Question:
Would you Please read this? Does the beginning make you want to keep reading?
2010-06-26 11:02:50 UTC
I'm thinking about making a little book not to publish it, but just a small book containing some stories of my characters. They don't even have to do with my novella. So this is the beginning of my story for one of my characters. I plan to go back and edit tomorrow. Please criticize me now.

On my first day of kindergarten the teacher told me, when she read my name out loud to the class, “ Jared Imperia, your name sounds like the name of a super hero.”
“ I am a superhero! I can make fire come out of my hands!” I told her enthusiastically. The rest of the class, including her laughed at me. They all thought that I was a liar. I wasn’t lying though, it was the bloody truth.

When I was twelve, my best friend was a rich kid named Samuel. He made my life miserable. The only reason I was his friend, like so many other kids was so he’d stop making fun of me. Back then, I didn’t come from a very high class family. Our house was only the size of a prison cell, with only a bathroom added. I had no fancy game counsels, or any type of entertainment at all.
I remember that Samuel used to make my life a living hell. Making fun of my low class life twenty four seven.
“ Your clothes are disgusting did your momma pick them out of a trash can for you? Or from the shopping cart of a homeless person?” All the other kids would laugh at whatever he said. Whether it was funny, or not. They had their own special system. Just laugh at whatever he says, and your safe from his eyes, or mouth. I was always his number one target. Everything about me was wrong. I was dyslexic, a slow learner, my clothes where like rags, and my parent couldn’t even afford a car, so I had to walk to, and from school everyday. The sweat on my head each morning, and afternoon proved that right. One day, Samuel went too far with his stupid jokes about me.
“ I’ve never seen your parent before?” He asked me.
“ That’s cause they can’t drive here.” I mumbled. In a way I knew just like everyone else, where this was going.
“ I don’t think so. I think that your mother’s a dirty pig, and your father is a low life gambler. My parents say that people like that should be killed, put to sleep.” He spat at me. My temper was rising fast. I always had a problem with controlling my anger, especially near him. Mum always told me to count to ten when I felt like exploding, but when it came to Samuel’s jokes, her method never worked.
Fast breathing, loud beating heart, my fists clenched hard, were all the sighs that I was going to lose it.
“ Look at your parent, their both fat lazy gits!” I yelled at him. It was like I’d just happened to challenge the male leader of a pack. A circle had gathered around him, and I. His other stupid friends where whispering, “ He shouldn’t have done that,” “ Sam’s going to beat him to pulp,” or “ What a stupid thing to say.”
“ What did you call my parents!” Sam whispered to me trying to sound “ menacing.”
“ I said your parents are no good, fat, lazy gits!” I yelled at him with much more gusto this time. We were both circling each other one of us could strike at the other any minute now. More people were coming to watch us. The circle of specters was getting bigger by the second. I didn’t mind the more the merrier.
They’d all finally see that Sam was just a fat, rich kid. He didn’t know what hard work was, unlike me. I would pound him to pulp in the first second our fists collided with each other.
“ Samuel you can draw out of this fight, before I make your noise bleed. If your smart you’ll know what the right choice is.” A sly smile toyed on my lips. His white powdered skin was slowly reddening due to my comment.
“ I am not stupid. Imperia, I’ll kick you’re a$$ and show you how a real man acts.”
“ Man! Samuel you’re the most low class human ever! You can never be considered a “ man”!“ I burst out laughing. My shoulder heaving, and my head bent back. My laughter was the only sound heard throughout the still circle. He lost it next, and so did I.
He ran at me. Our fists, heads, shoulders, and feet collided. The promised bloody noise I’d warned him about happened, and I received my very first scar on my neck. I couldn’t tell you how I was never expecting Sam’s huge meaty hands to pack such hurtful punches.
The small school boy fight turned into one of the most deadliest fights ever.
“ Imperia your so stupid. Thinking that you can win. I bet you have to use a bucket to go to the bathroom.” Samuel taunted me. I shoved him hardly. “ Everyone Jared uses a bucket to go to the bathroom!” Sam called out to the crowd .
He had the upper hand now. Some stupid kid began chanting “ bucket boy.” and soon more kids joined in. Until the whole group was chanting in loud voices “ bucket boy, bucket boy!”
“ Shut up!” I yelled, but they wouldn’t listen to me. I wish they had. Sam found his courage and pushed me down into the concrete floor of the basket ball court. Looking up at
Seven answers:
2010-06-26 11:51:27 UTC
Games console, not cousel

and "kick YOUR a$$" rather than you're

and "stronger" rather than "more stronger"



Other than those minor grammatical errors, the rest of it is excellent! I love how you make the reader actually HATE that Samuel. I think it's well written, especially where you put little snippets of Imperia's opinion in such as "I wish they had" because it makes me automatically think WHY does he wish that?? That is one of the main reasons why I want to continue reading!

I also really like how it starts in kindergarten and then develops to the pivotal area of his life: the fight and, presumably, the fire in his hands. I think that the one thing it needs is a reaction from Samuel in the last couple of lines. E.g "I tried to stop it but how could I? Samuels smug, superior smile began to fade and doubt flickered across his eyes. It felt so good, I wanted to blast him etc.."



Thank you for sharing it with me :) xxx Also, nice name.. Jared Imperia ;)
Wendy
2010-06-26 18:15:23 UTC
I would definitely keep reading this. I want to know what happens next! XDD

Anyway, this section was pretty good, and it held my interest well. The only thing I would say is proofread it a little. I found a few misspellings and misplaced commas and things. Not a huge deal, but just watch out for those. One I noticed you repeated though: when Imperia was talking about giving Sam a bloody nose, he kept saying "bloody noise." I think you typed that twice a little toward the end.



Other than that, you did a very good job with this story.
quite
2010-06-26 18:51:30 UTC
Write more. NOW.



I love this. Besides simple grammar that you can fix later, it's splendid.



You captured that childlike anger perfectly, the immaturity and rage that being made fun of brings. The fight scene was well written, and I was rooting for your main character- which means you've made him likable/relatable, which is one of the most important things about creating a character.



All in all, spectacular!
☺DogLvr☺
2010-06-26 18:15:18 UTC
It's game console, not counsel ;). In 2 sentences you put where instead of were. Also in one you put parent instead of parents and their instead of they're. At the end of a sentence, it would be him and me, not him and I. You put you're instead of your in one sentence, and in another you put your instead of you're.

Sorry, I did that as I read it, and I'm not too good at criticism, hehe. Besides the mistakes I pointed out, there were a few punctuation errors, mostly with commas. It was very interesting, though. If it were longer I would definitely keep reading. :)

Good luck
TheMadHatter[Alice]TM
2010-06-26 18:57:33 UTC
WOW GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! erm, just one thing........

"whether it was funny, or not"

"the sweat on my head each morning, and afternoon proved that right"

"so I had to walk, and from school everyday"

you don't need a commar in these sentences:)

I like it, really good so far!

Hope I helped!
kare
2010-06-26 18:12:37 UTC
its choppy in some places you need to work on your grammer and descrition. what do the suroundings look like? what does his teacher, his friend, classmates, himself look like how do that act try to make to reader feel like their there that they can see exactly whats happening. it would make the read much better but your on to a good start.
Juli
2010-06-26 18:06:28 UTC
I still think it's pretty epic :) and it looks like your grammar improved in some places I think



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