Is my writing any good?

Question

You don't have to read the entire thing if it's too long for you. I'm 14 and enjoy writing quite a bit. Thanks!




The wind blew strongly, sending loose dry leaves flying in the air and falling in elegant spirals on the ground. Ladies walked with their painted dresses and expensive coats, heels clicking on the stone, rushing to get home to their husbands before the storm started, whilst the sky turned a dark grey and the clouds covered it like blankets. Yes, autumn had come in Ohio, and it was the perfect atmosphere for a funeral…

Daniel stood by his father's coffin, staring at it with a blank expression on his face. Everyone around him was crying, so shouldn't he? But he couldn't-he felt numb inside. Not sad or happy, just nothing. Was it because a part of him still believed that his father was alive- unable to except the fact that he had been killed under no circumstances- even at his funeral? Or perhaps his pride, not allowing him to break down in front of all these people? Whatever it was, he couldn't do a thing about it. His hands were wrapped tightly around his sister, who was letting out a river of tears on his coat. He wanted to cry too- to scream at the top of his lungs- but he couldn't.

"… May he rest in peace" the priest finished, closing the bible set in front of him and walking off the podium.

His sister finally looked up at him. Her eyes were puffy and red, lips frowning and cheeks flushed. "I… I think I need to go talk to mother." She said. Tears were still running down her face, but she wasn't sobbing as loud. Daniel hugged her once more before she slowly walked away.

A few moments later, someone put his hand on his shoulder.

"I see you're holding up well" James proclaimed. James had been Daniel dearest friend since they were young children. If anyone could get this pain off Daniel's chest, it was him. "I'm sorry"

A short silence followed, but Daniel broke it:

"He once told me 'It's not important how long you live your life, it's how you live it'. He really lived up to that, I believe."

James nodded "Truly a great man"

"How has your father taken the news, given how close they were?" Daniel asked

"I send a message to him the second I got the news. He's in France now, so it will take more than a while for him to get it." James said, shrugging his shoulders "I expect he will be devastated."

Quickly after everyone at the funeral said their goodbyes, Daniel helped his (still) sobbing sister and mother into the carriage. He was now the head of the household now, which meant that he now needed to protect his mother and sister. Daniel took their hands and let out a melancholy smile. They let out their emotions by crying, but he had found another way to release his anger and sadness- he tracked down every man responsible for this and put an end to his life- but it didn't help much. Knowing that they had paid did help slightly, but it didn't bring his father back. It didn't fill the empty hole inside him and it didn't make him sleep better at night.

The rest of the ride continued in silence.






Thank you!

Answer 1

Wow, this is really good! The only things wrong with it that I could spot were some punctuation mistakes in the dialogue and a typo or two :) here they are, if you want to correct them:

"He was now the head of the household now" two nows.

"I send a message to him the second I got the news." I think in the context of the sentence that should be sent.

They were the only typos I could spot, and other than that there were only some puncutation mistakes in the dialogue, for example here:

James nodded "Truly a great man"

should probably be something like;

James nodded, "Truly a great man."

Punctuating dialogue can be really confusing, and I only recently learned, so I'll put a link to the guide I read which helped me a lot in the source ^^!

Hope I helped, and good luck writing; if this is your skill level at your age, if you keep writing you'll turn out to be quite the amazing writer, not that your writing isn't good now.

Answer 2

It is a decent start, but still a little rough around the edges.



I agree with the person who said to drop the first paragraph. It's not that its bad, but it seems to digress from the main plot a little too much. It also made me wonder if the women were walking across the graveyard or through the street beyond the graveyard.



Be careful of repetition too (putting the same words too close together in the same sentence).



The other things I picked up on was punctuation. When you use dashes, be sure to put a space before and after them, for example:



"Was it because a part of him still believed that his father was alive - unable to except the fact that he had been killed under no circumstances - even at his funeral?"



Also, dialogue. You only put a full stop at the end of dialogue when there is no dialogue tag (he said/she said). All other times it's a comma, exclamation mark or question mark, always followed by a lower case word. It's confusing to explain, but instead of:



"… May he rest in peace" the priest finished,

it should be:

"... May he rest in peace," the priest finished.

and instead of:

"I… I think I need to go talk to mother." She said. Tears were still running down her face

it should be:

"I ... I think I need to go talk to mother," she said.



I hope that helps a little!

Answer 3

The first paragraph should be excised completely. Mix that stuff into your narrative. Starting with the weather is deadly, and doesn't give us information that we NEED. How old is Daniel? How old is his sister? What period of time are we in? It's not until we get to the paragraph starting with "Quickly" that we get any sense that they're in a time period not our own (because of the carriage), or that Daniel isn't a kid (because he tracked down and killed everyone responsible for his father's death.).



You're formatting your dialogue incorrectly, every single time. Also, the word "proclaimed" is what we call a said-bookism. "Said" is perfectly serviceable, and invisible, while a word like "proclaimed" draws unwanted attention to itself. I know your teachers are probably beating into your head that you need to use other words besides "said," but your teachers are not trying to write fiction to actually sell. Do that for assignments, not for this.



Have you ever been to a funeral? "Everyone around him was crying"-- no. No, they weren't. Trust me. Funerals also take place very quickly after someone dies--a few days, usually. How long did it take him to track those people down and kill them? Were they all in one place? How many were there?



First you tell us that his father was killed "under no circumstances," but then you tell us that Daniel hunted down the people responsible and murdered them. Surely there were SOME circumstances, for him to have a reaction like that? It clearly wasn't an accident; you don't murder people over an accident unless you're a psychopath.



You've got an intriguing beginning here--I'm getting the sense of Daniel being grief-stricken and not quite knowing how to handle it, but needing to be strong for the women in his life now, and how killing the people responsible for his father's death didn't really give him the closure he expected. Your mechanics will get better with time, practice, and more reading.



Good luck!



EDIT: Yes, your modifier "under no circumstances" is in the wrong place, thus making that sentence confusing. Just take it out altogether. Also, the word you're looking for in that sentence is "accept."

Answer 4

It's not bad. I'll take your first paragraph and re-write it making it better, in my opinion:



"A determined wind sent brittle leaves flying then falling, performing elegant spirals in their ballet back towards terra firma. Fine-coated women in their painted dresses scurried home in advance of the approaching storm, their heels click-clicking in rapidity on the pavement. The sky turned dark as clouds joined arms to form a foreboding blanket overhead. Autumn had again returned to Ohio. The scene a fitting atmosphere for a funeral…"

Answer 5

Oh, wow. This is brilliant.

The first paragraph could use some work, and "He was now the head of the household now, which meant that he now needed to protect his mother and sister" uses the word 'now' too much, so be careful not to overuse words! Apart from that I see no fault and you have potential to be an excellent author.

Answer 6

I would drop the first paragraph. I know you're trying to set the scene, but, "Ladies walked with their painted dresses and expensive coats, heels clicking on the stone, rushing to get home to their husbands before the storm started" ... is unnecessary detail, which doesn't add anything to the narrative.

Apart from that, your writing is fine.

Answer 7

Pretty good for a 14-year-old! Keep it up!

Answer 8

that was pretty cool



that last part about how he tracked down people



will that be written in the future?

Answer 9

I like it

Answer 10

wow ... is it enough?