Please read the start of my story???

Question

Hey, I'm 13, and I have just started writing a new story. This is the beginning. No harsh comments but do be honest :p thank you!
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I didn't think it would get as complicated as it did.

Life always takes you by surprise. Not necessarily good surprises, sometimes life is just cruel. Little things can lead you on and make you do things that you would never do normally. That's my opinion, anyway.

Little things can change you.

I never thought that the boy next door was cute. Throughout our lives, our mothers had become firm friends thus making us spend perpetual amounts of time with each other. As a baby he cried and whined and snivelled and broke my toys. I cried and whined and snivelled back, then he went and broke another one of my toys.

This carried on until primary school. He was never one of the kids with his nose always running and his butt always hanging out, but he had a spectacularly geeky haircut and always shuffled around, never loud, never quiet. Never enough for me to notice. We still had "playdates" (his mum was so old-fashioned) which was basically long intervals of formal questions and awakward silence in his room.

Answer 1

Hi Girl with a pretty name.



Well, aren't you a clever girl, I loved it! I have to say I loved some of the things you've written....things like 'sometimes life is just cruel.' and 'That's my opinion, anyway'. It's a casual remark but very fitting. This piece shows you have a clear understanding of the descriptive process. You are also clearly someone with a keen sense of observation. You write with a mind older than your years. Very well done, keep it up. I don't know where you are going with this but I have a feeling it's going to get a lot darker but what do I know? I've been wrong before! Hope this helps! All the very best to you and your writing!

Answer 2

I'm with Willow on this one - this is relatively deep. The 4 factors, wind, fire, earth and water are separate entities. Water desires nothing for itself. Mother Earth is right here for us all and the wind is pushed however fireplace is evil. 'Tongues of fire'. 'Flames licking at his flesh'. Fire is alive and your prose offers lifestyles to this most fearsome aspect. I admire the line, 'tugged with the aid of a wind of its own production' - this describes fire exactly, fire creates and takes manage and most effective then destroys when it is the dictator of its sufferer. Satisfactory write - is that this the of something fairly colossal?

Answer 3

I like it:) Especially the first few lines. Really reels you in. I'm writing a book myself and I think that the first few lines are really important. Good Job!