Is this writing decent (trying a new style)?

Question

Just in case it's not clear, this is an excerpt from a story about "zombies" (not reanimated dead corpses, though).

Then my insides turn to ice. I see one of the Infected.
It’s a man. He looks pretty normal, slender, with dark hair graying at the temples. He’s in the parking lot of the Dollar General beside the school, smoking a cigarette a few feet outside the door. I wouldn’t even be able to tell what he is, if it weren’t for the necklace he wears.
It is several hundred yards away, but I can still see it. They’re meant to be noticeable like that. It’s a tag, like one of those dog tags soldiers wear, but bright red. Like blood. On their surface is the word “Carrier”, the person’s name, age, and the day they became Infected. It’s something they all have to wear, and they have to check in with a doctor once a month. Once the disease they carry becomes severe enough, to the point where their skin sags and their hearts stop beating and their blood stagnates inside their bodies, they are moved to a gated community just outside down.
And by “gated community” I mean a prison. A nice prison, with pretty houses and parks and stores. Even a mall. But there’s a huge fence around it, and once a Carrier is moved there, they never get out. That’s the place they ever-so-slowly go insane and die, locked away from the world.
It’s what’s necessary, to keep us all safe. But sometimes the system fails. Sometimes, the disease will be spread, and chaos and death will follow, destroying lives and families through one bite, one scratch.
I know this through experience.
Sure, it’s not uncommon to see one of the newly Infected. Some people can live fairly normally with the disease for a relatively long period of time. Months, sometimes even years, though that’s pretty rare. But it’s still disturbing to see them, standing so casually as if they weren’t the biggest threat known to human existence. It makes me sick.

Sorry it's so short, and really just description, but I'm just trying to figure out if I should continue to write like this. I normally don't write in present tense, and I'm not sure how it's working.

Note: The "Carriers" are people infected with a disease that slowly shuts down your vital organs, but affects your brain so that electric signals shoot through the nerves and you continue to exist (not "live" exactly). It breaks down parts of the brain and makes you start to crave violence, and the taste of blood. Scientists developed it as a bio-weapon, but some of the bacteria was carried out of the lab through workers and started an epidemic.

Is that a stupid idea? And does the writing suck? Thanks

Answer 1

sounds pretty interesting so far. I would like to see where you go with it.



Instead of making the narrator "sick" maybe it should make them scared. because the GOOD thing is that they are NOT sick like the carriers. Even though its common to say makes me sick. It can be confusing to some readers who might think it makes him or her sick just being that close to the carrier.



also the "prison" is undoubtedly a fenced off neighborhood right? If its being used a a prison and for carriers who are showing signs of advanced illness. I don't think it would be all that pretty or used. It might be the one spot where the world has indeed ended and the "dead" roam. You know desolate places that no living person would ever want to go to.



prisons my nature are places that non criminals want to even know about much less go to. So I would make them soooooooo bad that if and when the infected spread so does the "prison" meaning the hell that is within the prison will spread out in all directions

Answer 2

That's awesome! I would definitely read more!!

Answer 3

Don`t difficulty; I`m exceedingly particular all writers bypass via this quicker or later, and that i think of it`s so lots extra suited to be waiting to renowned imperfections on your writing than being thankfully oblivious to the reality that it needs progression. i be attentive to three people who're probably lots worse writers than you and not in any respect see something incorrect with their memories. They`ll under no circumstances have something printed, yet for the reason which you will discover and settle for whilst something doesn`t sound large on your writing, in line with danger you will! That being reported, if it progresses into ordinary self-doubt or perhaps embarassment on your writing, you`ll under no circumstances end writing something. till you`re the fashion of prodigy who can write completely the 1st time, the 1st draft of your novel is meant to be outsized, rambling and packed with blunders. It`s approximately getting your recommendations down, no longer perfecting sentences. You style of could desire to view the writing of your first draft and the modifying technique with distinctive eyes and mindsets, and in case you write the 1st draft with your modifying recommendations-set, you under no circumstances extremely get everywhere. additionally, do no longer attempt to mimic yet another author`s type! that should affix the concern - it`s impossible to sound as large as a regular novelist for the reason which you aren`t that novelist, and that isn`t your guy or woman type. Writing is in some procedures very intimate; it could purely come from you, and you`ll sound your superb once you`re exploring your guy or woman own type. attempting to check your self to large novelists isn`t honest, no longer purely with the aid of fact those authors probably have lots extra journey, yet in addition with the aid of fact their finished novels have probably been painstakingly perfected for hours! try writing your first draft without displaying it to all of us else or evaluating it to the different artwork, and in line with danger you`ll finally end up much less self-intense and extra prepared to enhance your guy or woman type on paper. solid success!

Answer 4

It's sounds really interesting and the style of writings great

Answer 5

yeah, I wanna read more!! can you publish it on a website llike wattpad or something like that so i can read the rest?? :)

Answer 6

Niceeeee