Critique my story please?

Question

Holly
I screamed as my skin started to turn to black fur. It pained me to look at Ashlee as tears poured down her hollow cheeks. It was her first change. "Shh... it's okay Ash." The pain surged through my veins as my arms grew black fur thicker.
Ash looked at me pain just reflecting in her bare icy blue eyes. Her scream turned into a howl. When I glanced up Ash, her bronze skin was a golden blond wolf coat. She looked at me and took off running.
My skin turned into black fur and my bone structure was turned to a wolf's bone structure. A leaped up and howled. An echo howl from Ash was retorted back to me. I sniffed and darted into the night towards Ash. I felt energy pull towards her picture thoughts.
A boy, handsome and tall. He had sun-bleached hair and hazel eyes. His skin was darker than Ash's. I followed the picture thought to Ash. She looked at me and changed her picture thought to her, the boy, and millions of golden leavea fluttering to the forest floor. I thought hard and shook my head. I sent her back a confused look. She howled and ran off. I followed as we ran deeper and deeper into the Washington forest, closer and closer to Canada.
She stopped as well as I did as five rabbits darted from bush to bush. We both had tje same thought; food. We chased after them in unison. I caught two by trapping them against a tree. I ripped their guts out then ate them. Ash came back with one dead and bloodied up. She choked it back and her eyes smiled. This was so new and fun to her; too bad this happens every full moon and it hurts like Hell. The change to a wolf and the change back to normal.
The rest of the night we ran up and down and all around the Washington forest.

Answer 1

Overall 3 1/2 out of 5 stars. It's really not bad, but the emotional details & transformation could be elaborated more, to connect the reader to the characters. Remember unlike movies where the actor must express the feeling of the character for the audience to see, in a book the author must let the reader into the hearts & minds of the characters.



"I screamed as my skin started to turn to black fur....The pain surged through my veins as my arms grew black fur thicker." Liken it to something. Be specific & detailed about the pain.



"...and my bone structure was turned to a wolf's bone structure." Describe the transformation. Did you see Underworld? When Michael was in the back of the cop car & started transforming didn't it look painful? & you heard the sounds of the body changing etc.



Your story isn't bad you just need to put a tad more heart into it & don't listen to the other posters. Write what you want to write about & when they said that werewolves have been done alot, ya that's true but the thing is...there's really no such thing as an "original story" anymore, every book - every movie is just a variation of another story done before, so those other posters that criticized you....FAIL!

Answer 2

it's not a story per se, it's a description.

if you want a story there must be some line of events. changing a person into a wolf and ripping somebody guts out is hardly a story, i am sorry.

Answer 3

Yeah, like werewolves haven't been done a million times before. Idea is unoriginal, writing is executed poorly. Maybe try art.

Answer 4

You want me to be your critic? Fine... That was 110% mediocre.... Half a star... Very NOT original. Please, do me a favor? Don't quit your day job.