Books and Authors: Character traits help?

Question

The passage below is the beginning of my story. I was wondering if you could pull any sort of character traits from the main character (Zach) from the passage. I know there are a few, but I want to see if the readers can pick out any of his character traits in this.

By the way, the first two and half sentences were written by the main character to make the beginning a bit more interesting for the audience to read.

He's been watching her for days and days on end, sitting in the same exact spot every single time, carefully taking notes on everything about her. Today was the day. The day he was going to... Zach dropped the pen down on the table and sighed as he scrubbed his hand over his face. He sat there for a few moments with his head in his hands, taking deep breaths. For some reason, he just couldn't get in the mood to write. Suddenly, he felt a presence at the table, a figure hovering over him, breathing down his neck. He turned around slowly to see a woman standing there, a huge smile on her face. Zach gave her a small grin back and rolled his eyes as he switched back to his original position. He picked the pen back up and wanted to start letting the words flow, but the girl sitting down in the seat across from him was distracting. "Hey, you wanna go on the boat with me and my brother?" He winced at her incorrect grammar. How strange was it that this random girl was just coming up to him and asking to go on boat rides?
Zach glanced back up from his paper, but didn't respond. He didn't know what he was supposed to say to a beautiful girl like the one in front of him. He began to tap his pen multiple times and his face fell when he realized his paper was covered with small, blue dots. "Is that a yes or a no?" The girl inquired, imitating a balance beam. He guessed it must have looked like he was weighing the pros and cons in his mind, but, in truth, he had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on.
"Uh...," was all he could manage to get out. He scrunched up his face when he thought about his response and internally cursed at himself for being an idiot. He wanted to ask her who she was and what exactly she wanted, but he figured that would be too straightforward.
"Ah, you're one of those nervous guys, aren't ya?" She popped her bubble gum after she was done talking. "Well, don't you worry, I won't let the big fish eat you." What the hell was going on? When he didn't reply again, she said, "Okay...still no talking. Fine, I'll do it like this: Hi, I'm Claire." Claire stuck out her hand, but he didn't shake it. Something odd was going on and he prayed it was something that wouldn't end badly for him. "This is usually the part where you shake my hand." That time, Zach gulped and shook it, his own hand trembling as they touched. He watched her pull her hand back and his eyes widened when he thought he did something wrong.
"Zach," he croaked.

Can you pull out any character traits from what you just read above? If so, what are they?

Also, what do you think of it so far? I know it's not very good. It's a very rough draft of the beginning and I'm just trying to get my ideas down.

Thanks! I appreciated it!

Answer 1

You also need to start a new paragraph when the focus switches from one character to the other. For instance, that paragraph which starts off "Zach glanced..." - the dialogue in the middle of it is spoken by the girl, but all the rest of it is Zach's thoughts. Two paragraphs later you have



"Well, don't you worry, I won't let the big fish eat you." What the hell was going on?



That's her dialogue followed instantly by his thoughts. This sort of switch needs a new paragraph exactly as if he'd spoken.



You don't need to indent. Standard online convention is to leave a blank line between paragraphs.



Not sure I can get much from this about his character. He winces at her incorrect grammar when it's something people say all the time, but what he writes at the start has a far worse tense shift in it - is this supposed to indicate arrogance and that he's not as bright as he thinks he is? He's been taking notes about her for days - stalker? If what he's writing is supposed to be fiction, then you need to make that clear. It looks like a description of the current situation. You don't get to carefully explain every technical detail of your intention to your readers - your writing has to stand alone.



Apart from that, he just comes across as a cliched "OMG it's a GIRL I can't POSSIBLY treat her like an actual person" character.

Answer 2

Write more.

I liked it.



Zach is, from what I perceived, the type that likes to always know what's going on. He's kind of a perfectionist in writing (He winced at her incorrect grammar). He wants to be normal...or maybe he wants to be someone else. I got that from the fact of what he was writing. I inferred he wasn't writing in a diary, so I figured he was writing out of his own character. I could be wrong.



I'm a fellow writer and I've noticed that writers perceive more in the text that a regular audience, so I may not be the best lab rat. But this is what I got.

I do think you should split those paragraphs a bit more. Bulky paragraphs tend to distract readers and, frankly, annoy other writers.

ex: When he stops writing, add a paragraph before it says he drops the pen.

Start a new paragraph when he feels another presence at the table.

Also add a paragraph anytime someone new is speaking.



Anyway, I hope you get the idea. It was a wonderful peice of work. If I may ask, how old are you?



Good writing. I'll be watching this topic. You can add a little more using the "additional details" button. I'd love to see where the story goes next. Good luck!

Answer 3

Creepy (taking detailed notes on a girl), arrogant (being annoyed by grammar that wasn't even too bad), incredibly socially awkward (being unsure of how to react to the girl).



Shouldn't you be starting a new paragraph whenever somebody speaks?

Answer 4

From what I've read so far about Zack, is that he is very intelligent, shy, determined, stubborn. He often over-analyzes situations like with that Claire girl. You should describe what Zack and Claire looks like. This is very well written by the way.