Question:
Little glimpse of my first chapter of my novel? Critique, please!?
Caroline
2009-08-01 23:12:39 UTC
This isn't the whole first chapter, but it was too long! Let me know what you think, mean or nice!

1. Change

The world looked different from the ground. Not necessarily askew, but it was a little less scary, I thought. I felt more at peace than I had in weeks as I looked up at all my so-called friends through separate eyes. They stared at me, and I saw their lips moving; I figured they were probably saying something along the lines of, “Cameron, are you okay?” or “Cameron, what hurts?”

I wanted to tell them to shut-up and let me have my little moment of tranquility. But that would mean I’d have to speak to them, and I would rather eat dirt.

So, I just looked up at them with innocent eyes, attempting to send some sort of a mental signal that would tell them to shove a sock in their mouth because I was fine as usual.

That was really my fault though - the reason so many people thought I was always in a bad mood. My face was less than cheerful, and I sometimes forgot to smile. But that didn’t mean I was ill at ease or on the verge of popping someone in the mouth. I just had a bored look to me. Which probably had to do with the fact that I was bored.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

I really should have taken the hint then. Instead of wallowing in my bored-stiff kind of life, I should have realized that it was all going to change right when my face ate dust. For the most part, I was a graceful girl. I never took ballet, never had dancing lessons, but somehow, I lived a life that was deprived of clumsiness. Which suited me just fine, honestly.

But, either way, I was on the ground. I had tripped. I had fallen, and I had busted my ***. That must have meant something, right? I should have been worried, correct? Wrong.

I was clueless, like an idiot. So, I diverted my attention from the million signs that screamed not normal and got up, anticipating nothing beyond my usual expectations. The standard qualities of my days were about to shift gear and be put in drive, I just knew it.

They did in some sense. But not really.

“Wow, Cam,” Kim said, her voice full of sarcasm. She clapped slowly. “What an appearance.”

“Shut-up, Kimberly,” I muttered as I pulled myself together.

I wanted to say, “Right back at yah,” but that would have been unnecessary bad mouthing, and I should have expected as much from Kim, anyway - sarcasm and all. Plus, I couldn’t pretend I didn’t admire her practical attitude, though it sometimes got on my nerves. As least she was real, in a harsh kind of sense.

Kimberly drinks beer, smokes, and uses obscene language I hadn’t ever heard before I met her. She’s pretty much what she would call a badass. Some people say that her last name was really destined to be Kombs, giving her the initials KKK, but I like to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Anyone who has a brain knows her appearance definitely plays up the bad girl image, though - long, straight black hair flowing down her very elongated and skinny-as-a-tree-branch back, bright blue eyes with heavy eyeliner. That didn’t mean she wasn’t pretty, though. She was.

But her personality? Not so much. Her pierced lip and altogether punked-out persona wasn’t something anyone wanted a taste of unless they wanted their head bitten off in the process. I, on the other hand, had become quite fond of Kimberly and her…unique ways over the years. You could say I’d learned a lot from her.

“Here you go, Cam,” Heath said, his expression embarrassed as he shoved a golden box in my direction. “Happy birthday.”

Oh, yeah - did I mention it was my birthday? Well, it was. I sort of forgot until I realized Heath got me something for it. Of course, he would. Of course, he wanted to impress me. And of course, he wasn’t going to.

Heath’s had a crush on me since Kindergarten and, not that I don’t like him as a friend, but I just don’t like him as anything more - though Mom always wishes it were that way.

No doubt, he was pretty beautiful, though - golden side-swept hair falling just above his adorable green eyes, and not to mention his physique...He’s as muscular as muscular gets, being the star football player and all, and he’s as tall as an Abercrombie model. Most girls I knew would give anything to be with him, and though he may have starred in some of my fantasies, Heath himself was definitely not my type.

I’ve only ever had one boyfriend: Cody Beyers, Kimberly Combs’s current boyfriend, which probably tells a lot about why I’m not with him to this day. Once again, not that I’m not fond of Kim. She’s just not someone I would be likely to share taste with.

I pulled out another necklace I would never wear. “Thanks, Heath. You shouldn’t have.” He really shouldn’t have.

Morgan bounced over to my side and leaned over to whisper in my ear. “I’ll give you my present at the pool, ‘kay? Don’t really want Momma Dubs freakin’ on me….”

I tried to forget she said that; I should probably be scared. Or angry. Or anything but
Five answers:
Rono☵
2009-08-02 00:31:53 UTC
I didn't read the additional details. I stopped when you started describing the guy.

I like it. Overall its pretty good. But I'm not sure about the characters. But then again i don't know where this story is going. They could fit in perfectly.

I would read it. Your a good writer.
anonymous
2009-08-01 23:50:19 UTC
Oh. My. God.

How are you..how?

This is completely amazing.

The detail, the story itself, everything!

How'd you do it?

I'd REALLY like to learn how to write like you.

Message me if you want.

But really, holy crap.
anonymous
2009-08-01 23:20:44 UTC
This place is not suited for critical reviews. I suggest you join a critique group and work there long term. You will find like-minded people who too want to improve their writing. Here's one group I know of:



http://groups.yahoo.com/group/critical_writing/



Sorry, but there are no shortcuts.
God the Editing Dog
2009-08-01 23:23:00 UTC
Little glimpse?? My eyes.. bleed.
Aussiegirl!!
2009-08-01 23:29:24 UTC
i think its pretty good!


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