Please read the opening of my story?

Question

Does this sound like something you could imagine reading at the beginning of a good novel? I tend to be very hard on myself, so I don't think it's all that good at the moment.

What do you think? What are some ways to embellish it and make it come alive? Please be honest. I'll accept any creative suggestions. Thank You! :)

Here it is:

It was an early spring’s night over Fallowoode, and a gentle breeze sailed through the great forest. The whispering of leaves sounded all through the hills that rolled endlessly to the north. The air grew ever cooler and smelled of rain.
Perched on a hillside at the very beginning of Fallowoode stood an old brick tower. A small patch of ivy grew at the tower’s base. Its vines climbed the bricks riddled with small cracks and chips, all the way to the top. Here a warm yellow glow shone through a large window. A dark silhouette appeared in the window. The person whom the silhouette belonged rubbed his eyes tiredly. He was a musician, and lived here alone. He opened a small drawer under the window and drew out a pair of circular eye glasses. He slipped them on and peered out through the window, and down into a large town that lay nestled in the valley below. The window was beginning to cover in small droplets of rain, but he could still make out the amber glow emanating from the lamp posts that lined the twisted cobblestone streets of the town.
But the town could not fully see the tower, which hid behind the cover of old oaks and evergreens. It was as if the town had forgotten the tower was ever there at all.

Answer 1

David,



This is really a clever story beginning. You have a few faults here and there though. Read my edits and see if it sounds a bit better without repeating certain words. (i.e. 'window'.)

I think you should follow through on this as maybe a short story or novelette. A great premise here in that we don't know who the guy is besides a musician.





It was an early spring night over Fallowoode, and a gentle breeze sailed through the great forest. The rustling of leaves sounded all through the hills as they rolled endlessly to the north. The air grew ever cooler and smelled of rain.

Perched on a hillside at the very beginning of Fallowoode, stood an old brick tower. A small patch of ivy grew at the tower’s base; its vines climbing the bricks riddled with small cracks and chips all the way to the top. A warm yellow glow shone through a large window where the outline of what looked like a man appeared.

The dark silhouette rubbed his eyes tiredly. He was a musician, and lived here alone. He opened a small drawer under the window and removed a pair of circular eye glasses. Slipping them on, he peered out and down into a large town that lay nestled in the valley below.

Small droplets of rain began to cover the glass, but he could still make out the amber glow emanating from the lamp posts that lined the twisted cobblestone streets of the town. The tower was not fully visible from that distance due to large evergreens and oak trees that cleverly hid its existence from the public eye. Surely the town had forgotten the tower was even there at all by now.



PJ M

Answer 2

Setting the scene is never a good opening.

Nothing is really happening Nothing is being accomplished. It looks like a slice of life, and a dull life at that.

If you have the rest of your story written, then try to write a beginning that hooks your readers with something happening that tells your readers that this will be a page turner. Put something at stake right away.

If this is all you have written, then for it's a pity you can't just write without pausing after only a few paragraphs to ask for feedback.

Answer 3

Not bad. You have a lot of sensory references and you've drawn an interesting picture. You could tighten it up a bit by removing repeated and unessential words, especially adverbs. Also, mention at the beginning that Fallowoode is a village. And avoid the word 'very' whenever possible.



Consider finding an on line writers circle for your genre (google is your friend) to exchange critiques with. You get as much benefit out of reviewing the works of others as you do from the feedback they give your own works.



Zvi the Fiddler

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/c/zvi-zaks

"Science fiction for people who like to think."

Answer 4

If you yourself don't think it's good, chances are it's not. Starting with description, especially of weather is extremely cliche. Always start with character and give it some sort of hook where something unusual happens. Don't be afraid to give the character a name and have things happen to him, then the reader can relate. Good luck.

Answer 5

It sounds fantastic :)