The beginning of my first chapter, what do you think?

Question

This is the beginning of my first chapter (after a prologue), and I'd really love some opinions.

People hurried around me, eager not to be late for the first class of the new year. A shoulder dug into my own and I staggered slightly, the owner rushing passed me without a word of apology. I scowled and held my books against my chest like they were my shield; helping me fend off the evil robots I called my peers.
St. Venantius’ wasn’t a boarding school; it was Hell with fluorescent lighting. It was an old gothic style on the outside, with large brown bricks and tall pointed towers around the campus, sending out an instant ominous feeling. I detested that school, and the very second I graduated I was out of there. Another nuisance on the long list was that it also had terrible insulation, so the chill that set a layer of goosebumps over my skin was the norm.
Around the heads of passing students, I met a pair of eyes. The unexpected desire that swam within them made me come to a halt. I stopped trying to push my through the crowd of people, and instead returned their gaze.
There was something so captivating about them that forced me to ignore the rude students jabbing into me and just take in those eyes. They were a clear blue that seemed to impossibly radiate through the dull halls of St. Venantius’, half hidden behind a tousle of dark blonde curls. It was then that I realised the person with the cloudless eyes was a boy, and I knew for certain that I’d never seen him around the grounds before, because there was no doubt I could forget somebody that looked like him.
My eyes involuntarily blinking were all that it took for reality to flood back and my daze to dissolve. I swore at myself inwardly, a surprising panic sped my heart up as I hastily scanned through the sea of students in an attempt to find those eyes. They had suddenly disappeared and although I knew my attempts were useless, I began to push through the crowd.
He was nowhere to be found. Disappointment washed through me, and I turned in the opposite direction so that I could skulk to my first class. I attempted to rid myself of the image of those pale eyes, but failed dismally as they played out in my head over and over again.

What do you think, and how's the pace? Any constructive criticism is appreciate, but please give examples or else it's a little hard to improve. Thank you(:

~Nicole.xx

Answer 1

I actually like the prose. Even though I don't understand why you can't say "don't like" or "hate" instead of "detest." And I think "scowl" is a bit of a ridiculous word in general. But, anyway, I'm just nitpicking. This shows some promise, especially for a young adult novel. It connects well and the writing seems (for the most part) pretty natural and well thought-out.



My biggest peeve right now is stories that start with a girl meeting a new kid in school. And I hatehateHATE that line "I hadn't seen him around before" or anything similar. It's just too cliche, and it seems that every other teen novel I pick up nowadays starts like that.

Answer 2

Very good :)

I know I have answered this before... I think... but i still like reading it.

Unlike the two answers above me, I like the word scowl... always have. and I don't think the pace is too fast. even if it was, the descriptions seem to break it up abit.

I usually get told not to describe something, such as the school, right in the first paragraph, or second. But I have never seen anything wrong with it.. and in this scene it fits.



will you be putting any more chapters on WOP anytime soon?

let me know if you do.



floo powder - It does sound like the action, doesn't it? :)

P.S travelling by floo powder is awesome aye?

Answer 3

@ The Floo Network: Haha I've always loved the word scowl as well. It just gives a very accurate depiction of what scowling looks like. I don't know, it just sounds like how the word would look like. If that makes any sense at all.



I really like this. It's very easy to read and picture, and your descriptions are great. Obviously yes, it is a little cliche, but isn't everything? We as readers don't know the rest of this story, so for all we know, it could be as un-cliche as ever.

I like it. Keep writing, definitely.

:D



Floo Network: Yep :) Floo powder is the way to go :)

Answer 4

It's pretty good, though I think the pace could be a little slower. You could add a little more detail, I think, and just take it a little slower. Maybe she could be talking to a friend, have a little conversation, and then her friend would say something but at that moment the girl would see the eyes and become all distracted and then leave the friend saying "I'll be right back...." you know, something like that. Also, its not spelled skulk, its spelled sulk.

Answer 5

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