Critique my writing please?

Question

I would love some feedback on the opening for a story... It's meant to be a thriller about a family that seems perfect on the outside but on the inside has a horrible web of dirty secrets...

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I suppose I should start this story from that morning. The morning of the day that everything changed horribly - for the worse.

“Hurry up Ria, we are going to be late!” Mum frantically paced the kitchen floor, triple checking the contents of her purse. Like she would find anything different from her last spot-check five seconds ago.

“Yelling isn’t going make her go any faster,” Will mumbled before taking another slow sip of coffee. I sat opposite him, draining the milk from my cereal bowl.

Mum spared a glance between me and my step-dad, then groaned, “I honestly don’t understand how you two could be so – so – calm. I’m supposed to be at the Studio in ten minutes. I would have never offered to drive you to school if I had known we were going to be this late. Ria! Please come out of the bathroom!”

“In a minute,” Ria’s voice called out from the bathroom door.

Mum groaned again.

I could understand why she was so worked up. I used be an on-time freak like my parents, but that was before Mum remarried and I ended up with a step-sister who could never be early – even if her life depended on it.

Will looked up, “Honey,” he began, “You better go to the Studio or else you’ll be late. I can take the kids to school – I don’t have to meet with Mr. Sanyo for another hour.” With her purse tucked under her arm, a pair of high heels in one hand and a set of keys in the other she rushed off, shouting out a word of thanks before shutting the door.

I sighed and then reached out for the magazine Mum had left on the table. The magazine was called Home & Life Monthly and Mum would have never bought a copy if it wasn’t for page 8. I flipped open the glossy pages till I reached page 8 where staring back at me was Mum, Will, Ria and I. All smiles and everything and at the top of the page read: Perfect Family of the Year.

Ria finally turned up. “I’m ready,” she said, but Will took one glance at her and stood up.

“You are not going to school with that amount of makeup on your face!” he scolded.

“-but Dad! It’s just a bit of-”

“No! I am taking you to school until you wash it off.”

“But we’re already late!”

“Don’t care. I’m not having my daughter looking like a-”

And the arguing goes on and on and on until Ria takes off her makeup.

Yes. I rolled my eyes, this family is just so perfect.

Answer 1

'Everything changed horribly- for the worst'

You don't need both 'horribly' and 'worst'. Chose one or the other. The 'horribly' at the end already explains how this change is not a good one.



Also, why not change the first sentence a bit. The person who answered below is right- addressing the reader like this and calling it a 'story' automatically detaches us from the reality of it. If your character is remembering this time in her life, a simple 'It all started that morning' would suffice.



That aside, all I will say is that if this is a thriller, you need to add some, uh, THRILL to it. I know this is only the beginning of your story, and you don't want to give too much away, but even in subtle things you should make your writing creepy or suspicious. Even if doing this is a red herring. For instance, describe the mother in a way that might actually make a reader think 'Whoa...she's intimating' or make the girl in the bathroom more of a pain. You talk about her putting on too much make up as a big deal that makes their family fractured and imperfect, but the entire conversation revolving around it sounds very mundane. Add more description here, as in 'I watched as Will curled his hand that was wrapped around his coffee cup into a fist. His knuckles paled-the white of them topped with a sheen of light coming from the open curtains. He stood up, abandoning the cup, with his stance now dominating, much more primal than the simple husband to my mother that he was only a moment ago.

"You are not going to school with that amount of makeup on your face" he scolded, a dark edge creeping into his voice that tugged at his upper lip, resulting in a slight twitch. I watched this happen before me with widened eyes.

"But dad, it's only-it's only a bit-"

"I am not taking you to school unless you wash it off"

"We're already late, you can't do this!" she cried, her mouth opening wide so that I could see the streaks of her foundation tighten around her skin. Her face transformed so much when she put that amount of makeup on, and whilst I agreed that it was particularly unnecessary for school, I was more so concerned over Will's reaction to it.

Will laughed bitterly.

"And you think I care? I won't have a daughter looking like jail bate in my house"

Ria's face contorted into horror, but it composed again and began to blare spiteful curse after spiteful curse. I flinched, and watched Will's face slowly twist into something I had not seen before. I nearly missed the quick movement as he grabbed her arm and pulled her over to the kitchen sink. She cried out and I heard the tap being turned on. Behind my eyelids, I imagined the swirls of the bronze and black colored makeup she was wearing as it vanished down the plughole.

Yes. This family is just so perfect'.



Right there, it just adds a bit of menace to it, it makes the reader fearful, and actually have the sense that something is going to boil over. Your story sounds great, but the opening to a story is crucial, and needs to be executed well enough so that the reader actually feels the tension in this household. I wrote the character of Will there in a particularly shady light, and this might not be the case in your story. This is a red herring. We might coil back at him now, but later on we might just find out that his daughter with makeup on looks too much like his ex wife, and he simply can't stand it. Otherwise, he's a pretty swell guy.



Nevertheless, good luck with your story!!!

Answer 2

Your first line is not consistent with the rest of the story. You say that you should start the story with the morning when everything got worse. Yet your story is more like a narration of an incident that happened one particular morning... something that seems to generally happen.



I like the irony of the perfect family on the outside and messed up when you actually observe from inside. I feel that you'll make a better story if you can elaborate the extend to which this family is actually broken. The mom being on a hurry and the dad arguing with Ria on the make up really doesn't contribute much to the irony... I think if you tackled a problem that had a more serious tone... like mom and Will having an argument about taking the kids to school or something like that it'll make the story better...



Further, if you're going to go ahead with your opening line (which could be phrased better) I think the story then would have to consist of something tragic.. maybe a height of the argument where mom and Will decide to split, or a huge problem between mom and Ria.. etc



Anyways, good attempt! Keep writing... :)

Answer 3

I don't like your first sentence. As a writer it is your job to create a world that sucks your reader in - you need to make it feel real for them. Reminding them that they're reading a fictional story as soon as they start reading is unlikely to do that. Addressing the reader in this manner is unnecessary.



Also, watch your tenses. You write in past tense for the whole piece of writing until the second to last sentence, when you slip in present tense. You must be consistent.