Question:
What do you think of my plot and unfinished chapter?
hannahlauren24
2009-03-01 10:12:32 UTC
here's the unfinished plot:
Ok there is this girl named Angel. She is a bully. one day this boy named Joseph shows up and Angel realizes something strange about him and whenever she is around him strange things happen. Then one day Angel comes home and finds her mother on the floor sick and dying. She is devastated and there is a knock on the door. She answers it to find Joseph. And he tells her that he can help her mother if she followed him into the woods. He says that there is the most wonderful place with medicine that can cure her mother. Angel goes and realizes it was a trap. The place that Joseph said was wonderful was horrible and she imprisoned and sentenced to death. She is imprisoned because her sister is there, the same sister that went missing years before because she was believed to have great powers. When they found that she was not wat they thought her to be they were going to kill her but the boy who had lured her there loved her and bargained with the evil king to take him instead of her. And so angel is there, she is imprisoned, her mother is dying, and Angel could soon be dead also. But at the end. Joseph gives his life for Angel's freedom. This is what I am going to put in the story for that. And there in the corner, Angel's only friend, the person she loved, dead.
Here is the chapter
Expecting to see a wonderful land full of riches, medicines, and love I took Joseph's shaking hand. The wind picked up around us. My dark, blond hair swirled around my face.
For a second I thought that Joseph was just simply destroying all the things around us. Trees fell down with ear-splitting wails and animals scurried by, their cries echoing around us. I was scared. I tried to break free of Joseph's grip on my hand, but found I couldn't. I stared wide eyed at Joseph, who took no notice of me. Just when I thought a stream of sticky, salty tears would stream down my face, the wind stopped and I noticed with a jolt that Joseph had not destroyed everything. He had taken me to a different place, where everything lay dead on the ground, where darkness triumphed, and the night smelled of Death. It stung my nose and I could almost feel its claws dig deep into my arm, pulling me, taking me where my heart would beat no more and my eyes would not sparkle.
I realized that I actually was being dragged. But the hands that clutched my arms were not the cold, clammy hands of Death but the warm, soft hands of Joseph. For some reason I felt safe with him, for the moment. I then realized that this was a trap. "Let go of me!" I struggled and kicked. But Joseph's grip on me only doubled.
I could faintly make out a tall, old caslte. It's windows were dark and lifeless. Joseph dragged me along a narrow, twisting road. I looked up at the sky where no moon shone and then at my legs that were spilling blood on the road, my shoes were torn, and my head ached but none of that mattered just the castle that loomed ever so closer and Jospeh's now icy, cold hands.
Joseph soon dropped my arm and my head thumped to the ground. My ears rang but I could faintly make out Joseph's angry voice. I looked up to see his wavy black hair as dark at the night, glistening as if some sun was shining. "What do you mean you can't let me in?" There was a pause and then a grunt and Joseph replied, "Do you know who I have here with me?" Another grunt. "I have...." But I didn't hear the rest. Becuause this time I was sure I felt Death's fingers crawling up my arms and the cold chuckle in my ears.
Ok, so this chapter is unfinished and I still have to edit cause I wrote it real late last night. Please tell me if anything is wrong and comment!
Three answers:
2009-03-01 10:33:24 UTC
I haven't read all of this word for word; just skimmed over it, because it's a bit young for me, and the logic/grammar of your plot doesn't really follow ("She is imprisoned because her sister is there" makes no sense, for example). But, on the writing...



It's not bad. What your spelling (what, not wat), and repeating of words ("around us" twice and "around" another time in the first five lines or so). Check your grammar and don't use local phrases or phrases you'd use talking to friends that aren't recognised as good grammar elsewhere ("simply", not "just simply"). Don't describe things that are irrelevant --- the "sticky, salty" aspect of tears isn't really something you'd think about much, while being dragged off and having a forest crash down around you. Don't repeat names ("I tried to break free of Joseph's... I stared wide eyed at Joseph")... just use "stared wide-eyed at him" instead. Note the hyphen in there, too.



Choose every word carefully. Words like "looked" suggest a casual, effortless, everyday action. The character is being dragged, and would have to struggle just to find the thing she wants to look at, never mind to focus and see the thing, so this sounds very unrealistic when I read it.



OK, so that's about it, apart from spell-checking (please spell check!). But I don't want to put you off: it sounds like a lot of flaws when I point them out one after another like this, but really, they're minor things next to having a good idea for a story. If you think you've got that, then keep writing, and just work on your technique. Read more too -- preferably from well-respected writers, and maybe a bit older and more diverse than what you've been reading so far, if you can.



Good attempt. Keep it up :)
hagwood
2016-10-25 09:50:58 UTC
listed right here are some video games with a reliable tale: Uncharted a million-3 Batman: Arkham Asylum and city Portal 2 (for a puzzle recreation, the tale's no longer 1/2 undesirable) Mass outcome a million-3 (you pick the tale at particular factors) 1/2 existence a million-2 very few concepts
2009-03-01 10:20:45 UTC
Great Start! Just add MORE details... :D

Good Luck!


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