Help please my novel?

Question

Heres my 1st chapter

Sky's eyes where gently closed apon her cheeks.
She heard a soft patter of taps on her window.She rushed to look out her window.
"Your up!" said her vampire boyfriend Josh.
"Josh!" she replied
Sky's purple eyes glowed. As vampire queen her farther forbid him from seeing her.
She climbed out her window from her 5 storie house.
Catching her in his arms,Josh softly kissed sky.
"So babe we are gonna get out of here and start a new life just you and me, 4ever and awalys.
She pushed her black hair behind her ears ingoring is white fang smile. "Look Josh I" He cut her off.
"Look Sky nightfall watchers will not harm you as long as i have you in my arms."he said
She tought you read my mine.
He smiled and noded. In a black fire flash they where gone.
Sky woke up in a cave with Josh's red eyes watching her.
He kissed her cheek and handed her a note.
It read Sky my dearest,Rember only vampires can love you 4ever.She knew Nightfall watchers where comming.I hafe to tell
josh iam pregnant she keep thinking.
Josh heard skys thoughts he shaked his head.
"SKY!" he shouted.
She broke into tears,I'am sorry.
Josh put his arm around her and said "You and this babys mine 4ever and awalys and i love both of even though she'll only grown to age five."
Sky wispered "thank you."
Josh brought sky a drink.She was still skinny but the baby would be here in few short monthes. Sky could fell Nightfall watchers was near they also had Dayworlds eyes.She told Josh. He picked her up and started running.
"Umm sky" Josh said
"What?" Sky asked
"Emmie knows."He said
"NOOO!!"She screamed.
Josh explained "She has joined dayworlds eyes and wants us dead.The baby has to die or it will be uncontrollable."
"No ones hurting our family!" they said at once together
The finally stoped running and fell alseep in a old wherehouse.

What do you think?
What could be the tittle?
Is it well ritten?
Would you keep reading?
Any commets or rattings?

Answer 1

Josh reads Sky's mind? Sky is pregnant with a vampire baby that the Nightfall watchers *cough* Volturi *cough* want dead because it'll be uncontrollable? Okay, no offense, but this isn't very good. There are tons of spelling and grammar errors, the plot is cliche, and overall it just looks like a bad Twilight fanfiction. Use spellcheck. Think of better twists. Vampire romance is everywhere right now thanks to Twilight, everyone who reads this story will immediately think Edward and Bella. I guess there are some Twilight fans who might want to keep reading, but do you really want to only appeal to them? I give this story a 2/10. But, you know what? It's perfectly okay to mess up. That's how you learn to become a better writer. The best thing you can do is to keep reading and keep writing, I know you can do better. Best of luck :)

Answer 2

I saw "vampire boyfriend" and quit reading.



I'm tired of reading all this vampire, werewolf, demon, paranormal romance crap. I mean, some of it isn't that bad, but I hate when every book on the shelf in the teen fiction section has it. Please, save yourself the time and write something original.



That is what I think, sorry.



To be bluntly honest, you have many mistakes, and as another person mentioned you can't put "4ever." Writing isn't texting. =P



I'm sorry, but I wouldn't keep reading, either. Like I said, you lost me (and I'm sure tons of other readers who are tired of vampire stuff) at the mention of vampire.



You might be offended, but I'm being honest. I'm trying to help you in the long run. I'm sure there's potential. =) Even if grammar/spelling isn't your strong suit (it isn't particularly mine) you could use Microsoft, and although it won't fix everything, it will fix a few errors and will prove helpful. I will thank you for using pronounceable names.



Good luck =)

Answer 3

you need to fix up a lot of spelling mistakes and some awkward phrasing.

i suggest having some friends or family read it over and help you out.

i wouldn't read it, but it might appeal to pre-teens.



in the first sentence, it is "were" not "where"

"upon" not "apon"

"father" not "farther"

"forever" not "4ever"

"I'm" or "I am" not "I'am".

"coming" not "comming"

"have" not "hafe"

"remember" not "rember"

"always" not "alwals"

also, written is not spelled "ritten"

and i'm assuming it's "thought you read my mind" and not "tought you read my mine"?

those are the ones i caught at first glance, i'm sure there are probably more.

there must be spaces between a period and the next sentence as well.

"I" has to be capitalized, which i am clearly guilty of not doing when i'm on the internet; however, while writing stories and schoolwork i always capitalize properly.

i suggest you fix it up quite a bit, but don't give up on it.

Answer 4

What do you think? Vampires are bad bad bad. Grammar is bad bad bad. You need to spell things out, capitalize, and double space between paragraphs. Bad idea that was poorly written.



What could be the title? Vampire Queen



Is it well written? No, far from it. Take a look at "What do you think?"



Would you keep reading? No!



Any comments or ratings? 1/10. But in any case, keep at it. Never give up.

Answer 5

Well, I am going to be brutally honest. If you don't like it. Tough.

Here we go.



Horrible. Grammar was scary. Are you 8 and don't know how to spell and capitalize things and use proper punctuation? The idea was solo original. SARCASM. It practically was Breaking Dawn all over again only written much worse than the original. And that one was horrible as well. Title for your book. Remake of Breaking Dawn.

Forever is spelt like my sister would spell it. Horrible.

Rating? Don't get me started.

Comments. If you really want to succeed in writing, Edit and go to English class you crack head.

And how old are you?

Answer 6

I stopped reading at "her vampire boyfriend Josh".



Sorry if this is a serious story, but quite frankly; I think you're a troll.

Answer 7

You need to write forever not 4ever. Also check spellings. I wouldn't read it cause it sounds a bit c**p but perhaps somebody would.