What do you think of my story?

Question

Hi I've been working with a new style of writing and Im not sure if it sounds alright could you leave comments about this exerpt

\
The breeze whipped Cyrene Dangren hair across her into her face.
In a sudden gust of wind her chignon came undone, sending loose auburn tendrils cascading down her back. But it was not the air that pricked her skin to gooseflesh and sent shudders through her spine. Cyrene took her sister and held her close, rubbing her hands over her small shoulders in hopes of warming her. Little Frid was frightened and for good reason, strange men from Cantongen had swarmed their home and all quite suddenly Braegil castle was infested with men of the king and Palaceguards all in black and grey livery with blades at their sides.
“You will be strong, Frid.” Cyrene hugged her sister under her cloak“ Will not let them see you cry.”
Frid nodded but her eyes were already swollen and red rimmed.
As the morning sun rose fingers of mist and light glided up into the sky. Cyrene and her sister watched from their place, flanked by palaceguards, as more men from the royal livery pulled a group of boys out of the tower keep and into the sunlight. There were four in all, two boys from the country side, a squire and one prince of the realm. By noon they would all be dead. Traitors, according to the King. The boys tumbled as they walked, weighed down by chains, sweat and blood pasted their hair to their foreheads. Palaceguards guided them up to the parapets, in full view of everyone and a man in dark leather chaps set them to their knees.
“Bow before your Lord, Afal King of all Gil.” The man in black dropped to one knee as the King entered the gallery, he was surrounded on either side with beautifully dressed men and women and wore blood red vests and robes and the fur of an auburn fox, his was dark hair oiled and combed back. “My Lady,” The palaceguard nearest to her side whispered. “You must now bow before the King.”
Cyrene and her sister melted, in unison, to a curtsy as Afal marched past them, his glittering horde of nobles following in his wake. The boys knelt on a platform in the parapets, the sun made glistening outlines of their bodies as they waited for their fate. The man in black unsheathed a blade and leaned in against it begging forgiveness of the gods, as is tradition for executioners.
“Last words?” He asked.
“Yes,” The boy-prince’s voice cracked with sudden fear or anger, or both. “I die today because Afal the false King commands it, he is damned for his crimes against the ancient religion but he does not have to drag this Kingdom to hell with him. My brother is the rightful-,”
“Shut him up.” Someone in the crowd yelled. The executioner dealt him a swift blow in the ribs to keep him quiet. Cyrene felt her sister tremble as the executioner’s foot meet with their brother’s middle, something had cracked. One of the other boys vomited up bile.
“With your permission M’Lord.” Afal nodded his consent and the executioner lifted his blade.
“Do not look.” Sudden horror filled her as she spoke and Bodica burrowed her head into her waist as the sword fell. The second young prince of Gil was dead.

Answer 1

I agree with N that you should have proof-read your excerpt before submitting it. You've typed commas where there should be full-stops [periods]. This paragraph for instance :



“Yes,” The boy-prince’s voice cracked with sudden fear or anger, or both. “I die today because Afal the false King commands it, he is damned for his crimes against the ancient religion but he does not have to drag this Kingdom to hell with him. My brother is the rightful-,”



should be



“Yes.” The boy-prince’s voice cracked with sudden fear, or anger, or both. “I die today because Afal the false King commands it. He is damned for his crimes against the ancient religion; but he does not have to drag this Kingdom to hell with him. My brother is the rightful--”



There are other errors that could be corrected : Cyrene and her sister melted, in unison, into a curtsy



“Shut him up,” someone in the crowd yelled. The executioner dealt him a swift blow in the ribs to keep him quiet. [It is obvious that the executioner would not descend from the scaffold to kick the spectator, but the word "him" is so close to the 'someone in the crowd' that it's modifying the wrong person. It would be better to use "the prince" or "the prisoner" instead of him.



Same problem in the last paragraph. "Her" is probably Cyrene; but it's best to say so.



I thought Cyrene's sister was named Frid [Elfrida?] but here she is Bodica. If there are two sisters, and one of them did not melt into a curtsey with Cyrene, which one was it and why didn't anyone reprove her?



Is "Palaceguards" the name given to the troop, or do you mean "palace guards"



Would the outspoken boy-prince have knelt with his fellow prisoners?



Enough nagging. Your scene is dramatic. This reader is interested to know about the characters and how their realm was conquered. It reminds me of the Wars of the Roses, when Cicily and her two sons George and Richard stand at the market cross, ready to face the Lancastrian army about to take them prisoner. Other than the punctuation problems, it's a good beginning.

Answer 2

I stopped reading after the first sentence. If you can't even use apostrophes properly ('Cyrene Dangren's not Cyrene Dangren) then I highly doubt that any of this will be worth reading.



You did ask.

Answer 3

Way to mice mixing. And way to much to explain. Try again and simplify it.





During the fifties there was a subtle jump in recreational drug use. Late fifties and early sixties there was an explosion of recreational drugs on the black market. The drug line began with the rise of WWII. And gained momentum the ought the war in east Asia.

Meantime while the citizens of the USA was dazed and confused talking love not war there was many laws passed under the citizens radar. Some lost to the drugs and others to the slew of financial and business gain.

Both would prove to be temporary.

Today we see the same thing being repeated all over again

Increase of drugs and money and soon new buisnisess.

All set to take attention away from large corporations like banks and armed forces.

Both in the past were well seated in the drug franchise.

Both provided support to import and distribute both drugs and currency. Both lead to a serious depression.

Both tied to get her with the FDA and drug

Answer 4

?