How's my story so far?

Question

I walked home from school that day. The wind blew unusually hard, and the crisp, chill air stung at my face... I was about half way home, when I noticed that the white RV i had just seen, was familliar, like it'd driven by more than once... I shook off the thought, and put my headphones into my ears... all my thoughts drifted to the lyrics, and I lost all awareness of my surroundings. Shortly after, my Ipod died. 
And I was left, walking home, with only the sound of rarely passing cars... 
I looked up, and there it was the white RV... this was definatly not imiganitive. I was seeing this.. I was being followed... 
I picked up my pace, and decided, I'd take the shortcut through the alley. 
I turned into the alley, and stopped, when at the end of the alley, I saw a man, standing there, watching me.. I turned around, only to be stopped by two men jumping out of the RV. I started to run, but before I could even get my footing, I fell flat on my face. The three men surrounded me... The one i'd seen in the alley, holding a rusty pocket knife... His greasy hair, snarled nails, ripped up clothes, and yellow teeth, made me shudder in pure terror. 
I am going to die.. I thought to my self.. He hit me across the head. Everything went blank. Next thing I knew I was in a car. only one man was in the car. The man from the alley. 
He grabbed me from my hair, and yanked me out onto the pavement.
I fell to the ground, wincing in pain... 
I moaned, and screamed, but it was no use through the duck tape covering my mouth. The man yanked me up of the ground. He put the knife to my face and made a slight cut. I shut my eyes tightly. He leaned in, his breath was worse then his appearence "Lets keep a move on. We wouldn't want 'someone' getting hurt.. Would we?" I kept my pace with his. Although, it was kinda hard considering, my hand were tied behind my back, and he was moving pretty fast
There's more, but it wouldn't fit. I'm 14. And just took about 10 mins to type!

Answer 1

It needs a lot of work doing to it.



Your main problem is that you're way too keen to tell the story, yet you're not showing anything. You need to start describing things more so we know what is going on and so we know how your character is feeling. In first person POV this is even more important; we need to feel connected to your character. Let us into her world instead of sort-of telling us the story, but not letting us see the whole picture. Describe what your character is seeing.



Your paragraphing needs work. You should put a new paragraph in when there is a new place, person, location or time. If you bear that in mind you will actually see yourself how much more description your story needs. If this excerpt is split into proper paragraphs you will actually have a lot of very short paragraphs...



Next is your punctuation. You use elipses way too much, so try not to use them unless necessary. Also, be careful with your full-stops since you often use two together for no apparant reason. Finally, sort out your commas! Don't stick them where you would never pause if talking out loud.



Basically it does need work, but don't give up. It takes practice.

Answer 2

Some spelling errors but a good attempt. Keep writing and polish it when you're done.

Answer 3

Sounds good

Answer 4

your story is great. it's another good book waiting to be published. if i may suggest something. you should add a surprising twist to it. like the guy from the ally is a monster or something. well you know something unknown. readers like surprises. like R.L. stine. you think you know whats going to happen. but it just changes. readers love the surprises in the book.



hope you liked my suggestion and good luck on your book. it is really good. really processing nicely.



and if you have any time please answer this question of mine please. i have no answers for it.



again good luck on your book. i really enjoyed it.

Answer 5

Amazing and interesting plot so far.

Maybe drag it out a little longer though.

Answer 6

Way too many ellipses.

Answer 7

well i wanted to keep reading so it must be good!