First time and I need some honest opinions on my excerpt?

Question

I want your honest opinion on the changes I should make. I feel it's not good enough. It's only an excerpt so don't worry about it if you don't know certain points.


It was the right place. Gregory's inn.
The woman walked in.
She had a slender figure. Her figure was slim, but no one could see what she wore because of her black cloak. It covered her whole body except her face. Her face was pale and her eyes a bright orange. Her face and full lips were twisted in disgust as took in the surroundings of the rickety, wooden inn.
Her eyes scanned the inn for the man she was searching. Her eyes narrowed when she spotted him grinning impishly at her in front of the bar.
She moved gracefully next to him and took the empty stool next to him.
"One cocktail." She told the barman is a surprisingly pleasant voice, though her face was disgusted.
The man turned towards her still smiling impishly. "Hello there, my beautiful lady." His face showed childish pleasure and delight.
Her face turned disapproving. "Your flirting doesn't impress me Flyner." She slightly bared her teeth, revealing fangs.
He didn't change his composture but grinned wider. "I only wanted to rouse your curiosity on a certain artifact I found in one of Lord Charven's gardens."
"I do not want to waste my time on your treasures Flyner. Why in the world have you chosen such a place, for Heaven's sake?" She grimaced.
For the first time, his smile faded. "To keep the demons away, Lavish. Of course. The smell can disguise our scent and the place is inconspiciuous."
She looked away at the table in front of him and took the glass in which the barman gave the drink.
She changed the topic. "So, what is this object you were talking about?" She took a sip.
He looked around carefully around him. He bent down and took a suitcase she never observed that was next to his legs. He opened it and placed it in front of her on the table.
She gasped. There was a goblet decorated with shiny gems. The goblet shined in the dim light of the inn. It glowed a dull gold not visible to humans.
"Is it...is it...the goblet of...the demons?" She whispered.
He nodded. "The goblet was hidden in the mud of Lord Charven's holy land. He didn't know and I didn't tell him." He shuddered. "He'd be after me if I did."
"Where are you-" She was cut off by a loud growl and a cry of pain.
Flyner and Lavish turned their head in an instance and saw what caused the noise. Everyone was watching the commotion.
A boy around the age of sixteen stabbed a man in the stomach. Seeing Lavish and Flyner watching him, he turned in their direction with an evil smile as the man's voice gurgled when the blood flowed out of his mouth.
"A lot of victims today, hunters. Took seven down in a day." The boy spoke in a raspy voice.
Now that they could see his face closely, he looked nothing like a human. His face was blue and his green eyes round as golfballs. His teeth were as sharp as knives and his nails were claws. A slightly hazy fluid was dripping from his teeth. He didn't have ears but slits on his cheeks.
"Demons." Lavish spat.
The boy ran outside the inn, leaving the hunter's body behind him.
Lavish crossed her hands and pulled out her swords from their scabbards on either side of her hips, inside her cloak. Flyner copied her movement and stowed the goblet in his cloak. Both ran after the demon.
They burst out of the inn and saw the demon's back running through the trees, into the forest. They followed him until they approached a clearing where the demon waited for them.
But he was not alone.
Twenty others leaped from the bushes and trees.
They were surrounded.
Flyner and Lavish backed till their backs were touching.
Tension made their environment cold. Both the hunters were dripping with sweat.
Everything went fast after that.
The demon snarled and the army jumped pounced on them.

Answer 1

Suggest you edit this excerpt.

It's a good and interesting section, but action is diluted with unneeded words.



If the lady changes her focus of attention, saying so is unneeded.

Let her simply do so.

Readers know she's "disgusted" and don't need quite so much reminding.



"Gregory's Inn" - 'inn' should be capitalized when part of its name.

Commas need to precede names used in dialog.

They must be before dialog like "..she whispered..." - with 'she' not capitalized.

Also - "Flynn and Lavish turned their head[s] in an instan[t]..." - right?



Suggest you keep this in active voice.

Example from Wiki...

Passive voice: "The cheese was eaten by the mouse."

Active voice: "The mouse ate the cheese."

See the difference?



The excerpt is pretty good.

Edits are all that's needed.

Suggest you cut the 'deadwood' and keep it active.



Keep writing.

You have a good start.

Every writer does many revisions.

When you're ready, you'll edit this.



Good luck.

Answer 2

If this is your first time writing, I think you are pretty good and promising, but let me tell you one thing:



Do you know The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare?

I think your story kind of reminding me of her work. Demon-attacking people, fighting after a goblet, etc, etc. Just too much similarity.

And look at your username? Clare? Just another thing to add on the list.

So, does your story original or?? No offense though, I'm just reminding you :)

Answer 3

Reminds me of Laurie Halse Anderson a little... (Speak, Wintergirls) I can't give you an opinion because you haven't given me enough info :) what type of book is it?