Part I: My nitpicking-
1)Ladies' dresses... Plural possessive.
2) Next sentence doesn't quite make sense. "Illuminating" should be "illuminated", but after that, I'm a confused. Lanterns don't illuminate from, they just illuminate. "Illuminate to" would make a little more sense, but it's still not right. Do you mean that the crowd could see them by the lantern light? Could you just say: "The crowd could see them in the lantern light"? Or perhaps: "The blue lanterns illuminated their faces, making them visible to the gathered crowd."
3) "All you could see were their faces, floating masks in the gloom." I know that in speech, it's OK to switch from 3rd or 1st POV to 2nd, but it's unusual in narration. I wouldn't say it's "wrong" or that you should never do it, but here, it's sort of distracting. I would just say, "Only the women's faces were visible, like floating masks in the gloom." I'd add a "like" after the comma, but I tend to be a little cautious with metaphors, so I don't know if that's good advice. It's good figurative language either way. Kudos.
4) "They were waving their hands up to the night sky, as if they thought they could catch the stars like butterflies"--I like the idea of this, but it's a lot to take in. First, I have to compute that they're waving their arms--as if they thought they could catch stars--which are like butterflies. It's a lot for a sentence. Here's how I'd do it, but I make no guarantees that this will be better: "They waved their hands to grasp the night sky, catching the stars as though they were butterflies" This is a little more risky, since it's a metaphor, but I like the flow a little better. Just play with it a bit.
5) "You must be proud as to create a place like this"--seems a tad stilted. He's talking to God. Doesn't mean it has to read like fake 17th century speech: "God, you must be proud you created a place like this!"
6) Your characters talk in run-ons.
"Hey girl, have you ever seen such a big moon? I can't even cover it with my hand, even from this distance."
"Well Helldrid, I think I'll leave you with your drinks. I want to find another way to enjoy myself."
I know people talk without pausing, but dialog should still be somewhat grammatical.
7) Last bit needs a little revision: "The wind drowned out the clapping and laughing; it circled over the rock like girls at play, tumbling down hills. They lifted dust into the air, dappling the sky with powdery stars." Does "they" refer to the metaphorical girls? It is a little unclear. I was expecting you to use the singular "it", for the wind.
General comments:
1) This is as good as and even better than a lot of the writing I have read in college, so please keep it up! Do not think that my nitpicking is terribly meaningful; more than anything it just means that I liked your story enough to read it all the way through, which is impressive considering I have essentially no attention span.
2) While you do a good job of describing the surroundings, you are surprisingly sparse on your character descriptions. You describe Helldrid as being "fiery", but I don't really know what that means; he has "emerald eyes", which is fine. The wine bringer has curly hair and a shrill voice. Lilian is not described. You don't have to have a paragraph where you say something like "Helldrid had green eyes and long dark hair. He was muscular..." etc. But try to slip in a few more details, especially details that relate to something other than hair and eye color.
3) Your similes and metaphors are often interesting, but they are used quite often. You might consider toning them down just a little; try to use only the most important ones. I like figurative language- don't get me wrong- but similes and metaphors are not the only way to be descriptive, and your audience grows a little wary if they perceive that you're trying "too hard." In particular, I thought your metaphor about the moon being a child who fed the chickens was a little forced; you needed two rather long sentences to explain exactly what you meant by it. Perhaps you could have merely described the yellowed moon glimmering against the scattered buildings. Not every description you have has to be so profound, and in fact, we get a little bogged down if it is. We like action, dialog, and in general, life. We only tolerate description on a temporary basis.
Like I said, I actually think this is fantastic. I could not write this well at your age, so you'd better keep it up! Let me know when your work begins appearing at Borders, because I'd love a copy.