hey, am starting to write a book, here is a sample of it pls give me feed back on it.?

Question

The Perceval’s would ordinarily say that there normal thanks to them. Mr. James Perceval and Mrs. Iona Perceval both always think that there better off without any help given to them from any one. I rather say that people do look in them self too much, Mr. Percival was once a baker he never made nothing much off his work, what way to say that he was the best person you could find, absolutely no way, I have to say thanks to them for taking me in there home but at the end of the day he has to stop having too much pride in himself. And at the other hand Mrs. Iona Percival, now I can say she is one woman am scared of, not saying she ever hit me but the way she’ll look at you with her eyes scares the living out of you. As they would say she’s a pretty on the outside but very ugly on the inside. Despite my dislike for them I have to say that they are oppositely wonderful people. Their son Lionel Percival is a short, blond hair and very inpatient boy who has the brain of a nut shell. Hey Jason wake up, I’m coming Mrs. Percival, ‘Get your butt down here now Jason and don’t let me get up there for you’, Ok , ok am coming just give me a second, I replied. Turning my head towards the window looking at the sun drifting its rays toward my face, I got up and exercise the laziness out of my bones and went down stairs. ‘Yes Mrs. Percival, I ask. Don’t yes me boy, now what should you say when you get up in the morning child? She asks, Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Percival, I replied. ‘Now go and wash up those dishes in the sink’. Yes miss.

Answer 1

As with many excerpts I have read, this sounds like it could have potential, but in the state it is in now, it is not something many people would read.



First, you made no regard to the plot or what your plans are for the future of your story. That alone makes this a bland read that can yield almost no feedback, since the reader is left wondering what the h(:ll any of this is about. Is it going to be horror, fantasy, historical fiction, sci-fi, romance ... ? Is Jason going to run away? Will he be embarking on an adventure? Does he join pirates? Does he discover a world that only he knows about? I personally would like to know in order to give proper feedback and to be engaged in your book.



Maybe I'm just picky, but the passage you have given to us could go absolutely anywhere.



There were many basic grammatical errors that made the passage difficult to read and understand: "there" should be "they're" in many instances, "never made nothing much" is a double negative, various wording issues, necessary words omitted, you randomly changed "Perceval" to "Percival", poor usage of quotation marks and other punctuation.



It's almost a TL;DR sort of passage. Remember to start new paragraphs (even in questions on Y!A) when someone is speaking or when the topic changes.

Answer 2

Okay, here is a critique. Bear in mind that I am this harsh on everybody, so it's not just you.



-First of all, the beginning sentence is confusing. You say "thanks to them". Who is "them"?

-Be careful with confusion with words. You say "there normal" when it should be "they're normal". Remember:

They're = They are

Their = Something belonging to someone

There = "It's over there"

-The sentences don't make sense at all. I tried making sense of it, but it is impossible to work out what is going on. Make sure you take time with your sentences and read back to see if they REALLY make sense.

-You need a new paragraph whenever someone else talks. I know on your other question you said you didn't have time, but the bottom line is that if you want people to help you, you should at least make an effort.

-Your dialogue is messed up. I have no idea who is speaking and when they are speaking because the speech runs into each other. You need to press "Enter" once and then indent it by pressing "Tab", then use an opening quotation mark, write what that character says, then when the next character talks do the same again. Do not just use one opening quotation mark for a whole conversation. Look in published books to see how they do it.



You don't need to start over, you just need to edit this a lot.

Answer 3

I don't understand the storyline here. This exposition doesn't give any information at all about what the story is about. It is very hard to read, the grammar in it is horrible. I suggest you learn how to write before you write. Look at the real chapter books kid.



Look, I can see you want to be a good writer, but too me it looks like you haven't had all your schooling yet. From the very first sentence is somehow reminded me of Harry Potter, I don't know why. Try to use different verbs, adjectives, nouns, just all around use different words.One way to make it easier to read is to put the dialogue in dialogue form, for example;

Mrs. Percival screamed at me to get up." Hey! Jason! Get up!"

"Ok. Ok. I'm coming!" I told her." Just give me a sec.!



And so on...

Answer 4

Work on punctuation. I also read a lot of drawn-out sentences, that if shortened, would still have a meaningful effect. An appropriately lengthy sentence is a good thing, but too many can leave a reader weary. Keep writing though, it is headed somewhere.

Answer 5

This story is marred by use of the wrong words (ex. there used instead of their), poor grammar, poor punctuation, and lack of paragraphs. That being said, there are some lovely phrases such as "exercise the laziness out of my bones", "a very impatient boy", and "the sun drifted". Clean it up a little, then re-post.

Answer 6

Try to read it outload: yes, outloid. You'll find some parts don't flow right and you need to work on punctuation and grammar.