Is My Story Good So Far?

Question

Um well, I'm pretty young and I actually really want to publish a book. I'm 10 years old and I wrote only one part so far. It's a little, not even one page, but I want to see if it's good so I know if I should keep going or not.
Well here it is:
I woke up to the Long Island sun shining brightly in my pale emerald eyes. I used my arms to pull myself up and take the green covers off me. Gazing out the window, I could see Mrs. Lee walking her toy poodle, Snowball, and the corner store where Mr. Jenkins would give Angela and I free ice creams. I looked up on the top bunk to see if Angela was awake. Her eyelids were sealed shut.
“Angela,” I quietly whispered as I softly shook her.
“Angela, wake up,” I demanded.
She stretched her tan bare arms and took a long yawn.
“What?” she mumbled.
“It’s the first day of high school.” I pushed my curls behind my ear. Angela immediately got up and walked over to her cherry wood wardrobe.
“You’re wearing this,” she demanded, as she pulled out an outfit, ready to wear on a hanger. “It would go perfect with your skin tone,” she beamed a smirk at me. I grinned back and got up.
I grabbed my outfit and changed in the bathroom. The shirt was a silk camisole and a cashmere cardigan above it. My trousers fit perfectly, as if they were made just for me. I thoroughly brushed through my extensive ringlet locks and applied my bubble gum flavored lip-gloss. I gripped on to my leather flats and my Aquamarine ring. I put my shoes and accessory on and I took a glimpse at myself in the full view mirror. I clutched my tote bag and walked to the dining table, where our Mother had had pancakes ready for us.
“Where’s Angela?” she asked. I looked up at her and saw she was bringing the breakfast to the table. I set my bag on my dark chair.
“Um, she’s still getting ready. Do you need help, Mom?” I walked over to the kitchen, which had an empty doorway.
“Sure, sweetie, thank you.” I facilitated her and sat down at the table. I looked through my new bag for a few minutes to make sure I had everything I needed. Then Angela came. She was having a conversation with someone on her cell phone.
“Yeah, okay. I’m coming in, like, 10 minutes the most.” Her and her friend exchanged good byes and Angela sat down and joined us at the table.
“So, um, Dad already left to work, right?” I asked my Mother, as I peeked up at her.
“Yes. Are you two done?” she asked, so she can drive us to school. I looked over the round table, diagonally at Angela as she was ogling at her nails that were painted a vivid glowing hot pink.

That's all I have so far. I'm not done though.

Answer 1

You're mixing a lot of adjectives and adverbs that don't necessarily work with the nouns and verbs they're modifying, and you're a little over-descriptive in places. You've also got some problems with pacing. But not bad for a 10-year-old.



See if you can get into a summer writing workshop or program, and read a lot of books. The best way to become a better writer is to read, and to practice a lot and get feedback - writing workshops will give you feedback from other people and give you assignments to hone your skills. Keep on writing! Write as much as you can, read as much as you can! And workshop!



Good luck.

Answer 2

ok first off, for a 10 your old your pretty good. But you use too many adjectives and you have a lot of fluff(unneeded words) so if I was your editor I would go about fixing it like this...





I woke up to the Long Island sun shining brightly in my pale emerald eyes. I sat up and pulled my covers off my shoulders shivering at the cold air hitting my tanned skin. Gazing out the window, I could see Mrs. Lee walking her toy poodle at the corner store where Mr. Jenkins would give Angela and I free ice creams. I looked up on the top bunk to see if Angela was awake. Her eyelids were sealed shut.

“Angela,” I quietly whispered as I softly shook her, “Angela, wake up,” I demanded.

She stretched her tan bare arms and took a long yawn.

“What?” she mumbled.

“It’s the first day of high school.” I pushed my loose, brown curls behind my ear. Angela immediately got up and walked over to her honey-colored wardrobe.

“You’re wearing this,” she demanded, as she pulled out an outfit, ready to wear on a hanger. “It goes perfect with your skin and eyes,” she threw a friendly smirk at me. I grinned back and got up.

I grabbed my outfit and changed in the bathroom. The shirt was a silk camisole that was a soft jade color and I fashioned that with a grey cashmere cardigan. My trousers fit perfectly, as if they were made just for me. I thoroughly brushed through my extensive ringlet locks and applied my bubble gum flavored lip-gloss. I gripped on to my leather flats and my stunning blue ring that i wore with any outfit. I put my shoes and accessory on and I took a glimpse at myself in the full view mirror. I clutched my tote bag and walked to the dining table, where our Mother had had pancakes ready for us.

“Where’s Angela?” she asked. I looked up at her and saw she was bringing the breakfast to the table. I set my bag on my dark wood chair.

“Um, she’s still getting ready. Watcha need help with?” I walked over to the kitchen, which had an empty doorway.

“Could you please set th table?.” I did what she asked and sat down at the table. I looked through my new bag for a few minutes to make sure I had everything I needed. Soon Angela came, having a conversation with someone on her cell phone.

“Yeah, okay. I’m coming in, like, 10 minutes the most.” Her and her friend exchanged good byes and Angela sat down and joined us at the table.

“So, um, Dad already left to work, right?” I asked my Mom, as I peeked up at her.

“Yes. Are you two done?” she asked, so she could drive us to school. I looked over the round table, diagonally at Angela as she was ogling at her nails that were painted a vivid glowing hot pink.





ok so all in all this is pretty good although I have no idea what you are going to do with the plot line but anyway... so i changed a few words of the dialogue because it seemed to...perfect. You have to ask yourself, how would a real person respond, would they go "Yes, Mother" or would they go , "Sure Mom, whatever." which sounds more real??



I have to say you have great potential so keep it up! good luck!

Answer 3

Pretty good writing!



Here's my helpful comments, though:



You're loading things down with too many descriptive words.

"my pale emerald eyes." "take the green covers off me." "my extensive ringlet locks."

What would be wrong with just saying, "my eyes," "the covers" "my hair?"

Sometimes, less is more.



If you don't interrupt the reader's train of thought too much, you preserve a wonderful, dream-like state in reading that we call "suspension of disbelief." It means that the reader has begun to believe every word you say.

The writing begins to flow like breathing; he's not getting stuck on any big words and he's feeling as if someone were narrating the story to him.

If you use a big word (like, "I facilitated her and sat down at the table,") his easy story will come to a grinding halt while he thinks what you must have meant.



This is good writing you're doing, and I know you will soon see how to make it flow seamlessly.

Read books on how to write.

Some of us had to get into Creative Writing courses in high school and college to be taught this stuff, but if you begin reading now and studying writing, I predict you could have a career as a writer.

Answer 4

No matter what anyone says you should never just give up. It's your story, not theirs. =)



Okee dokee. For your age this is good. You're definitely well on your way to become a good author in the future!



Here are my thoughts:

Some description isn't needed in your story, like when you say "I used my arms", the readers will know she used her arms so that bit isn't really necessary. Just say "I pushed myself up out of bed" or something similar. I have noticed though that you're using the "Police description" method of describing your characters. You don't need to write the whole outfit and what she has on from head to toe. Say "she wore a summer outfit" or "she wore loose-fitted casual clothes" and the reader will fill in the rest. And just for the record, there's nothing wrong with the word "said" so don't be afraid to use it. =)



Good luck!

Answer 5

It's pretty good in my opinion, considering your still a minor your parents will have to sign the publishing contract if/when someone decides to publish. Remember authors recieve many rejections from agents and publishers before finding someone to publish them.

Answer 6

Hi-



Its good, but you have too many adjectives and other words. I think that it just needs a bit of editing, and it'll be great! IDEA: give it to an adult or someone older to read and edit it for you.



Hope I helped and good luck with your writing!

Answer 7

Ohh i love the desciption in it and for your age! awesome!

Answer 8

welli think your story is stunning!! yu r pretty young but if you evr get your story published, id totally go and buy it. good titles: following my dreams,no one will come between us, my freshman life (the great beginning and tragic end) idk.. jus sum ideas but yu got lots of potential!!!