Question:
This is the first chapter to my story (Can someone help me make it better?)?
victorcorpsebride
2010-10-04 20:04:46 UTC
Chapter One: My Hectic Morning

It was a beautiful, sunny morning in New York City. Many buildings towered over Raven Moore’s apartment and pools of light were reflected into every room. Morning was never as easy, it was never as seamless as people thought it was at least not for Raven.

This particular morning at precisely seven twenty, her alarm clock blared an annoying sound as piercing as a dog’s whistle. Raven covered her head with her checkered pillow and slammed her hand down on the alarm. The bright sunlight peered through the ragged, old curtains, she picked up her alarm clock and tossed it to the ground.

“It can’t be school today! It’s Sunday today.” Raven looked around her room, drearily, hoping for reassurance to her statement, when she looked at her laptop the bubble of an instant message blinked frantically on the screen.

“Hey Raven, don’t forget today’s Picture Day at your school. Please, wear something nice. Have a nice day dear.” from Mom last typed at seven a.m.

Raven rolled her evergreen eyes as she jumped off her bed to get ready for school. She first hurried to her closet and opened the door; she quickly pulled off a long, black dress and found a pair of long- knee socks that were black and white stripped. She quickly shut the door, ripped her night gown off, slid the black dress on, and the pair of socks on too.

Secondly, she ran out to her door and grabbed her books off the kitchen floor stuffed them into her black backpack. She packed all her essentials. One of her prized possessions was a brown, hardcovered sketchbook, which contained another world that, she could only control. Another item she carried was a journal that had the same style as the sketchbook, but was filled with many stories, that she dreamt. Also she had other stuff like: pens, mechanical pencils and lead, erasers, colored pencils, a ruler, sharpener, and an electric dictionary. These were the items that kept her happy, she felt that this world would help her keep her mind off school and the students that ran through it.

Lastly, Raven ran to the front door. She put on her black, combat boots and strapped them quickly on. She grabbed her green Ipod that sat on it’s charger. She was running late so, she didn’t eat any breakfast. Even though, she barely ate. She sighed as she exited the front door, entering the world of doom.

The blinding, bright sunlight welcomed Raven’s pale face as she walked down the side-walk making her way to the nearest bus-stop. Raven slid on her earphones on. Her Ipod held all her precious music that helped her throughout the day. This music aided her by influencing her to write her stories, which were amazing adventures in a fairy-tale land of Rose. She wished with all her heart that she could be in her dream worlds of her drawings and stories. There was a number of genres in her Ipod like: classic rock, alternative, punk, gothic, some metal, and some instrumentals. All these instruments and lyrics, helped her put up with life and create life wit just a trace of a pen.

Raven looked down at her Jack Skellington watch, it read seven forty, she was only four minutes away from the bus stop, so she decided just to walk. While she walked down the old, dusty road, the lyrics to a song that she was listening to reminded her of the students, who hated her so much. She had no clue why everyone hated her, but she could careless. She hated them in return. Even thought she hated them, she was innocent and sensitive about what others thought about her. Sometimes she would cry about it or get really mad. She continued to walk the lonely streets of New York City, wishing and hoping for a better and happier life.

When she finally made it to the bus-stop, the bus was waiting there for her. The lonely girl sighed and walked over to the bus; she quickly climbed on and the bus driver closed the door shut. Raven smiled at him and greeted, “Good Morning, Mr. Burt”, but all she got in return was a cold, hard glare. She sighed, even the bus driver hated her! She wondered what would happen when she sat down; seeing all the sinister glares and stares.

The bus drove off to school, as Raven found her seat in the way back, which was reserved for her, empty of any student for at least two benches across and before her.

Some students would point and whisper, others would just openly say what they thought of her. Raven would laugh at them, she could really careless what they all thought. She wondered why everyone hated her, but she did not care.

“Hey, look it’s that freaky, weird girl! Why don’t you go back to the circus, where you belong!” a younger boy shouted, pointing at her.
Three answers:
?
2010-10-04 20:14:01 UTC
Very interesting story. The only thing I can think of saying is that it would be nice if you decribed the main charictors apperence more, other then that I like it! Please write more soon and or post it on fictionpress.net.
?
2016-04-21 09:15:49 UTC
It's a good storyline. Nice touch with the rose. Maybe you're 13? I altered the first paragraph, couldn't stop myself, removing unnecessary words. ^_~ keep writing it. I woke up early on Thursday, wanting to visit the bridge and the woods for any sign of William. It was only a ten minute walk if I took the shortcut. I closed my bedroom door carefully, trying not to wake anyone, tiptoed down the stairs and wrote a note: “Gone to school early, got coursework to do. El x”. I placed it on the fridge. Before leaving I checked our family’s frail, old rose and was surprised to see its red petals were now full of life. It had miraculously sprung to life over night. I turned around and walked straight into the coffee table that sat in the middle of the living room, the candles and place mats on the table trembled as I hit it. Cursing silently, I walked around the table, placing my bag on my back before heading out the door.
?
2010-10-04 20:06:48 UTC
i like it :]

answer mine?https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20101004200314AAVcyf7


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