Question:
Is my story any good?
2013-03-25 12:43:13 UTC
Okay so this is the story that I wrote for my English exam, I know its not great, I had like a few days to come up with an idea haha...
Also bear in mind I havn't wrote a story for like a year:)
I am 15 btw :)

and ALSO it is based loosely on the tragedy of Natalie Wood, it's also only the first half of it, I didn't want to bore everyone with the whole thing :)

Opinions on it would be great :)
Thanks!
(Also sorry some of the phrases are supposed to be in italics - dam yahoo answers!;)


As her face emerged from the ice cold water, Natalie took in a deep, hoarse breath. Instantly her body tensed in pain. She splashed around in panic, finally grasping hold of the rope attached to the yellow raft. Her body was shaking uncontrollably, from the coldness, from her fear of water, from the complete surprise of falling overboard her boat. The night sky, painted a ghastly black, surrounded her, making it almost impossible for her to see Robert. Natalie swung her head around in panic, desperately trying to seek his existence. Finally his awkward stance appeared faintly, standing on the boat, facing Natalie. Her heart raced frantically as she tried to draw a breath in to call him. “Robert!” She breathlessly screamed. Her eyes widened in fear as she felt her feet begin to turn numb. Robert did not answer. She shrieked at him again. “Robert! Help me!” Robert chuckled to himself. Natalie splashed around in anger. “Robert please! I can’t swim!” Robert took a step forward closer to the rail so that what he was about to say would be heard clearly and simply to his wife.
“It serves you right Natalie!”
He then silently and swiftly disappeared back inside the boat.

Natalie cried out, hoping that someone would hear. Her hands gripped tightly onto the rope, and the heavy coat that she wore allowed her to float gently as the small ripples of waves splashed her silently. Her mind constantly flashed back to Robert, standing on the boat, grinning to himself.

“It serves you right Natalie!”

He would come back though, surely? The question was repetitive in Natalie’s frantic mind. Her husband would not allow her to drown, to freeze to death. She was certain that in a minute, he would appear again, help her out of the water, wrap her up in a blanket, cuddle her, apologise for arguing, apologise for leaving her out in the chilling night for so long. Yet minutes passed without any progression.

“It serves you right Natalie!”

She pictured Robert standing there, an evil glare gleaming from his eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut with frustration. She knew Robert. The man she had married would not let her suffer like this, not for too long anyway. Jealousy only lay upon the surface of his heart, love sat deep inside. She reminded herself of this fact. Sat bobbing up down in the sea, reminding herself.
‘Why is he doing this though?’ her thoughts were repetitive. Her mind began racing with theories. Jealousy? She was a very successful actress. Maybe he wanted more fame, the same amount that she had. But why would he leave her to die?

Jealousy only lay upon the surface of his heart, love sat deep inside.
Six answers:
2013-03-25 12:56:19 UTC
I think your style of writing is very good and flows nicely, and I like how you didn't go overboard with the description and detail as many young writers are prone to do. However, (and this is only a small point) you could improve on your sentence openers from 'she' and 'the' to something more varied: adverbs (ed), participles (ly), (ed) and alliteration...

Hope this helped!
Samantha
2013-03-28 23:21:02 UTC
Well THAT'S dramatic. If I picked up this book and read the first page, I would seriously consider buying it.



Just ONE little thing...in the first paragraph, you say, "...from the coldness..." Get rid of the "-ness" and just leave it at cold, or better yet, put, "...from the frigid water, from her fear of drowning..."



All in all, it's very good!
2013-03-26 19:18:36 UTC
It sounds like we're in the deep end from the beginning. We don't know what's going on, who the characters are, etc.

Great, none-the-less.
gtggtggone
2013-03-27 15:48:48 UTC
Oohh thrilling is she gonna survive and get revenge hehehe
2013-03-25 19:43:58 UTC
Awesome :)



5* / 5*
2013-03-25 19:46:53 UTC
It looks good if it was a book. I would buy and read it.


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