair to dry it out. I think to myself, “What a way to spend an afternoon”.

Soon, I notice that the sun is slowly fading in the west so I decide to turn back toward the docks. As I enter the entrance channel, I decide to return at a slower pace to enjoy my last few minutes at sea. The sun reflects off the water in brilliant colors of gold, orange and red. The beads of sweat and water glimmer on my bronze skin in the vanishing rays of light.

To my surprise, I look out and see smooth gray hump with a dorsal fin surface about twenty feet in front of me. It is a dolphin! What a beautiful sight. As this intelligent creature slides back under the ocean’s surface, I spot two more dolphins and then another joins them. The first dolphin emerges again to make a total of four. They are swimming in front of me, playing in the surf. It is almost as if they are leading me to shore. As I idle through the channel, they slowly disappear back to their home in the Gulf.

Once the dolphins are gone, I gently squeeze the throttle and head back to the docks. With a final look back, a see the sun’s reflection off of the glassy smooth water as the ripples of my wake break the surface behind. I think about what a wonderful experience this day has been.

Approaching the boat trailer, I realize how physically tired I am from the constant rush of adrenaline br

Answer 1

Unless you are endorsing certain commercial products do not list them by brand name in a story. Use other adjectives to describe your machine.



Watch your use of punctuation. The ending period goes inside the closing quotation mark--not outside.



Try to limit your sentences beginning with the personal pronoun "I." Edit your manuscript a few more times to replace key words and phrases that ought not be duplicated.



Good luck and keep writing.

Answer 2

try writing a story with almost no description in it, but still make it interesting. you will likely find out how little description is truly necessary. i mean suppose i see a monster and tell you as much. anything might pop into your mind ranging from some giant creature, to maybe hitler or a mother in law. now if i told you that i saw a monster that was seven feet tall, covered in blue scales, had three heads 29 eyes, and teeth the size of steak knives. well it's a frightening description but....... it has lost something. now if i told you that i saw something on the street that froze my blood and made me weep. i got the point across without any description of the monster at all, or whether or not it even was a monster. like i said you can describe things indirectly and that can be more powerful than direct descriptions. so don't describe, it makes for a suspenseful read if done right.

Answer 3

Meefer,



This is really not bad. The only advice I would give you is to try to work around not using ' I ' too often when writing in first person. I did this and I did that becomes annoying after a while. You can actually word your sentences with the same meaning without the ' I '.



Example:

Your original paragraph:



Soon, I notice that the sun is slowly fading in the west so I decide to turn back toward the docks. As I enter the entrance channel, I decide to return at a slower pace to enjoy my last few minutes at sea. The sun reflects off the water in brilliant colors of gold, orange and red. The beads of sweat and water glimmer on my bronze skin in the vanishing rays of light.



My edited version:



Soon, the the sun is slowly fading in the west. Walking back toward the docks, I enter the entrance channel and decide to return at a slower pace to enjoy my last few minutes at sea. The sun reflects off the water in brilliant colors of gold, orange and red. The beads of sweat and water glimmer on my bronze skin in the vanishing rays of light.



See?



Try to keep the ' I did this and I did that' a minimum.



Good luck!



PJ M

Answer 4

It's pretty good, its a shame the question cut off part of your text. It did that to me too, once.