How does this paragraph sound ?

Question

I opened my eyes to find a streak of light seeping through the closed window blinds. My mind fought it's way through a fog of last night's events in all effort to forget about it. A sudden fluid of pain rewrapped itself around my heart and there entered the guilty conscience my heart desired to avoid. I couldn't believe this was happening. What have I done?

--

It belongs in the middle of my story. I was wondering if it sounded alright.. I read it over 5 times and it started to sound funny to me. What do you think of it?

Answer 1

"I opened my eyes to find a streak of light seeping through the closed window blinds."



"Window" is unnecessary, because that's where blinds go. Other than that- thumbs up.



"My mind fought it's way through a fog of last night's events in all effort to forget about it."



This sentence is grammatically incorrect. "It's" should be "its." "In all effort" is not grammatically correct, and doesn't make sense. I see that you're trying to produce strong imagery, but you should choose more precise words.



"A sudden fluid of pain rewrapped itself around my heart and there entered the guilty conscience my heart desired to avoid."



"Fluid of pain" doesn't make sense. Is "rewrapped" really what you mean here? "There entered" should be changed to be something more clear. You might want to rethink using the word "heart" twice in the same sentence.



You're obviously a beginning writer, which is really good, but you should practice- and by practice, I mean read. A lot. Don't worry about "copying" the style of your favorite authors, it will actually help you develop your own voice.



For help, try reading Stephen King's "On Writing." It really clears up a lot of issues beginning writers have.



Please don't take my criticism personally. I'm trying to help you out- if you love to write, keep writing! Getting feedback (especially the negative kind) is supposed to help you grow as a writer, not discourage you from continuing.

Answer 2

Okay, great use of using new words and avoided cliche description, but there are a few parts that need attention.



First, "in all effort to forget about it" sounds confusing. Just reword or rephrase, not a big deal



I also think that you just not use the word "fluid" as describing pain. Try ribbon, maybe, or strip, or something that actually wraps, rather than a fluid.



Also, your second to last sentence would sound better if it was reworded. Perhaps say "How could this have happened?"



Otherwise, very nice paragraph.

Answer 3

for the most part it sounds really descriptive and gives the reader a good show not tell feeling

"i think fog of last nights events in all effort to forget about it" sounds really awkward....especially" in all effort to forget about it"

also i see that you liked using metaphors

when you use a chain of metaphors, try to get them from one specific area .. you use fog then switches to fluid and wrapping. It confuses the readers somewhat

there are some unnecessary words...i.e rewrapped...was there an original "wrapping"



Other than that it sounds like u have something interesting going on...

Answer 4

The world "all" in the second sentence should be "an." The next sentence would make more sense if it read, "Pain wrapped around my heart as the guilt I had so tried to avoid boiled to the surface of my mind," or something like that. Good luck.

Answer 5

Not bad, but I agree, 'fluid of pain' doesn't sound right. Fluids seep into, flow, etc., not wrap around. Also I think a word here or there might be woth changing: 'the fog' instead of 'a fog'; 'What had I done' instead of 'have'.

Answer 6

Sounds pretty good however 'fluid of pain' sounds like you're getting lost in the mood of the prose. It doesn't flow correctly so change it to something else.

Answer 7

properly, you have already implied issues, so most of the adjectives are no longer needed. case in point, "His eyes have been locked on mine. Why did he continuously do this? I shied faraway from his unwavering gaze." Unwavering isn't needed using fact "locked" provides the impact that he will no longer look away. i think of quite of "shied" you could only say that she appeared away using fact her being shy is a contradiction to her being impatient. She could have jerked her eyes faraway from him. For I prodded, petulant, I agree. that's a extraordinary sentence. I advise removing petulant completely and changing prodded to a distinctive be conscious using fact the connotation of prod is something comfortable, and it style of appears like she could have decrease him off or interjected or only stated, using fact the ellipses supply the impact that he replaced into decrease off. on the main section, the sentences are short and uneven, so which you would be able to combine them some to alter the words around to create greater pass. yet there's a stress interior the tone, so in case you have been aiming for that, congrats. :D

Answer 8

after "last night's events" you should put a semi colon (;) or something lik that. cause it kind of runs on. but other than that you are a great writer!!! i really loved reading that! keep up the good work:-)

-Aj

Answer 9

It's pretty good, very well written, but I think that in some spots you wrote very detailed and elaborately, and in others, you wrote very casually and like as if you were talking to your friends. It's very good though. =))

Answer 10

It is quite good but there are a few grammatical errors.

Answer 11

It's a good narrative, but it's quite drawn out in my opinion.

Answer 12

i think its very good...you seem very talented...after reading this i wanna read ur story :) i got lost in these 4 lines u wrote ...good job

Answer 13

Very sexy and mature, I would love to read the rest of the story........

Answer 14

it sounds great and interesting to me!!

Answer 15

I like it!

Answer 16

it sounds good!

Answer 17

pretty good

Answer 18

good

Answer 19

LOVE IT