Question:
The beginning of my story, what do you think?
Chickpea
2009-09-22 17:59:16 UTC
When I was seven years old my mother committed suicide in front of me. I had been watching Saturday morning cartoons in the living room when she called out my name.
“Edna. Come here.”
I stood and set my half-eaten Froot Loops on the end table. The bathroom door was slightly cracked and I could see steam curling it's fingers around the edges.
“Yeah?” I said as I pushed the door open.
She lay submerged to the chin in the bathtub. I stared in wonder at her nakedness. I'd never really seen a naked person before and found myself mystified by the differences between us. My body was straight and without definition where hers was curvy and soft. My secret places were as bald as the desert earth where hers harbored jungles of dark hair. The skin of her breasts shone angrily, scalded by the steaming water.
The rim of the tub was covered in broken shards of pink plastic from the shaver she'd mangled. She slowly turned her head and looked at me.
“Edna, tell your father his supper is in the oven.”
She reached into the mess of broken plastic and rummaged until she found a tiny, twisted shard of razor. Her thumbs cried large, lazy drops of blood from the cuts she'd given herself trying to free the small piece of metal. She didn't seem to notice. I couldn't take my eyes off of them as they fell into the water, tiny thunderheads swirling.
“Where will you be, Mommy?” I asked, confused. She smiled at me.
“Wherever it is, dear, I hope they have room-service.” She chuckled lightly and jabbed the twisted razor into her wrist, opening the flesh down to her elbow like a curtain, exposing the strange and mysterious world inside. Before her blood even began pouring darkly forward, she had lain open the other arm.
Seven answers:
Brianna M
2009-09-22 18:06:30 UTC
Wow. Um, super vivid. And scary. What you've got here is really good, actually. The only thing I don't like is the main character's name. And instead of "said" in the fourth paragraph, go with "asked". Hope I helped.
childers
2016-09-18 07:19:25 UTC
People are regularly going to mention "Start with a bang!" - and I'm going to let you know proper now that it's not regularly crucial. If you feel that you'll be able to pull of a bright ample description of this apartment, you can have your readers curious ample as it's. How you describe the apartment is as much as you and your private variety, as many have on the whole already advised you. You would begin at an excessively small element, and paintings your manner up - your would begin describing room by means of room. It all rather is dependent upon the way you wish it to start. Experiment with it. Try writing it a couple of exceptional approaches and notice which manner that you just find it irresistible first-class. If you feel that the outline is just too dull, then might be you would be bigger off describing the characters, a few motion, and even making use of discussion. Happy writing.
christopher w
2009-09-22 18:10:59 UTC
I dont read..i mean i do not read at all!! but this paints a picture i can see..it makes me believe i was there..i think its excellent..i felt emotion..espically the steam wrapping its fingers around the door..that was brilliant..do you have anymore of it i can read?? i want to know how this turns out..
anonymous
2009-09-22 18:08:31 UTC
wooooow!!!! whats the story gonna be about??? i wanna reaad it. promice me you'll tell me when you finish it, send me updated watevah but i manna read this book/story. now yeah its a little on the well, ummmmm wats this book gonna be about, but it makes me interested in it cause i wanna find out what happened. threes also great detail. i really like it. keep working and be sure to tell me when its finished because i definitely want to read itt!!!!!!



and believe me im serious!
Michael
2009-09-22 18:06:06 UTC
Very Good. i hope you don't start the chapter off with" my mother killed herself in front of me" that would be weird. make sure not to hinder the pacing with unnecceccary detail.
Prιncε ß εηcнaητεd ☆
2009-09-22 19:00:04 UTC
Crap, that was awesome! :D



Usually, I get really bored with most books. Ha, but this totally drew me in. Ahhhhh, keep writing dude. Keep writing. XD
i know u!!!
2009-09-22 18:07:39 UTC
WHOA!!!!!! that was awesome!!! you should write more! :)


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